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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenagers leaving home.......how do/did you feel?

22 replies

Marshy · 09/09/2008 15:07

OK, I know I probably just need to get a grip, but over the last week or so, since they went back to school I guess, I've come to the realisation that my lovely DD (age 13, yr 9) will be leaving home in just 5 years (assuming she stays on at school and goes off to further ed of some kind etc etc)

Now I know that's ages away, but it's actually less than half the age she is now and this 13 years have flown by!

I keep telling myself that my job as a parent is about helping her to be confident and independent so she can find her way in the world, and I think I'm doing a reasonable job of that, but a selfish little bit of me really wants to put time on hold so she never goes.

Not sure what I'm asking here - just wondering how others view this transition, or have handled it.

OP posts:

Lilymaid · 09/09/2008 15:20

"my job as a parent is about helping her to be confident and independent so she can find her way in the world"
That's exactly how we felt when DS1 went off to university - and having been through universities ourselves, we knew that he would have a great time in a safe environment where he would become more independent.
I think that when your DD gets to that age, you will appreciate that she needs to start moving on to the next stage of her life. You will miss her, of course, but she will in touch frequently and be back for vacations!

Tortington · 09/09/2008 15:25

if your damn lucky it will only be 5 years

my ds is 18 - i sent hoim away to butlins - he came back

now his girlfriend has moved in - long story - and i keep telling them to get a bedsit.

the only thing that used to sadden me when the kids were younger - was i thought that they would all move away and i would be here on mi lonesome with sourface (dh)

however i realise that actually they will probably never go away completely and as soon as ds setles down a bit gets his life together - the twins will be in the ral world - next thing you know i have grandchildren and seeing as i am the only really decent choice for granny ( in the current climate) then s'all good

i also have the great fortune of having a dd - and i know she will want her mummy when she has children

besides. i have started drum lessons, intend to get my pilots license and change career.

my life is mine you see - to do with what i can

Original poster

Marshy · 09/09/2008 15:27

Thanks Lilymaid. I hope so. At the moment I can't think about it without getting a lump in my throat.

OP posts:

RustyBear · 09/09/2008 15:33

DS has been at university 2 years, DD starts her first year at the end of the month - can't wait!

I will miss her, like I missed DS, but it's actually only for 10 weeks at a time & in the summer they are here for 3 months.

And DH & I will have exclusive use of the bathroom, the fridge, the family room, will both be able to drink in the evening without worrying that DD will ring & say he boyfriend's car has broken down & can she get a lift, can go away with no worries about teenage parties in our absence etc, etc....

AMumInScotland · 09/09/2008 15:35

I suspect you'll find in another couple of years that she is becoming more independent, and you're getting used to it, and you can imagine it more easily. My DS is nearly 15 - a year or two ago the idea that he'd leave home would have been quite weird to contemplate, but now we're thinking towards college etc and it seems normal.

Original poster

Marshy · 09/09/2008 15:42

Custardo - you've made me laugh, epecially the 'sourface' comment - have some empathy with you there!

Will start thinking of all the things I can do when they're no longer here full-time (have ds also, just started high school, so another transition we've been dealing with). Do quite lot already but it's such a squeeze, what with work as well.

Trouble is, I'm really enjoying now and don't want it to end!

OP posts:

noddyholder · 09/09/2008 15:46

Oh god I wish I was like custy!I will do anything to stop ds going I am a nutter

Original poster

Marshy · 09/09/2008 15:48

Thanks for helpful comments guys. Will look in again later. Have been on the computer for hours and as they'll be in from school soon, I'd better get off it and go and enjoy them whilst I can!

OP posts:

mumeeee · 09/09/2008 16:20

I felt a bit sad when DD1 went to uni but I soon got used to it. She is now 21 and finished in June. She is back home for a few months until she gets married. so we are a bit crowded with 3 girls age 16.18 and 21.
She has grown up a lot during her years a uni.

WendyWeber · 09/09/2008 16:25

Two of mine (aged 23 & 20) have just moved back in, dammit (there goes my spare room!)

Fortunately it's only temporary - one until December, one until next summer - phew

motheroftwoboys · 09/09/2008 17:25

You get used to it gradually. They become SO independent. DS1 is 17 and just started Upper 6 but the past two summers I have hardly seen him as he has been away so much so it seems a natural progression. He is talking about a gap year (not a good idea in his case I don't think) so maybe we won't get rid of him till a year after! DS2 is just doing his GCSEs and wants to join the police force so not sure he will be off anywhere. I look forward to the house being/staying tiday and being able to keep food in the fridge for more than a day at a time.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/09/2008 17:33

You mean they move out?

DS1 (21) still lives at home, went to local college, now going to local Uni so no need to move out. His girlfriend stays here about 30% of the time.

DS2 (18) goes to local college. His girlfriend is here about 20% of the time. And his pal is about to move in two days/nights a week as he's starting at the local college, his own home is many miles from public transport and he doesn't drive.

sighs

larry5 · 09/09/2008 23:12

Ds 1 went off to uni and I really missed him although at that stage I had a 3 month old baby. After uni he came back but when he had been working as a teacher for two years we encouraged him to get on to the housing ladder (it was 10 years ago) so he left home finally at 24.

Ds 2 has always been more challenging and as he works as a freelance sound and lighting engineer his hours of work meant he would get up at about 12 and get home at 4 am so life with a small child as well was difficult. When he was 19 he moved out to live with a friend who was also in the entertainment business and never lived at home again.

Dd is now 16 and will (all things going well) go to uni at 18 and I will really miss her as we get on so well. I am sure that she will have to live at home for a while after she qualifies as a teacher (her ambition) but we will encourage her to leave home as soon as she can financially.

Original poster

Marshy · 10/09/2008 11:52

Blimey it's hard being a parent isn't it?! The antenatal classes all those years ago didn't really mention the ongoing emotional rollercoaster stretching into the future!

The thought of all this coming and going whilst they make their way gradually into adulthood leaves me feeling a bit exhausted - not very good at goodbyes - but i guess the positive is that it's a gradual process so there's time to get used to the idea.

Have found your comments and stories interesting and helpful - thanks guys.

OP posts:

deste · 10/09/2008 16:25

I agree with Rustybear It's great, you stop listening for them coming in. The house is quiet. They are always back or on the phone anyway. They miss you lots and appreciate home when they do come back.

Remotew · 10/09/2008 16:34

Although I love my DD very much I'd be happy for her to go to uni at 18. Its what she wants to do and I'm looking forward to her gaining independence and me getting my life back.

As others have said term time will fly by and they will popping back often.

noddyholder · 10/09/2008 16:40

We are moving in a few weeks to a lovely house and I am going to make it so gorge that he can never leave and will gradually introduce room for girlfriends and grandchildren so I never have to go through this Do you think i need help ?

redsky · 10/09/2008 16:41

Ds has just gone to Moscow for 5 months! It'll be our first christmas without him. I feel really sad about it - and then I remember I was the same age (21) when I emigrated and didn't consider my parents feelings at all!!!!

WendyWeber · 10/09/2008 19:03

redsky, we had Christmas without DS1 last year - he was 19 then & doing a winter season with Esprit in Chamonix. We had a pretend Christmas dinner (grin] in November just before he went - actual Christmas was our first without one of the children but DD1's boyfriend came so we hardly noticed his absence (kidding! but it was fine)

He will be there again this Christmas. He has the best time over there & hardly misses us at all these days (he did a summer season too; he mostly only rings when he wants something!)

mazmum · 19/09/2008 11:54

My daughter is 18 and the last 6 months have been horrendous...with her deciding that as an adult she has the right to make her own decisions. We have spent the past 6 months arguing bitterly....
Which means she has virtually just left home with no discussion and no warning and (officially) I have no idea where she is.

Our relationship is just like the one shown in the tv documentary, The Family between Emily and her mum. Except my daughter has refused to argue any more and just stays out!

I never expected it to be like this...I always hoped we would be close and able to talk....but now she refuses to tell me anything! She does have a job and a college place and is losing some of the emotional depression she had in her early teens- so in some ways she is growing up in a mature way....but I just hope it all turns out ok and she has enough money etc!

My advice would be be grateful for what you have, and dont expect them to be who you want to be, remember they will at some point want to be who they want to be!

frustratedaunt · 19/09/2008 12:04

Gosh, I remember when I felt that way - thought I'd just die whenever they left. My DS when away to uni - mostly - but at 23 is still with us, and no sign of him moving out. Most times I love having him there, sometimes it would be nice just me, DH and dog

My DD moved out a couple of years ago, and whilst sad - and btw, when she was 18 for about 18mths it too was horrendous like mazmum but it does pass - it was ok and she still kept in touch. She's nearly 25 now, and got married a few months ago - that was harder. Keep worrying now if anything goes wrong in marriage how she'll be (not that there's any indication of that - just a worrier I think).

All has it's plus and minus points but yet it's how it's meant to be.

unavailable · 19/09/2008 16:19

My ds is going to university in just over a week. He cant wait and tbh neither can I. He has spent most of the summer (when not away on one of his three holidays)sleeping til noon, emptying the fridge,not lifitng a finger around the house unless specifically requested to do a job and complaining about being bored. I know I will have a lump in my throat when I drop him off at the halls of residence, but it really feels like time.

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