How do I handle this one?

[jane9450]

DD16 in trouble for lying again ,is refusing to come on holiday(To Florida!)has unpacked her suitcase,we leave on Friday.
She cannot be left here,her older brothers would not cope with her plus the money we would waste!
Part of me is going to drag her kicking and screaming and the other part wants her nowhere near me.She has spoilt everything for everyone else,DD 9 is getting distressed at all that is going on around her.We have been so looking forward to this dream holiday and it is all spoilt now.

She has been grounded(again) but this does not seem to bother her,I cant stop pocket money as she only gets £10 per month,she has no job.

This time the lies are school related,got her BF to phone in sick for her so she could go shopping with her friends and not go in and resit a final module exam,I took her in myself today and she failed it again,next attempt tomorrow.I was not aware that she had a test as she told me she had passed all 8 modules,school phoned yesterday to let me know this.She is finished at school and due to start college in Sept.

She does not care one bit about hurting me by all her lies(there are plenty more)we had a good talk the last time there was a problem and everything was forgiven (not Forgotten).
Help.

i think she won't say no, as long as you don't use the going on holiday as a PUNISHMENT iyswim. i.e. you must come on holiday.

I would just pretend to be much more confident than you feel, and tell her calmly, she needs to be ready at such and such a time, how much dd9 is looking forward to it, etc.

I honestly think you must leave the issues you have for later.

Hope it works out. Keep us posted.

Thankyou,I'll keep you posted.
goodnight.

If there is a family friend she can stay with, suggest it. Tell her that you respect her wish not to come on holiday, although it will spoil it for all of you as you were really looking forward to this time with your family, her included. Now, which aunty would she prefer to go and stay with? Tell her she can think about it till later.

(Dont let her call your bluff.)

THEN discuss the lying separately. Before you know it, she is likely to chose the holiday in Florida rather than Great Auntie Minnie in Skegness.

I think Mumonthenet is spot on. Leave all the other issues for later, make sure the holiday is not seen as a punishment. And do try to remember that deep down below you two are two people who care about each other.

It is awful that this difficult time has hit just when you were looking forward to this wonderful holiday, but then again it may be a blessing in disguise. You need a chance to reconnect, she needs to get away from the scene of her failures.

mumonthenet sounds spot on.

it seems as though you have a very heightened tone throughout your posts - naturally!

this needs a sit down talk. where youdont scream even if she does.

where you dont view thngs in terms of "she has won" becuase you all lose.

it neds to start positive. " you have passed 7 o your modules, and i am sorry if i haven't let you kow how very very very proud of you i am. i think i need to say that now before we get into anything else. you know that the lying to school isn't on and i trust that you won't do it again. I don't want this thing to overcloud everything becuase i love you so much. so lets just stick with the lying to school as an issue - what punishment would you chose - if you were me?"

let her mull it over - have a laugh about it a little
"i will be v. sorry if you don't come on holiday becuase i love you and believe it or not want to spend some time with you. but if you don't want to come i will arrange with great aunty fanny( the relative that's the most horrid) to have you for 3 weeks.

it'll be a shame, but your sister will get the benefit of our undivided atention i suppose. But sweetheart i will miss you"

sibling rivalry - play with it

Good points, Custy

Love the great aunt fanny suggestion!

I think the best you can do is try and take things one by one - get your dd to her exam, then sort out you and you dd2 going on holiday. Don't have huge agonising discussions over who is going and who is not - get ready assuming your dh and dd1 will go. Least said soonest mended sort of thing.

Mumonthenet has offered lots of good advice.

well, jane?

Is it today you go?

Have you gone?

Hope it all works out and you have a fab time.