Struggling with 17-year-old pulling away

[changedmyname24]

Ds1 is 17 & we also have DS2 15 & DS3 12. For the first time ever, DS1 won't be coming on our family holiday. It is making me sad & I am struggling to look forward to it in the same way as before 😥

He doesn't really like to spend time with us as a family at all now. He will come on days out but is generally stroppy on these! He loves football & is making a career of it, so I thought he might want to watch World Cup games with us but he doesn't. I try to show an interest & ask questions as I don't understand it much, but this seems to annoy him & is met with disgust. I don't know how to connect with him now.

He does enjoy spending time with my parents, especially my mum which troubles me as she is an alcoholic. He is staying with them when we are on holiday.

He will happily accept lifts from me & ask me for money, but this is as far as it goes. Similar with DH although sometimes he is invited to watch his football matches, I am not.

It's not like I can enjoy a childfree lifestyle yet or maybe ever as DS2 has SEN & may never be independent. He is quite loud & talks non-stop which annoys DS1. I do feel sorry for both younger DSes as it feels like they are losing their brother 😥

He is a good person who has never been in trouble & has already built a good career. I was expecting a push for independence soon, but not yet & not so fiercely! I'm scared I will lose him forever.

Our 14 year old daughter is like this, except still keen to go on holiday. I suppose it’s a natural stage. We try to emphasise politeness and manners over making her join things.

At 17. He's actually quite old to be starting to " pull " away.

But totally normal.

Give him space and you won’t lose him.

At 17 this is later than many.

if he’s already building a career then he’ll be focusing on that and building his adult life.

At 17 I basically lived like a cat: 2 homes (mine and bf); took what I needed from each one and came and went as I pleased. Def wouldn't have wanted to go on holiday. I was a bit of a twat.

He will happily accept lifts from me & ask me for money

Well, of course. Cheeky fucker.

Do you trust your 17 year old to stay at home alone and hold the fort?

I wouldn't.

Leaving him with an alcoholic is not the best idea either.

Oh fuck it OP. Let him be. You deserve a holiday.

It will teach him some independence. Leave some money in his bank account for food and go off to enjoy yourself.

It could be the making of him.

He can't come with us on holiday because he has to work. My parents are both there so he won't be with just my mum. We live literally round the corner, so he has the opportunity to come home as & when he pleases. He is very sensible, doesn't drink, smoke or break any rules & knows lots of people he can call on in the village, so i do trust him. I don't know what else to do really!

don’t worry about it! He might want to go back to coming on holidays with you when he’s a little bit older (think early-mid 20s!).

Completely normal for a teenager to pull away. They are growing up and finding their own independence. It is sad, but shows a healthy ability to state what they want.

I was a right nightmare at his age, couldn’t wait to go away to university.

Like people have said, give it until mid-20s and they are calmer and more appreciative. By then they will snap your hand off for a good holiday and free food!

I agree with the others that he is doing what teens do.

I think trying to engage with him is a good idea but maybe trying to do something on a more equal footing might help so the football thing - he is pretty expert and he doesn’t want to explain it to a novice, fair enough but maybe you both do something new like go karting or something teenage friendly - we often do rock climbing with ours at a rock climbing centre.

With our older teens DH and I bring them off for a coffee (and lunch/cake) one on one and just shoot the breeze.

It isn’t too long that they miss hanging out with friends but it serves a good purpose.

Totally normal.

This is so normal. My boy hasn't holidayed with us since he was 15 and he only comes on a day out twice a year - on my birthday he suffers himself to spend the day with me and his step dad and one step sibling and on his birthday it's only me and my wallet 🤣 you have to be ok with this, it's not only normal for teens of that age to separate from family, it's an essential part of developing into adulthood.

Thanks for all replies & it's reassuring that it's normal. I must know odd families, because I've spoken to at least half a dozen with DC his age & none have been on holiday without teen DC yet, we are the first in my friend groups!

You have to let them go. They come back eventually.

My DS was similar at that age OP, this year he is 23 and is coming on a family holiday for a week with us for the first time since he was 16, apart from Covid year when he started a holiday with us but got a train home after a few days he was so fed up! Don’t give up hope for the future and let him do his own thing now. He sounds really sensible from your description, try to feel proud of his independence. But I know from experience that it is upsetting.

My DS was like this, didn’t come away with us at 17, but 18 joined us with his gf. He’s now 19 and is coming back to us more. Will come down now and sit and watch tv etc, asks if he can join us for food. He asked the other day what our holiday plans are next year as he would like to holiday together again (he is going with his GF this year). So he may come back around if you give him space.

My son was like this at 16/17 and we’d been so close before. I just gave him space. He moved out to go to uni and the uni was only 20 mins from our house .. he was only like this for a year or two then he was 100% back to us being really close again. It’s totally normal even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.