tell me it's okay....to feellike this......

[girlsnextdoor]

I have just had a horrid discussion with my DS who wants to come back home after finishing uni in 3 weeks ( masters degree)- probably for 9 months til he gets a proper job- but he will get a temp job meanwhile. He has nowhere else to live and no job lined up yet.

he and I had a very stormy relationship- he is strong willed and so am I and we clash on all sorts of things- when he was younger we had professional help to deal with his outbursts.

I love him to bits, but the thought of having him at home again does not thrill me- having got used to living as a couple again (DD at uni now too).

I'm afraid I made my feelings too clear to him on the phone just now- and I think he must feel hurt even if he isn't showing it. I just said that we had n't discussed his coming back and that if he did, he would have to be different to how he was before etc et or he would have to go.....

I think that one issue all along has been that he has doubted I love him, and his behaviour at times was bad out of feeling insecure- now I feel I have just confirmed that to him.

I just feel really sad that I feel this way- i missed him so much when he went to uni, but at the same time, it was great not to have constant rows and shouting.

I also have a chronic health problem which has been so much better since he was away at uni and I dread it coming back if he is home and rowing again.

On top of this, my DH and I aren't going through a great time and I have even been thinking of leaving him.

I just feel really stressed out abou tit, yet I cannot say to my son that he has to find a bedsit or whatever- it would seem so uncaring.

anyone else identify with this?

what does your dh think about him coming home? Has your ds thought about having a temp day job AND an evening bar job to save the money to pay of his uni debts and save enough to be independant?

of course it's okay to feel like this!

they're our kids and we love them, but it isn't written down anywhere that we have to actually like them, or want to have them with us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Would it be easier to think of having a lodger come to stay for a few months rather than having your son back home?

I also think he should think about getting a job (or two or three...) you shouldn't be supporting him now he is an adult anyway, and it will get him out of the house more.

He is going to get a job- no worries there- he wants to get a job to pay us back- we funded his masters on a loan we got.

Graduate intakes start next summer so meanwhile he will get a job of some sort- I always thought he would get that temp job in the same city as his uni- not come back home! it has just come as a shock really- he was so keen to get away and i can't believe he even wants to come back!

I just feel i have hurt him- should i say sorry?

Maybe you could ring him and say you are putting this weeks local gazzette in the post and will be circling the job section!!! Which is a double edged way of saying he can staym but he has to find a job.

gnd - i think yabu

he is broke, homeless and insecure and your are basically saying that you dont really want him, only if he changes

maybe next time you talk to him you should say that it would only work if you BOTH make changes to your behaviour iyswim

he is making an effort to find a job, that shows he has matured

Tanks- I have emailed him since posting this- saying we love you lots, but I cannot cope with the way it used to be before, and if you come back, it has to be on a different footing.

(We had terrible scenes, he would swear at me, he was once violent, he used to climb out of windows to "escape"...when he was not allowed out........)

Ilove him dearly, but I cannot go back to that.

How horrible for you. Maybe he has grown up a bit now though? He managed to get through uni OK.

goodness, i have been through something similar recently, my son (18) went working away for a few months and it was great - the twins got on with each other and there were no sibling rows whilst be was away.

of course this is his home and he will always be welcome here - however he is now an adult and must live like one.

he has to find another job, anything. unemployment was not an option. so he now has two part time jobs - this was a condition of him comng home.

the other condition was that he got a bedsit as soon as he had the finances - so yes - he can stay here , but in the new year he is out - and he knows this.

if the bedsit thing fails, again, of course he is allowed back here until we sort something out.

i think that there is a middle ground - you can say "of course you can come home, we love you so very much, however this is a short term option until you get a job and save up for a deposit for a bedsit.

i really don't think that is unreasonable.

am sorry that you have all the other probems to boot, and i just think that your son needs telling that you love him very much - and just becuse you ask him to get a bedist - doesn't negate this love.