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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Daughter talking behind friends back and has been caught out

16 replies

cottonbutterfly · 03/07/2026 17:20

14 y old daughter (Emily) was speaking very negatively to her ‘best’ friend (Fiona)about another girl (Anna). Emily was venting to Fiona about how Anna had changed and was ‘fake’ and ‘annoying’ and how much she disliked her. This is horrible behaviour, I know.
Fiona went and told Anna. When Emily confronted Fiona. She said Anna was her best friend and deserved to know. Emily now feels everyone at school hates her, she doesn’t have any friends and can’t go back. she came home from school at break today as she was so upset.
I know Emily’s behaviour is awful. She should never have been bitching about Anna- and now this is the consequence.
I want to advise her to send a apology to Anna acknowledging she has been mean and unkind towards her. Some thing along the lines of “I’m so sorry I have hurt you. I should have never said those unkind things about you” not to try and justify it- just an honest apology, and to expect that Anna may not want to be her friends again.
i want to suggest she leaves it a day or before contacting Fiona and apologising for putting her in a difficult situation with Anna- but also explain she is hurt that Fiona didn’t tell her she was going to tell Anna. Also Fiona may not want to continue to be friends.
do you think this is the right approach?
she was very wrong in what she did and when she has calmed down a bit I feel I need to have a discussion with her about bitching about people and how she reacts to people. she does struggle socially and often perceives people to be hostile towards her- and then declares that she “hates them”
I know she is has behaved badly, and please don’t think I am condoning her, but I love her and want to support her too.
she does have a few friend outside of that group and a boyfriend. I have advised her to go in on Monday, not to get drawn in to any more gossiping or back stabbing and keep her head down.
she’s my eldest and I find the friendship issues so hard to navigate with her. I know she is older now and has to figure things out for herself too- but it’s upsetting to see how is is behaving and how she is hurting as a result.
any advice?

OP posts:
W0tnow · 03/07/2026 17:24

She’s behaved like just about every other teenage girl that has ever existed. So, by the way, has Fiona. They’ll eventually work it out. Or not. This age can be so tricky to navigate. Tell her to apologise. There’s not much more to be done.

Motnigh · 03/07/2026 17:26

W0tnow · 03/07/2026 17:24

She’s behaved like just about every other teenage girl that has ever existed. So, by the way, has Fiona. They’ll eventually work it out. Or not. This age can be so tricky to navigate. Tell her to apologise. There’s not much more to be done.

Edited

Very wise words!

W0tnow · 03/07/2026 17:29

lol. That doesn’t happen often.

I do have two girls who have graduated from teen-hood. So, I’ve been places, done things, and have t-shirts, so can speak with some authority!

BotterMon · 03/07/2026 17:31

Just let them sort it out between them. Is it normal nowadays for parents to be so incredibly overinvested in the minutia of their teenager's lives?

AgnesMcDoo · 03/07/2026 17:33

Stay out of it. She needs to sort this out herself.

OutOfApricots · 03/07/2026 17:45

AgnesMcDoo · 03/07/2026 17:33

Stay out of it. She needs to sort this out herself.

Agree. Her predicament and her upset is entirely of her own making, and she needs this hard life lesson to make her realise that her behaviour was unacceptable.

likelysuspect · 03/07/2026 18:01

W0tnow · 03/07/2026 17:24

She’s behaved like just about every other teenage girl that has ever existed. So, by the way, has Fiona. They’ll eventually work it out. Or not. This age can be so tricky to navigate. Tell her to apologise. There’s not much more to be done.

Edited

Exactly, nothing unusual

I dont know what you mean OP by 'terrible behaviour', dont you ever talk about someone you dont like? Its normal, people have conversations about things and people they like and dislike

Freshtona · 03/07/2026 18:05

You're too involved. Step back and let them sort it

cottonbutterfly · 03/07/2026 18:05

I wasn’t going to get involved personally or anything- just wanted to know how to best handle this and what to advise her.

OP posts:
GOATYOAT · 03/07/2026 18:10

I understand she is your daughter, but you are waaaay over invested. Advise her to apologise and tell her not to do it again. This will happen 1000 times before adulthood.

saveforthat · 03/07/2026 18:14

BotterMon · 03/07/2026 17:31

Just let them sort it out between them. Is it normal nowadays for parents to be so incredibly overinvested in the minutia of their teenager's lives?

Yes it is. I'm frequently astonished how seriously teenage dramas are taken by mumsnetters. She came home from school, really?

Chipshopsiblingwar · 03/07/2026 18:30

Teen girls can be so mean to eachother. Its normal and a important life lesson for her. From a former teen girl and mum to a current teen girl.

MagicMarkers · 03/07/2026 18:33

Everyone talks about people behind their backs. Do you think it's better to say it to their faces? Fiona was behaving badly and stirring by repeating what was said.

Bigtrapeze · 03/07/2026 18:48

OP, is she asking for your advice? Or just telling you what has happened? This is incredibly common and I don't think you can fix it for her. If you did, I think you would prevent her from learning an invaluable life lesson. I am sure we have all been an Emily, Fiona or Anna in the past. It's how you learn.

This is a very serious situation in her world but I do worry that by getting so involved you have given her the impression that she is actually in a very serious situation having done something terrible. She isn't and hasn't.

The best thing you can do is nod, say 'oh yes?' and generally encourage her to come up with her own solution which won't be the same as yours. If she says you don't understand, she's right. Maturity and hindsight make this situation inaccessible to you, sadly, and she will benefit hugely from you acknowledging that this has occurred, that she might not like the consequences but that it too shall pass, and there is life beyond school friendships.

If you were able to fix this for her by drafting a letter of apology and coaching her to take back what she said, she might still be doing this in her twenties. By all means offer some emotional support but anything above and beyond that will rob her of this vital life lesson that it would appear they all need to learn the hard way, either by doing it themselves or by watching it play out.

Tempting as it is to try to swoop in and fix their mistakes, you can't. This is hard for parents. Nobody likes to watch their kid upset but they often get over it and sort it out remarkably quickly, leaving the mother still thinking about it a week later when it is old news to them. I say mother because I have yet to meet a father who listened to the end of the complex he said she said sorry tale but apologies if dads do this. My DH has a very short attention span for this and he is probably right not to give it too much thought. I try to learn from his wise ways now we are on teen girl number 2.

Lexy2345 · 03/07/2026 18:56

You can’t make this better for her, it’s a rite of passage for a teenage girl. They’ll all be best friends before the month’s out.

waterrat · 04/07/2026 09:22

It's a useful life lesson to at some point get caught out being a bitch behind your friends back.

I mean...who hasn't been ?!

It's painful to see your kids suffer but it will be best for her if you downplay the entire thing and just say yep you messed up here try and think how to resolve it. But I also would be real with her...all these kids will be doing this too !

The friend who repeated her comments is a meddling trouble maker

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