Feel like I’m getting it all wrong!

[Zil3]

Help please! (Sorry it’s so long)

I’ve got a teenage daughter from 1st marriage and I’m remarried with two primary aged children.

After over 10 years of upset going to her dad’s (following court ordered access arrangements) teenager decided this year she no longer wants to go and he agreed. Her behaviour improved at home, she was more pleasant and present with us and just generally more of pleasure to be around without the stress of her not wanting to go to dad’s.

Recently things have shifted. He is now coaxing her back with expensive gifts and activities and she is agreeing with him to go but seemingly only for holidays abroad and for activities such as shopping trips. Her dad has plenty of money and I worry that she’s turning into a money grabber which concerns me. She’s also changed how she is at home, she expects everything her own way and plays up if she doesn’t get what she wants (unlimited screen time, expensive clothes etc).

I am pleased that she is finding a way back to having a relationship with her dad but I’m scared that she’s turning into a spoilt, selfish person in the process.

I also feel like she has become more distant and cold recently and it feels like it’s because I’m not in a financial position to keep up with the holidays/expensive gifts that her dad is enticing her back with! I don’t want her to become a person driven by money/ possessions, or is that normal for this age?!

Please can anyone help, what can I do to survive this and minimise the upset for all involved? I feel like I’m getting it all wrong at the moment and it’s really getting me down :-(

Talk to her. Say basically what you've said hear but in a "I've noticed... I've wondered... What do you think about..." sort of curious way.

I think you might be wrong about her turning into a spoilt person and her attitude towards you being based on what you offer versus her dad. I think the change you've noticed us more about her self loathing

From what you've said:
She doesn't like her dad. Fine, I expect she has her reasons

She likes things/experiences/activities. Normal, who doesn't?

So now her dad is trying to buy her love, and he has good incentives to offer. She probably can see straight through this, so she's using him right back to get the stuff. Why would she say no to fun? Why wouldn't she expoilt a dad who's upset her in the past? But if she's basically a decent person this can't feel good for her long term. Yes she gets fun activities, but she'll be feeling guilty and shit about herself. And that pain she's feeling is leaking out at home with you. Because you're safe and she can act like a shit around you and you'll still love her in spite of how much she hates herself and hates her dad for putting her in this situation. So you need to talk to her about this situation with no judgement. And talk about how she feels about it all. She needs to be able to be honest with herself and you about what's happening and her feelings. Whether or not she continues to accept the stuff from her dad is immaterial, so long as she can feel good about how she's behaving in the relationship with her dad

No you are not getting it wrong.

Teens often go through a really selfish/ self-absorbed phase. They often become hyper aware of their image in front of other teens - so bragging rights become important.

Your dd is basically exploiting her dad. It isn’t a relationship really rooted in love and respect - it’s shallow and materialistic.

Whereas at home with you - that’s where she gets boundaries and parenting. Teens really need that structure otherwise there’s nothing to bring them back to earth.

So you can cut her some slack re her dad, knowing that deep down SHE knows it’s hollow and that her family life with you is what is going to really count in building her character for adulthood.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate this view point of how she may feel bad about it, it’s not one I’ve really considered.
I try talking to her with open ended (non-accusatory/confrontational!) questions but often feel like she’s not really listening or engaging so it feels like I get nowhere and that fuels my worries that I’m failing as a mum!

Thank you, it really helps to hear this. I think I’m afraid of losing the relationship we had too but I know that by being soft won’t help in the long run.