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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I need your advice/opinions/experiences re: teenagers and their bedrooms...

49 replies

Idobelieveinfairies · 19/09/2008 10:45

..and i am sure it's been done a zillion times before, so apologies..

How many teenage mums and dads can actually turn a blind eye at the state of a teenagers very yucky bedroom?

DO you accept it as normal teenage behaviour?
Given up totally?
Having long on-going never winning battles with them?

I am at my wits end and feel like crying this morning.

She is 15, doing really well at school, has a saturday job and has the occasional hockey, netball match after school....but does have more than enough time to keep her room tidy.

All i ask is that she opens her window in the morning, picks up her dirty washing and puts it in the wash basket, put away her hair-dryer, make-up..basically everything off the floor and then puts away clean washing that i leave on her bed.

I will make her bed, dust, and hoover-if i can ever get through the mess that is.

She currently has 2 carrier bags of rubbish hanging on the back of her door....how can she sleep in her room with the rubbish hanging a metre away from her head!?!?!?!? [blurgh]

She desperatley wamts new bedroom furniture but there is no way i am buying her anything until she can prove she can lok after her room. Thats not too harsh is it?

Her brothers are tidier than her and when they have been a bit on the lazy side they will give their room a proper good clean with only me having to ask them once. With her it is arguement after arguement...she dosen't see the point of tidying as it will only get messy again.

It is annoying me that she was sat on her behind in the lounge all yesterday evening knowing that her bedroom needing doing.

Am i being too anal?...lol

Whats growing in your teenagers bedroom at the moment??lol

OP posts:

mumblechum · 19/09/2008 10:49

DS has a blitz about once a month, but it does involve me popping in & out to prod him, as he's easily distracted.

It takes about half an hour & includes stuff like retrieving manky socks from under the bed, tidying bookshelves etc, then I hoover & polish.

He has to pick up all his dirty clothes on Saturday morning and put them in the wash.

At the moment it's a tip & I'll get him to do it tomorrow. He doesn't really moan too much once he gets going.

There's a strict no food rule in his room as previously he's left crisp packets etc & it's attracted mice

AMutinyInSouthsea · 19/09/2008 11:05

I expect DS to put his washing in the basket - else it won't get washed - and to put away clean stuff I put on his bed - else he won't be able to sleep - but apart from that, I just empty the bin when I'm going round and the rest is his problem. It's not unhygenic, but it can be very messy.

From time to time I tell him that I've decided to vacuum, and he can either pick stuff up and put it away properly, or I will pile it all up on the bed and leave it for him to sort from there.

snorris · 19/09/2008 11:07

I do nag ask dd1(13) to do her room but she just groans & huffs so I ignore it. I won't to go in there at all,it is tiny and I can barely open the door anyway. I refuse to do her washing,if I could get in there and it was in a linen bin I would (I'm so evil I won't even wash any clothes left in the bathroom either). I figure that she'll (hopefully) soon learn when she has no clean clothes/smells/can't find anything. Dh is threatening to go in there though and bag up anything on the floor and put it in the shed
It's her hamster I feel sorry for,having to share the room too . (In a cage obviously!)

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/09/2008 11:10

Very strict here - DS1 (16) not allowed to leave his room messy, although he does very well at this! He is nagged by me and his dad every morning/evening and it gets, eventually and not terribly well, put away.

Cleaner is here twice a week so his room gets something of a clean if she can.

Once in a blue moon I go in and do a major sort out, chuck stuff, free up some space for him.

Don't stress about it - it's just your job, if you want it to be tidy. My DH gets incredibly wound up if the house is untidy, so it's something that we all have to live with. Although I moan about it sometimes, I do enjoy living in a tidy house. (It would be a lot less tidy if I was on my own!)

If you're not really that bothered, then leave her alone and accept it - but it sounds like you are bothered by it.

It's important not to get upset about it - you just have to be firm and make it clear that these are the rules and that it will be done.

And I would also - as you don't have a cleaner - make her do the cleaning in her room as well. She is old enough!

daftpunk · 19/09/2008 11:13

i don't allow food in the bedrooms, but apart from that as far as im concerned it's their room...i just keep the door shut.

wordgirl · 19/09/2008 11:14

I turn a blind eye really. The way I see it is he's not out drinking, doing drugs, impregnating young girls, terrorising old people or whatever else he could be doing so I'll quite happily live with a messy bedroom.

mrspnut · 19/09/2008 11:14

My 11 year old is in charge of her own room, but if her clothes don't come down for washing then they don't get done. Anything of hers left around the house gets chucked in her room and if she can't find things then it's her tough luck.

Her monthly allowance is dependent on her doing certain chores though so I can use that as an enticement to get her to clean it.

She actually tidied her room this morning because she has a friend staying tonight and she didn't want them to see what a messy article she is.

seeker · 19/09/2008 11:15

It's her room. Shut the door. But put a laundry basket in the bathroom or somewhere outside her room and tell her that only stuff in the basket gets washed. And definitely no new bedroom furniture. Don't get into a debate about it - just never mention it again.

Lauriefairycake · 19/09/2008 11:19

I do think you are being too anal (sorry). She sounds like a great kid, responsible, dedicated to her work, able to be part of a team. Surely teenagehood is about learning what mess you can put up with around yourself ?

The rubbish is in a bag - not strewn on the floor. You sound like a very tidy person, she is not as tidy as you. Are you as good at netball/hockey as her ?

Lauriefairycake · 19/09/2008 11:22

sorry, I've just reread the first bit of your post - you feel like crying because you are constantly battling with her?

Stop battling with her, it sounds like she is doing pretty bloody well in life. Instead move the focus onto you and what you want - maybe do something with her to improve your relationship - go to the cinema, make some crafty type thing together?

gagarin · 19/09/2008 11:29

Leave her be? She is developing her own style and way of living.

But

Only wash clothes that make it into the washing basket. Just make sure you tell her when the washing is going on.

Do not hoover or dust her bedroom - she can do that if she wants it done.

and finally - if you want her bedroom clean to your standards and she doesn't it is really your call on when you can't bear it any longer - and whether you blitz it yourself for your own reasons not hers!

And no new bedroom furniture is necessary if you can't see it because of the clutter.

Beware of her deciding to start using other areas of the house to entertain her friends in though - just banish them to her bedroom!

PonderingThoughts · 19/09/2008 11:46

I agree completely with Seeker and Gagarin.

You have to accept that she is a teenager and this is what they do
BUT
Make life easier on yourself!

Show/tell her you are compromising by setting these very simple couple of rules:

Get her a wash basket (what's not in basket doesn't get washed - end of!)

Do NOT go into her room for any reason other than to collect wash basket and drop off pile of washed clothes onto her bed.

Tell her to keep her door closed at all times if she doesn't want you to nag about it - so that you can't see it (out of sight/out of mind)

Then, drop the subject. Don't mention it again. She will grow up (I did!) She will appreciate the space, she will respect you for the lack of nagging her about it and eventually she will disgust herself (Or her friends) to the point that she makes herself sort it out (I did!)!

The first 6 weeks or so will be hell for you, but stick to it. Take a deep breath before entering, don't look around and leave as quickly as you can. Then breath deeply and clamly, let it go...and carry on about your business.
After about 6 weeks she will realise that this space of hers IS HER responsibility and will slowly start to improve her own living conditions, I'm sure!

juuule · 19/09/2008 11:49

How many teenage mums and dads can actually turn a blind eye at the state of a teenagers very yucky bedroom?

I do. Mostly. Might pass comment but usually keep out of the way and shut the door.

DO you accept it as normal teenage behaviour?

Not sure about it being normal teenage behaviour. I think people just have different tolerances for dirt. I have a now 21yo who very rarely (ever?) had an untidy room as a child or teen.

Given up totally?
Totally? No. Just very hands-off.

Having long on-going never winning battles with them?
I don't do battles over untidy bedrooms. Too much grief for everyone including me.

She is 15, doing really well at school, has a saturday job and has the occasional hockey, netball match after school....but does have more than enough time to keep her room tidy.

Not lazy then. That's in her favour.

"All I ask..." that's quite a list.
Especially for someone who can't see what all the fuss is about and probably likes her own mess.

I will make her bed, dust, and hoover-if i can ever get through the mess that is.

Don't it's her room.

She currently has 2 carrier bags of rubbish hanging on the back of her door....how can she sleep in her room with the rubbish hanging a metre away from her head!?!?!?!? [blurgh]

[blurgh] for you, maybe. Obviously doesn't bother her. Only problem I'd have with that would be from a health and hygiene point of view and would insist it was put out or I would take it out. There are limits

She desperatley wamts new bedroom furniture but there is no way i am buying her anything until she can prove she can lok after her room. Thats not too harsh is it?

That's for you both to negotiate together and find a compromise.

Am i being too anal?...lol
Probably

Whats growing in your teenagers bedroom at the moment??lol
I'm not sure Must go and look......or maybe not.

Original poster

Idobelieveinfairies · 19/09/2008 14:16

pmsl..you lot are bloody great you know-cheered me up loads!

what am i going to do???

I still don't know..i am a tidy person...but obviously have days where i can't be bothered I would love to not ever think of her bedroom..ever...ever again..but it is there above my head right now!!!!...

I also have 7 other children and the thing is how can i encourage them to be clean and tidy when their big sister isn't.......?

But there is make-up stains all over the carpet......and she has to open the window as they are not double glassed and lots of water appear on them and everything will go mouldy....but that is her problem right???!! yes it is ....

right i will change tactics then.......

i (fairies) no longer care about that one bedroom upstairs and won;t give it a single thought and will deliver clean washing to outside the door....out of sight,out of mind and all that.

I will be strong, i will, i will, i will.

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/09/2008 15:30

juuule · 19/09/2008 16:19

"how can i encourage them to be clean and tidy when their big sister isn't.......?
"

You can only encourage, some of them will probably be tidy and some will be untidy. I'm sure you have 'encouraged' your dd to be tidy and she hasn't got older siblings to set a bad example
The real fun starts when a tidy one/or more shares with an untidy one/or more.

Be strong (not always possible)

random · 19/09/2008 20:09

I shut the door on it..but then I'm not the most tidy person in the world either

gagarin · 19/09/2008 20:31

8 children?!

I cannot believe you ever have time to hoover anyone's bedroom but your own . Are you superwoman?

And no need to remind her when the washing is going on - it must be EVERY day.

mumeeee · 19/09/2008 21:59

I have 3 girls aged 21,18 and 16. The 21 and 18 year old are sharing a room at the moment so have to keep it fairly tidy. I remind the 16 year old to tidy her room but other than that I leave it to her. I don't even go in her room to hoover or make her bed she does that

KristinaM · 19/09/2008 22:04

i agree with everyone else

tell the younger kids they can be messy too when they are 15. life's not fair - they might as well learn now

and BTW stop making the bed and hoovering for all the others over ....oh...about 9 or 10 i think. make them do it themsleves

KristinaM · 19/09/2008 22:05

gagarin - i think you will find that anyone with 8 kids DOES wash every day

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 19/09/2008 22:09

I have 3 teens (oh no sorry ds1 is 20 now). The boys share, dd has her own room. I go in to put clean clothes on the bed, I open the windows in a morning - other than that I don't bother.

The laundry basket is on the landing - clothes that don;t make the basket don't get washed. Tis tough. They are old enough and ugly enough to put their dirty washing in the basket or face the consequences. I leave the hoover in the room when I've done the stairs. It gets brought back down - they may or may not hoover

I strip the beds once a fortnight and give them clean linen - it does seem to make it on to the beds.

Leave her to it.

brimfull · 19/09/2008 22:09

I think you should leave her room to her,don't hoover dust or clesn it.

My dd's room is always in a state-looks as if a gang of burglars have ransacked it and decided to leave everything-I am not exagerrating .

She does clean it if a friend is coming over to sleep though..so she has some pride.

She is a great kid otherwise and I have no other problems with her so I just shut the door.

PurpleOne · 20/09/2008 00:26

I'm another one who leaves the door closed. Purely to stop the kitten getting in there and assaulting her guinea pigs.

BUT

Having 2 guineas in there, plus the washing that doesn't make it into the basket is left on the floor. I went in there tonight to gather up the months weeks worth of cups and bowls, and it fecking stinks in there.

Guinea piss, dirty knickers and 2 week old uniform.

I clean for a living and then get home and do my own housework, plus studying for 2 OU courses. DD2 (10) hoovers her own room, puts her ironing on hangers and dusts her room once a week and throws dirty washing down the stairs at least.
DD1 is 13 1/2. Told her she needs to take responsibility. It's still a shithole. I'll live with it as long as I only go in there once a week.

singledadofthree · 20/09/2008 00:31

only read first bit but have 2 of my own.

leave em to it - just tell em now and then 'All washing out now!!', 'Cups, plates etc out now!!', 'Bin day tomorrow, all rubbish out now!!'

otherwise let em get on with it

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