Do the teenage years get any better? Drained

[KeenLemonPanda]

I am really struggling with my 14 year old son. I know this is part of the parcel of having a teenager but it doesn't make it any easier.
I've posted before about him being completely unmotivated by anything, and lazy. This is still the case however the attitude and the mood swings are now getting just as bad.
I try really hard not to nag all the time however I obviously do ask about the basics - homework, room tidy, up and ready for school etc.
He says I'm always shouting at him or always going on at him. I keep saying I wouldn't have to go on at him if he just did the BASICS that he should be doing. For example every single day he leaves his dirty clothes in the bathroom, his towel on the floor, his room must have 5 plates and numerous glasses, dirty washing everywhere. So obviously I tell him, and it only gets tidied up after I tell him a lot of times.
I feel at this age he should do basic jobs to help around the house, get himself up and ready ON TIME for school, maybe even ask if I need help when he can see I'm busy but he doesn't.
He has no hobbies. I have tried and tried to get him into sports etc but he says no. He goes to the gym occasionally but that's it. He spends most of his time in his room and never wants to do anything ever.
Just everything is an argument and it's really draining me.
This morning he's come downstairs in a foul mood, when I asked what's wrong he said I'm always shouting at him (there's been no shouting this morning at all!)

From reading threads on here I know this is quite common behaviour but it really does make me miserable. I don't have friends with similar age boys. One friend has a girl the same age who is an absolute delight and angel of a child and I can't help but compare. I'm just so deflated and drained. We almost never have good days at the moment.

I had 3 teenagers at the same time . I had low expectations of them helping around the house and didn’t do much shouting , I just let them get away with it. A friend on the other hand threatened her teenage daughter that if her room remained messy then she, the mother would deal with it .
It remained messy so the mum went in with bin bags and shoved everything out of place into them . This included clothes from the floor , half empty cups of team snd plates , cutlery etc . Absolutely everything . She then hid it all and told her daughter it was all in the bin😂.
When the girl eventually got it all back she had to wash her own clothes and everything else in the bag . She was also a lot tidier going forward.

personally I went with natural consequences on some of this,

I washed stuff in the laundry basket. If clothes were left on the floor in the bedroom or the bathroom they didn’t get washed.

I did the bin bag thing with my daughter and not only did it not work she asked me to do it every holiday to help her sort her room out.

I’d advise stepping back on some of the stuff and work out what battles are really worth fighting. Keeping room tidy wasn’t one for me although me and dd did attack it together most holidays.

homework and getting to school are worth nagging.

Just to add support - I know how you feel! My 14 year old daughter is exactly the same as this. She has been recently diagnosed with adhd so that sheds a different light on some of it. She also refuses to get involved in any hobbies any more and just wants to scroll on her phone. I’ve found that the more we nag her to do things the worse things become - I’ve pared it right back and only ask her to do the basics which are to tidy up after herself (after a shower and putting plate in dishwasher after eating etc), get to school on time and do her homework. Even this can be difficult and she needs a lot of reminding and she still tries to get away with not doing it if she can. But it just means that the expectations are very clear and minimal. I don’t nag her to tidy her room but gently suggest if anyone came over what would they think if they saw her room as it is? This does help her think to tidy it herself.
It’s so hard though and I really feel for you as it’s so stressful but for my own sanity I have had to check out a bit, unfortunately her Dad hasn’t reached that point yet and is still doing the nagging which doesn’t help their relationship.

It does get better. My son is now 25 and he’s a nice human being, when he was 14 I would have happily throttled him.

I dealt with it with minimal ground rules, his room was his problem but I would retrieve school uniform to wash if it didn’t go in the laundry basket (it mostly did) as I didn’t want him getting behaviour points at school for uniform violations. No plates are allowed upstairs, only mugs or glasses, when he ran out he wasn’t allowed my mug or the nice glasses. No computer or games consoles in the bedroom, downstairs only and off the console before 9 pm.

All the other stuff I tried to let go, homework I would ask if he had any but leave him to it (or not!), chores I gave up on. Was I consistent- probably not, did I nag - yes but not all the time, did we argue - yes but not all the time, is it easy - no, is your friends daughter really that perfect - no but she’ll but up to stuff her mum has no idea about.

Good luck, and remember it really does get better.

You made me feel better because 14 yo girl is similar.
What has worked for us has been more daily limits on phone use and focusing on a few key things (homework to be done, sanitary towels not to be left on carpet) - if not, she can’t go to town on Saturday or forfeits phone for 24 hours. You need to find the sanction that they really care about and use it fairly and consistently.
Also we have laid down firm lines that we are not her verbal punching bags. We’re happy to talk about anything and try to help her but she is not to become abusive and insulting. The C-word is not allowed.

We got her to go to a tennis club once a week, that seems to help and is good 1:1 time on the journey there and back. Less phone helps with that as well as she’ll come and watch TV with us once it’s off…

It is extraordinarily difficult and I often wonder if it is because I have worked whereas my mum was at home. I certainly didn’t behave like this at 14 - but my dad would have come down on me like a ton of bricks, manners and respect were non-negotiable 40 years ago.

My other daughter is not like this (although she is younger..,)

i have a 15 year old son

I found he improved a lot when I stopped nagging him and treated him like an adult

I ask him to bring his plates down politely and he normally does

There are moments that I would happily kick him out for a peaceful life

But at this age you can treat them like adults

His homework for GCSEs I stopped nagging him about as that just caused an argument and nothing got done

Instead I told him he could have money for every point that he got which seemed to help

I had low expectations for him, but he seems to be doing well

Year 9 is definitely the worst form of hell.

I’d suggest stopping the shouting and nagging. It’s annoying but tbh there are more important things in life than leaving dirty clothes on the floor. Leave him be. You’ll miss him when he leaves home.

Thank you everyone it's good to hear I'm not alone!
I'm hoping it's not his personality but more a teenage phase and that all the effort and values I've installed into him over the years will come out eventually!
I may try the offering money for the merits at school, and sanctions of losing phone for de merits. It's the attitude I really can't stand, I wouldn't of dared spoken to an adult with an attitude when I was a teenager.

I will very much miss him when he leaves one day, however I disagree, he's going to be a man in a few short years and I do not expect his future partner to have to clean up his dirty clothes because he's never been made to.
I also will never be one of these people who can just shut a door on a messy room. I don't expect it to be immaculate but a quick 2 mins of putting dirty clothes in the washer and bringing down empty cups is not a bit ask. Yes it's his room but it's my house.

Nearly all teens go through a phase of leaving their dirty clothes all over the place.

most of them become reasonably clean adults. Generally after uni to be honest, if you think his bedroom is bad now don’t ever visit a shared house at uni

Great idea re money for GCSE points. How much did you offer him?

My son was like this. We finally got an inattentive ADHD diagnosis at 17 but too late to make a huge difference to A levels. I honestly just thought he was lazy :-(

Then you will have to keep putting up with the arguments. I think it is better not to shout, support, remind, pick your battles, treat him like am adult: actions vs consequences

It takes a long time to grow up and mature

I used to worry a lot about my DD2 messy room and spending too much time on screen. She was responsible with her studies though. Turned 19, she has two jobs, one which is quite physical and outdoor, rain or shine; which she has to do recently with the heat wave. She is also very tidy again. She stayed at home alone while we went on holidays and we came back to about 5 bags full of rubbish (old clothes, toys, books)

It is a phase, have faith OP. They are going through so much stuff at that age,

Vitamins may help too for energy. I use The Vitabiotics, well teen.

Stop comparing your child please; he will pick up on this, even if you don’t say it. They need lots of love, patience and support at that age. I know is not essy

I would pick the plates up coz it would wind me up to leave them there, i would chuck his towel onto his bedroom floor along with his clothes and tell.him he can do his own washing, its summer so it will dry on the line and also remove your towel from the bathroom so he cant use it! Leave him to his filth,

I’m here for solidarity! I have a very similar 14 year old and I’ve stopped battling.

There are a few hills I’ll die on though. He has to do one sport every week. Non negotiable. He doesn’t get wifi for a week if he misses it. He has to bring down any plates and cups from his room before he is allowed any more food. He has to bring me his laundry downstairs if he wants it washed. If he doesn’t bring it, it doesn’t get washed.

Everything else, I let slide. I pick up his clothes from bathroom floor and fling them into his room and close the door. I don’t nag him to tidy his room or get up or anything else really. He’ll grow out of it all soon.

This isn’t my first rodeo!

I appreciate you view them as "basics" but to him they're clearly not. I'd maybe pick/work out with him what really matters and let the rest go. If his clothes are on the floor, just push them out the way and if he wants them washing they need to go in the laundry basket. My rule on bedrooms is, as long as the door shuts and everything shared is out of there, it's actually not my business. Have it as messy as you like but I want my mugs and plates back!! At some point in his future a friend or gf/bf will refuse to go in there or tell him it's gross and he will sort it out, but you telling him won't make an ounce of difference to his desire to sort it.

I'd also see if you can build any joy at all into your relationship- is there anything he likes/would want to do (even if it's super light like watching a football match on tv together or grabbing a Starbucks drive thru once a week, or a mcdonalds). I always think you need at least one bonding activity that keeps going regardless of how messy his room is or how rude he is being, it brings you back together to a place where you can stop being annoyed and he can just enjoy his parent. Hopefully it then becomes a place holder for a more adult relationship when he moves out etx. Remember his hormones are doing crazy things, keep a dialogue if you can that doesn't revolve around asking him to do stuff/being in charge.

My oldest was a shit bag at 14.
He is 18 now and the best. I’d say glimpses of my little boy coming back started around age 15. Hormones are rough, you have to cut him slack. He’s basically an oversized toddler right now. Boundaries and consequences but without yelling and shouting because it doesn’t work.
Ignore the grumpy mood in the morning, he’s tired, teens need to sleep late and school doesn’t facilitate this so they are grumpy in the morning.

Dial down the expectations and try and get him out for walks or make his favourite food. Your little boy is still in there.

my kids were responsible for their own rooms. They didn’t tend to eat in them though. They changed their bed linen etc. I’d just give them clean sheets and ask them to put the old ones in the basket. My son was quite particular and though his room got messy he washed and ironed his own clothes. My Dd cleaned every once in a while.
Best thing for getting my son to be tidy was getting a girlfriend at 15! She had high standards.

I have a DS 14 (15 next month) and a DD 13. I’m in the trenches over here. It feels like everything I’ve ever instilled in them has evaporated out of their brains. I’ll re set bedrooms occasionally in the hope they can keep on top of them (they don’t). Phones are restricted to calling and texting off at 7pm every night and kept in the kitchen, DD actually has a Nokia as she broke 3 iPhones, thought she’d be mortified but she actually loves it 🤦🏻‍♀️. I’m never right, everything I say or advise they know best (they don’t). Both have ADHD which adds a whole other lever of frustration on both sides. DS is particularly unmotivated though, just done his mocks and genuinely seems to have not given a damn. It’s awful as his teachers have high hopes for him if he can put the work in and it feels like he half arses everything. He doesn’t have unrestricted screen time because he’d be 1000x worse. He’ll quite happily sit in his room, mess with Lego, read or listen to audiobooks sound fabulous right? But I can’t shake the feeling that life is just passing him by and he’s got some big decisions to make in the coming year that he’s absolutely got no interest in despite us talking to him regularly about. It feels like we’re swimming through mud with him. Mine are 14 months apart and people thought I was mad and run off my feet with two toddlers but nothing compares to the mental exhaustion of this stage. Give me two babies any day haha!

DH and I have had some time of it with 19yo DS today. He mucked around the job agency he is with, took shifts then didn't show up. We said he had to phone and apologise for mucking the company and the agency about! Luckily apologising worked and he has a job to go to tomorrow. He is hard work! We have issues with him taking cannabis in the past. He has a car to maintain so we explained he needs a job. He isn't getting to live at home without a job over the summer. He's back to college after summer.

These are tough years! Keep fighting your corner 💪 ♥️

I have a 14 year old boy and it is the hardest ..sometimes im sorry to say....most jobless bit of parenting. You worry so much thst behaviour is because you brought them up badly.

My son gets round phone controls despite a lot of effort and frequently I find he has been on it for literally hours ...or into small.hours. he just lost his phone for a few days over this but its unbearable how much we argue about it.

I know this may sound shit parenting and my husband hates that I do it..but I've taken rhe view that if his mess bothers me then I deal with it now and again yo stop it getting out of control.

I go and take plates out and I also go in about once a week and quickly pick up laundry get it into his basket and hang stuff up

I feel life is too short to argue about that stuff. I do nag him too but I feel id go mad if I let it take up too much brain space

I also finf the rudeness unbearable. Sometimes I feel I live with a bully. But I try to remember the hormones and worries they are living with. If I dont like the tone I try to just say okay im not engaging with that tone and I walk away for a while to de escalate.

Ten pound a point

It should (hopefully) work out about £500 ish pounds

It gives him some money to go to college with as well so he can buy new clothes and other things that teens like

But I've made him earn it in a way as well

(I wanted to give him some money when he turned 16 anyway so it all helps with this)

I get it. I love a clean and tidy house. I prefer a happy family life with no shouting and nagging more. He’ll get there eventually.