DS relationship

[Babyreindeer24]

Afternoon all!

Just after some advice/perspective on this situation with our DS (14)please.

He got his first serious GF a few months ago. All very innocent and cute going on dates and walks etc.
Initially a lovely girl however we ended up putting a stop to it socially as it was becoming very intense - constant calls, messaging, ditching mates, demanding to know where he was etc.
They were still seeing each other in school however there was an incident where they had argued and teachers got involved so we advised DS to take a step back.

This hasn't gone down too well and he's started lying about where he is (saying he's at the park with friends but he's actually with the GF) and basically being incredibly grumpy, saying she is the only thing that makes him happy 🫠

What's the best way to handle this as it's like walking on eggshells around him now..DH is very much let him crack on with it and it'll blow over eventually.

Completely new territory for me as its like DS has changed overnight 🫠

What a nightmare. Unfortunately it sounds like the more you make her the forbidden fruit the more desperate he is going to be to see her. I think you need to be clear that you have serious concerns about the relationship, that some of her behaviour is very controlling and that it is much too intense to be a healthy relationship. That trust, respect and compromise are important in any relationship.

I think then you should put in some limits around how much he can see her outside school that also ensures there are times to see friends or do clubs or homework or whatever - I would also encourage him to take up some hobbies/clubs if he doesn't have anything like that. He needs things in his life that are separate to her. Get him to come up the plan with you and tell him that you are trusting him to stick to the plan and that trust is important in any relationship (ie she needs to trust him too). He needs to not be sneaking off to see the GF when is supposed to be doing something else.

If he breaks the rules then the amount of time he gets to see her will be cut for an agreed period of time. Decide the rules with him.

No phones over night certainly and perhaps some limits on usage especially at weekends or when he is doing other activities so he is not constantly being distracted by her. Goodluck!

Thank you! Appreciate you responding with some brilliant advice.
Luckily he does have some activities outside of school to keep him busy, and I'm hoping the 6 weeks will cause it to fizzle out - it's not healthy for either of them unfortunately

Thank you again!

That does sound incredibly difficult. Is your DH able to take him out and have a chat with him about what a healthy relationship is like?

Yes we've both spoken to him about healthy relationships and he agrees with us.

He's having his phone taken off him at night now, so we'll see how this goes. He's grounded the first week of the school hols as well for lying again about his whereabouts.

I'm hoping it fizzled out over the school hols as we're not allowing to see her socially x

Yes we've both spoken to him about healthy relationships and he agrees with us.

He's having his phone taken off him at night now, so we'll see how this goes. He's grounded the first week of the school hols as well for lying again about his whereabouts.

I'm hoping it fizzled out over the school hols as we're not allowing to see her socially x

Well if you're not allowing him to see her (out of school) of course he's going to lie about where he is.

You’re causing the lying by banning him from seeing her. Unfortunately you can’t stop him being in a relationship with whomever he chooses. Just keep talking to him, otherwise you’re going to push him away and toward her and cause an “us against the world” mentality for them which is a recipe for disaster. He’s just going to lie and find ways to see her all summer.

Of course you can’t just control who he cares about. Surely it’s best to just enforce some boundaries in how often he’s allowed out, rather than try to stop it completely.
Have you never watched any teen dramas? 😂

I’m sorry OP by banning him from seeing her you are setting him up to fail.

No Teen in the history of humankind is going to stop seeing another Teen because their DPs said so.

If you say no, he’s going to want to see her even more as now you’ve done that you have made her doubly attractive. Not only does he fancy her but now she has the allure of being forbidden.

If you’ve spoken to him about healthy relationships, talk to him
again. Say that you’re fine with him seeing her but healthy relationships, and the ones that last are usually the ones where you see each other but also keep up with hobbies and see your friends as well.

And you do have to be welcoming to her. My BFriend got with her DH at 15 and they’re still together 40 years later. You don’t know how long this is going to last or how intense it’s going to be. One thing is sure though, it’s going to last longer and be more intense the more you ban him. Can you imagine how excited they will be to see one another after a week of being forced to be apart?

I also think you are either being extremely lucky or extremely naive. If I tried to ban my DC2 I can almost guarantee that they would just wait till we were asleep and then go out anyway.

DC1 probably wouldn’t but trying to ban them would result in an awful lot of resentment.