Was taking my 18-year-old daughter’s phone after abusive outbursts unreasonable?

[Islandbopping]

My DD18 has been struggling recently. We are doing lots to help her, therapy, changing schools (to fee paying if relevant) and lots of time, love and kindness.

She is neurodiverse and that adds to the challenges and for that reason she is given quite a bit of leeway and we try and ignore moods etc where possible.

The last few days have been horrendous, and resulted in huge emotional outbursts and then name calling - pr*ks, c*ts etc - spurred on by me insisting she puts away some washing. I know there is an upset teen in there but this behaviour is too much , the house is a war zone.

I’ve taken the phone as it’s the only real leverage that I have. If young adult DC act out what do others do. Was I unreasonable to do this ?

I think this too.
take any ND out of it, this is how the world works. It's only recently that ND has become such a big thing, before that the ND people just had to get on with it and learn to try and fit in regardless of the personal cost.
I am older and on waiting list for AuDHD assessment so have decades of lived experience - to put my observation into perspective.

it's not fair of her to treat you like shit and name call, quite possibly because of the stress of masking ...

But any member of the household can do that and you can be sure if someone was calling me a bitch I wouldn’t be doing it until such time as an apology was received.

You can stop paying the bill.but taking the phone from her is wrong.
She may not be behaving like an adult but she is one. So you have to treat her differently from the way you would a child.
What would you do if your husband swore at you or refused to do housework?
If she won't put the washing away or sort her bedroom leave her to it. She will be the one to suffer if she can't find anything or has no clean clothes.
I don't think punishment wil change her behaviour for the better which seems to be caused by her being unable to regulate herself.

I've not read all the responses but the way I deal with my AuADHD DD is more natural consequences rather than punishments. No way would I do my DD's washing if she called me names. She's an adult and perfectly capable of doing her own laundry. I printed out instructions on how to use the washer, stuck them on the front and informed her that, from now on, she does her own laundry. It works so much better. Initially, I'd find washed laundry in the machine that she'd washed but not done anything with and I simply took it out and left it in the laundry basket while I did my laundry (I also reminded her via text that she had wet laundry). After a while of suffering the consequences of finding the top she wanted to wear damp and musky smelling, she got better at it. Keeping calm and factual works for us. When she complains of her stuff not being clean or still being wet, I just say "how annoying, maybe set an alarm on your phone to check the washing machine next time so you don't forget to hang your clothes up". I don't engage in the drama. DD is now 22 and does all her laundry, cooking, etc. Her cleaning standards are lower than mine but I can live with that as long as she at least attempts to clean up after herself.

There is absolutely no way my children, including the one with severe autism, would get away with using that language to me without consequences. I’ve had four go through teens years and come out the other side…now adults, they say I’m “firm but fair” and that’s exactly what I am. I would have definitely taken the phone! She can earn it back, maybe.

At that age she should be doing her own washing.

If her room is like a bombsite and she has nothing clean to wear, that's her lookout.
If her clothes are dirty and she smells then peer-pressure will soon get her in line.

Why is being neurodiverse an excuse for bad behaviour and disrespect?

Agree with @CrotchetyQuaver it’s not fair to allow young ND people to believe that they can behave in an unacceptable way and then use ND as an excuse. Yes, it can be harder but the world will hand you consequences no matter how good your excuse is.

As a parent you need to start with - logical - adult boundaries. Often boundaries for children can feel made up if you are ND uniforms, bedtimes etc can feel unfair. They aren’t unfair but they may feel unfair at 13.
At 18 adult boundaries need to be in place. Like I said, if I pay it’s my phone I get to say what happens to it, you don’t like it? Do something.

Lots of people saying natural consequences, which I think is good advice. The really tricky bit is doing it and then sticking to it.

My AuDHD 18 yo is similar. No I wouldn’t take her phone. Natural consequences are always best. Taking the emotion out of it. In the moment of being sworn at ‘that’s really not cool’. If you have a dh and he is there, he may be able to say ‘it is not acceptable to talk to your mum like that’.

When things are calm later, think about a natural consequence. For this (if she has a car): unless you apologise I won’t give you x money for petrol or (if she don’t have a car) I won’t give you a lift to y place etc.

As for the washing, tell you dd she’s an adult and it’s time for her to take responsibility for this. Let her know you’ll be available for the next eg 6 weeks if she needs help to figure out which programmes to use to ensure her clothes are clean and don’t shrink. Remind her at the start, maybe when you see she’s getting low on something. And leave her to it. My dd has to almost run out of certain clothes to put a wash on.

I put my dd in private school for year 9 as she wasn’t coping in mainstream. It’s whet you go if you can. So please don’t use that against her.

Being mum to a teen like this is bloody hard. You have to put your feelings and ego to one side. My dd’s default stance is demand avoidance. Nothing is ever right. You have to go back at things later or even a few days later so that she’s processed.

As for the mess, maybe she needs help? Depends on her executive functioning.