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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

teenager daughter has been dumped. What do i say

21 replies

kaydeed · 19/08/2008 10:47

My DD who is 16 has been with her first boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. Yesterday he decided to dump her via face book (I know a coward) She is devastated and cant stop crying. I'm stuck as to what to say to her. I told her you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince, i've tried telling her they probably will get back together, i've told her it will give her more time to spend with her firends and to go out and enjoy herself. I'm not too sure what route i should be going down. Any advice from someone who has been there, done it and got the t shirt would be most appreciated.

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/08/2008 10:49

Don't think there's anything you can say other than make sure she doesn't get it into her head that it's her fault in any way.

Sadly this is an important life lesson that has to be learnt!

Just be there for her.

Why not have a girlie day out together and take her mind off it a bit?

fluffyanimal · 19/08/2008 10:50

Don't slag him off, or say she'll get over it and there are plenty more fish etc. Make sure she knows that you understand what a big deal this is to her, and let her know how beautiful and special she is and one day the right guy will appreciate that.

I always remember my mum trying to make light of my teenage heartbreaks and all it made me feel was that she didn't understand.

Dropdeadfred · 19/08/2008 10:51

I think you have said the right things...tell her that she has every right to feel devasated and that the way he told her was cowardly and immature.
tell her that although her feelins are genuine the chances of him being her one and only love ae extremely minimal...tell her you know of noone who is still with the person they loved aged 14..(even if you do!!!)...but don't tell her she too young to know how she fels or anything similar..

Give her a hug and treat her to her favourite dinner..maybe a trip out somewhere nice, with you or with a friend?

solidgoldbrass · 19/08/2008 10:51

Awww, poor DD. Just comfort her and sympathise, try not to tell her that he will be back (you can't know that and he probably won't) or that it's better this way (you may well be right but she doesn't need to hear it). THis sort of thing hurts everyone but the pain will heal in time.

SilkCutMama · 19/08/2008 10:52

fluffyanimal speaks wise words

sallystrawberry · 19/08/2008 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

kaydeed · 19/08/2008 11:08

Thanks everyone for the advice. What i will do is book a spa day for the weekend as treat for completing her GCSE's. Also hopefully this will take her mind off of not seeing him this weekend (Something she has done for the last year and half)It will also give me and her a bit of time on our own away from hubby and DS so we can just talk. Parenting is definately the hardest job in the world.

OP posts:

sallystrawberry · 19/08/2008 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thereluctantmilitant · 19/08/2008 12:10

Well I really don't cope well with relationship breakdown - never have. God I remember first relationships breaking down vividly even now.

I think, to be honest, when you know you are facing picking yourself up and starting over with someone new in the future you don't like to think about it, so although we all say things like 'plenty more fish' and 'kiss lots of frogs..' etc. the dumpee needs to mourn now iyswim. You just don't want to imagine being with anyone else.

I think it's a bit like if a beloved pet dies or something and you want to think about how it was and the memories and the what if's, not about what pet you're going to get to replace it. In a relationship you don't want to immediately think about next week or next year. I truly do believe this thinking, although it hurts, is very cathartic and very necessary.

So, as parent I'd encourage her to be in touch with her pain and her regrets and the hopes she had but to recognise that she will feel able to move on from that stage in the not too distant future and be happy. It's fine to short term wallow. Good even, just don't let it cloud your whole life and halt your future.

thereluctantmilitant · 19/08/2008 12:14

And agree that distraction and fun with mates is good as is self soothing stuff like getting hair done and feeling lovely in oneself. But it's also okay to want to be alone and sad and grumpy and have bed hair.

When I distrcat myself from the pain by being with friends, it's a double edged sword because it DOES distract you but it also makes you painfully aware that you are not, any longer, with him.

I went to a party last week and had great fun, but the being at a party and not out with my exdp also hurt like hell.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 19/08/2008 12:22

when i finished with my first boyfriend my mum gave me money to buy a shirt i had wanted for ages and more to go to metro center with my friends. funnily enough i forgot all about him twas quite serious aswell.

2shoes · 19/08/2008 17:20

when I did a thread about ds being dumped (on bebo what happened to talking?) I was told "hugs" so I gave him lots. he then chatted to his mates, who got him through it.
can she arrange a girlie night?

giraffescantdancethetango · 19/08/2008 17:24

hugs and tlc

LollipopViolet · 19/08/2008 18:22

As someone who's been through a breakup not too long ago, I've got this advice:

Be there, just in case your DD says, "Mum, can I talk to you about..." and then listen to what she has to say.

Pamper days are fab for forgetting the stresses of daily life.

Tears heal. Some people just need to cry their eyes out, then they're fine. Don't worry if she cries a lot.

For me, it wasn't being dumped that hurt, it was being lied to. My xbf dumped me by voicemail (although that's because I was so angry with him I wouldn't answer the phone) In my case, I wanted to be out of the relationship too, and knowing that if I wanted to talk, my parents would listen really helped. I didn't cry, but I did feel very hurt for about a week, then I realised, the pain wasn't there. Just tell her that although it really hurts now, it won't last forever.

It will get better and she isn't to blame.

Sorry for rambling.

nappyaddict · 20/08/2008 23:48

tell her to get her friends round, take her out anything to take her mind off it.

Romy7 · 20/08/2008 23:59

'would you like a hot chocolate and a marshmallow?'

expatinscotland · 21/08/2008 00:01

what fluffy said.

of course, i couldn't tell my mother i'd slept with the bloke who dumped me.

in her living room and on her bed.

aGalChangedHerName · 21/08/2008 00:06

Lol Expat

Loads of cuddles for dd and tell her how fab she is.

I am dreading this with ds1 who is nearly 17. Just don't belittle her feelings and you'll be doing a good job.

msdemeanor · 21/08/2008 00:07

Hug her. Tell her she is absolutely beautiful and that this isn't because she isn't worthy or loveable or wonderful, but because of timing or something going on in his life/head that we don't know about or understand. Tell her though that it is shitty to be dumped via Facebook (shocking, shocking behaviour even from teenagers) and she deserves much better than that, and that one day soon he'll so be so sad and ashamed that he did that. Then do some stuff to cheer her up - spot of shopping?

Tortington · 21/08/2008 00:11

you sound like a fab mummy.

all i can suggest is hot chocolate - the settee, a quilt and tissues

goodasgold · 21/08/2008 01:20

When I was around that age my dear Grandad acknowledged that the emotions we feel as teenagers are some of the strongest we will ever feel.

Help her to get over it by looking forward to her next step, maybe getting some new clothes for sixth form, getting a new hobby for the Saturdays that she used to spend with him.

Best wishes

Flip