Teen DD and tik toc

[Duckface123]

Morning everyone,
Thanks for reading this could be long and a little all over the place.

I'm just looking for some advice on how to navigate this situation. My daughter is 15 and posts pictures of herself on tik tok. The photos are selfies taken in front of the mirror mainly of her face or ones where she is showing her outfit. She usually wears shorts and tshirt.. A few months ago I received a phone call and was told about some pictures that were perhaps a little inappropriate for her age. I spoke to her, asked to see her phone to look at the pictures she happily gave me the phone to check. There was a couple of photos taken before a disco . She had a dress on and her pose was adult like very sexualised. We spoke about this, how it was not appropriate for a girl her age, boundaries around who has access to her tik tok etc. She gave all indications that she understood where we were coming from would be more mindful etc. We also monitored her tik tok more regularly.

All was going well until yesterday when I got another phone call about pictures again, same thing happened. Spoke to DD told her our stance on it , what was acceptable and what was not. She got very cross told us thats what all her friends do (they do I checked) and nobody else's parents don't mind and that we are overreacting. Im at a loss, she is very headstrong, confident funny etc. But yesterday she said to not so nice things and I'm wondering how we navigate this going forward. Thanks for reading.

There's two aspects to this

1. Yours and the mystery phone caller's (her dad?) discomfort about a 15 year old having a sexuality.
2. Her safety

As far as point 1 goes, she's 15, she has a sexuality. It is uncomfortable to accept as a parent but it's normal. The important things to talk with her about (I used the word "with" purposefully, this shouldn't be a lecture, but a conversation where you're getting her to think for herself) are her own personal boundaries, her self respect, self esteem and her knowledge/acceptance that whatever goes out on the Internet can haunt her all her life. If you lay down the law, she will create a second account that you know nothing about and she'll post whatever she wants on it. She needs to feel that you're on her side, that you respect her and hear her. You also need to feel that she hears your concerns. You need to have conversations where she understands the reasons behind why you don't want her to post certain things online. Is her tiktok account private? How many and which friends are on it if so? Have you had all the conversations about sending/receiving explicit images, assuming everyone you talk to online is really a dirty old man, doxing, blackmail for media etc? Does she absolutely know that if she does do something stupid, feels uncomfortable about anything, or is blackmailed she needs to come to you immediately, and no matter how stupid she's been you'll help her without blaming her. Knowledge and trust in her parents to help if/when she gets in trouble are the ways to keep her safe online.

Your post does come across as you laying down your stance, your values. That doesn't work with 15 year olds. They really do need to understand the reasons why you think what you do and they agree with you. That means you have to explicitly spell out the dangers which can be uncomfortable and difficult.
The way you describe your DDs thoughts sounds like she's being a lemming, following the crowd. "all my friends post photos like this" OK great, so she's doing this to fit in? To not be picked on? Or because it makes her feel empowered? Attractive? Get her to think about why she wants to post sexualised photos and who she thinks her audience is. Her female friends? Potential boyfriends? Dirty old men? What is she comfortable with? What are her standards? Her values? How does she keep herself safe? Feel valued? Get her to talk to you and listen to her opinions. Have a conversation or a series of conversations that feel curious and open and absolutely not you telling her what to do.

@ShakaWhenTheWallsFellThank you so much for your reply, it was definitely good to get an outsiders opinion and I am very grateful. The phone calls were from other family members not her dad he is very much in the same boat as me. You have given us alot to think about and to reflect on. I think you are right in that the way or stance that we are trying to deal with it is not working. And it is most likely not helping the situation. We really are just going around in circles. I have to admit that I am embarrassed by some of the pictures. I have not told her this. We will definitely be having a conversation later on. Her tiktok is available for friends of which there are many, she seems to see them as friends but are most not close friends she doesn't seem to get what true friends are this is most likely a reflection of her age. The other thing to note is followers on tik tok think the thousands, she tells me that this followers do not see what she posts. I have no idea if this is true or not. I think I need to do a crash course in tik tok. Thanks again

Her tiktok is available for friends of which there are many, she seems to see them as friends but are most not close friends she doesn't seem to get what true friends are this is most likely a reflection of her age. The other thing to note is followers on tik tok think the thousands, she tells me that this followers do not see what she posts. I have no idea if this is true or not. I think I need to do a crash course in tik tok

I think you should get your own tiktok account so you understand the privacy settings and don't get the wool pulled over your eyes. (the same probably goes for other SM eg Snapchat) You probably also need to understand better the nature of the for you page and how the algorithm pushes content that it thinks is what the user wants to see so you can be better informed about the media she's consuming.
You sound a little too innocent and your DD might be using that to her advantage to get around your rules/expectations. You both need to be very realistic about what 15 year olds get up to and how they can remain safe in spite of that.

I really feel for you, it's such a tricky age. I think most teens genuinely see these kinds of photos as normal because that's what they see online every day. I'd try to keep the conversation going rather than turning it into a big battle. Focus on staying safe online, who can see the pictures, and how quickly things can spread once they're posted. She'll probably keep saying "everyone else does it", but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have your own boundaries. It sounds like you've handled it calmly so far, and I'd just keep talking to her and reminding her that you're coming from a place of wanting to protect her, not spoil her fun.