Those of you with lonely teenagers - how do you spend the weekend?

[loopylocks]

After another somewhat miserable weekend with my lonely DD14, I’m looking for any sage advice on how to fill her weekends up a bit.

She’s 14, no close friends. A few casual friends at school who she will have lunch with but no one she texts / meets out of school / has sleepovers with. She has had close friends in the past but they moved away. She’s quite shy, anxious and pessimistic so finds it quite difficult to make new friends or make the first move. She has tried a few times to arrange things with the casual school friends but it never comes to anything and she’s basically given up trying now.

This weekend has been yet another weekend of her feeling bored and lonely at home, needing me to be her companion all the time - which I find a bit draining . Plus she can be quite unpleasant and tends to lash out (verbally) when she’s lonely and stressed which I also find hard to deal with.

We go for walks, sometimes shopping (tho I hate shopping!), cinema, occasionally the theatre. Or we stay at home and watch TV or cook. What else could we do to the pass the time? She point blank refuses to join clubs of any sort.

Truth is though whatever we do she’s always sad to some extent because she’s lonely and not hanging out with friends like it seems every other teenager does. We went for a walk yesterday and saw lots of groups of girls around her age hanging out in the sunshine and it made her so despondent (plus embarrassed to be seen with her Mum).

I feel bad for her and, selfishly, feel a bit drained by having to fill the gap. I’d like a weekend to do my own thing. And I’d like her to have a normal teenage social life and be happier. Sigh.

She point blank refuses to join clubs of any sort

Can you have a chat and explain that she needs to help herself as you can't fix everything for her, much as you love her.

Is there a Saturday morning drama group, art class ... anything that she would try?

What about you join a gym together and after the induction say she needs to find a class to do separately from you. Or you're going to do a class whilst she uses the equipment?

At home just leave her to her own devices sometimes, she's not a toddler you can micromanage. Do your own thing without feeling guilty. Remember you're her mum not her friend.

And please don't tolerate her being unpleasant to you - call her out on it everytime.

Best of luck, OP.

Shy anxious and pessimistic- got either a comic book shop, warhammer shop or a board game cafe near you? You might have to go along initially to get her in the door, but staff at these places are usually very teen girl friendly.

She point blank refuses to join clubs of any sort.

Dd2 does an art class online at Saturday.
You can find classes of all sort online.

We are a scout/guide family often doing weekend events. It's very different from the casual school friends for our teenager.

How about doing something like parkrun together? If you like walks you can walk it, volunteer there together. There are always lots of teens at our local one and it might be a way to make friends in a less pressured way. Plus it gets you out the house!

What is the friction for her seeing the friends she does have on the weekend? Does she want to see them? Is there anything you can do to facilitate it?

Who else is in her life? Dad, cousin, Aunt etc? How about they spend more time together so it’s not just you?

Does she cook or do basic DIY jobs? Anything to keep her busy and boost her confidence and sense of achievement is great.

If she's unpleasant to you she's unpleasant to other people. She needs to learn social skills.

Would she consider volunteering or working in a charity shop? She will be out of the house and mixing with people. Also dungeons and dragons have gaming groups for mixed ages.

Do you socialise? I think it’s important for her to see you mix with friends. Can you invite your friends over who have teenagers of a similar age?

Not even sure if this is a thing anymore but my sister volunteered at the local hospice around this age she went onto a relevent happy career and learnt herself some social skills.

Id help her find a summer job at 14,that's what the 14s and 13s I know are doing.

I was in exactly the same situation at 14.. right down to being unpleasant to my poor Mum. I was quite depressed when I look back actually.
I’m sorry no real answer, happily I did make a new group of friends in the last GCSE year by starting to chat to a couple of girls in my art class, 3 of us are actually still friends 34 years later!

I think your DD just has to look around at who is in her school year and start trying to get to know new people.. which is very hard when you’re shy!
Also she could try volunteering locally (which may lead to a part time job), & yes many gyms take over 14s. She could then try some classes.
But the hardest obstacle at that age (well any age) is lack of confidence & shyness, I was terrible & it really limited me; it turned out I was Autistic which was diagnosed last year. Not saying your DD is, but any kind of issue with social skills is very hard.

I don't have a teenager but i was quite similar at her age. I've found having a role to play, e.g through volunteering or a job, helped ease the pressure when it came to developing social skills.

I dont have much advice but just wanted to message with a bit of support or solidarity.
Some kids and teens have life a bit harder than others and aren't naturally popular. They might be shy or a little awkward, a bit different or not interested in the same things as their peers.

I dont agree with PP that if she is unpleasant to you she is unpleasant to others. You are her safe space, she is relaxed with you. I feel very sorry for her and can understand how she is feeling very low, lonely and frustrated so it is understandable that she lashes out sometimes. She is dealing with a lot.

We do our best for our kids but in teen years what they really want is peers.
My son is 14 and doesn't have many friends either. He does game online with some guys though. We live rurally and its over an hr drive to a big town or city or the coast.
We have done escape rooms, lunch and a while in an arcade doing air hockey etc, sports matches but he doesn't really like them, swimming, bowling, tried surfing in the Summer.
It all ends up costing a fortune! And while we have had some nice days I know he would rather be hanging out with friends.

No help to you im afraid, just letting you know you are not alone. Its so easy for others to say just do whatever. Or I wouldn't stand for that but when you have a down and lonely teenager it is very worrying and you do have to consider how fragile they might be feeling. By all means let them know you dont appreciate their tone or attitude but you still have to be their safe haven too.

My daughter has friends but doesn’t see them often outside of school.
she has a main hobby and now has a part time job.
She prefers spending time with me (which is hard!). We bake, go for walks, park run, gym, reformer Pilates, shopping, concerts, coffee, escape rooms. I’ve joined craft groups and she’s come along, it’s made her her used to talking to people of all ages.
does your DD have any hobbies?

Get her signed up to cadets.

I sympathise hugely op. My 12 year old is autistic and I've managed to help keep her primary school friends in her life but I do know hw it feels to have to be everything to your child. (And sorry for the mumsnet cliche byt have you considered autism ? I do think where very entrenched social struggles it is always something to be considered)

I think you need to show some tough love here. Explain to her that you have to support her to develop some independence and if she is not at all willing to look for clubs you will. Drama can be great for anxious or shy kids...nowadays I find groups are usually very happy to help and anxious or neurodiverse kid join in.

Otherwise...online school type clubs? Outschool has lots of social stuff for shy kids. So many Nd kids are now learning online. Not just school stuff but hobbies and activities. And often then it can link you to people nearby.

Ultimately hard as it is I would say you need to let her know you arent always available at weekends so she can try some small scary steps.....

I really do know how hard it is though. If she is neurodiverse ir can be so helpful to know as then you can find local groups for Nd teens.

I used facrbook to find kids local to me who shared my daughter's interests (particular TV shows etc).

I'd have been horrified if mine wanted a job other than paper round at that age

14 is a difficult age. If you had a teenager that was out a lot at the weekends - as in evenings or hanging about in parks or shopping centres during the day - you'd be very worried. Let her gently find her own way.

As someone who used to be a shy, lonely, bookish and quiet teenage girl myself (whose dad used to have to go and watch teen flicks with me as I had no-one else to go with; and I vividly remember loving him so much for doing this while also being embarrassed!) I wondered if it might be helpful to say that for me at least, it didn't last.

I found my people at uni and now have a good group of friends from then, different workplaces, other circles - and am celebrating a random birthday of mine with 15 of them next month. I am never lonely any more - and have learned to cherish my lovely, caring friends and be a good friend in turn because I feel so lucky to have them.

I know that everyone is different, and it does nothing to solve your immediate question, but hopefully it might give people reading this a bit of hope.

At the time, mum and dad would reassure me - whenever I was sad that I didn't have any friends and never would, no matter how I tried! - that I was lovely and fun and it was just that I hadn't found my group yet. Now I am an adult, they freely confess that at the time they were worried I would never have any friends!

I think it's very difficult for a socially awkward teenager, especially if she is reluctant to join in. You need to very gently push her out of her comfort zone. Send her on errands like going to the shop. Help her start a hobby, even if it's a solitary one. By all means do things with her but also don't stop your own life. Sometimes leave her home bored and lonely....but maybe with a job to do, while you go out with a friend.

My dd doesn't socialise much outside of school, aged 13. It's a tricky age as they all develop and mature at different speeds and haven't grown up enough to be nice to people who are different. I find by the end of y10 they all become a but more sociable (teacher) and that's when my own ds began having a bit more of a social life.

What my kids have always done is swimming for club. We also do family hikes. Camping trips. Going to gigs etc as a family. Weekends we often just let the kids mooch about while we do gardening. School is exhausting for them so they have a rest.

@Tralalalalatata your post has certainly given me hope. To the extent that I’m going to copy it and keep it in my notes so that I can re-read it when I’m feeling particularly despondent. Thank you Thank You Thank You💐

I’m in a very similar position to @loopylocks. I hear you wrt how exhausting it is: having to be enthusiastic about traipsing round shops etc

I disagree entirely with the pp who suggested your DD might be unpleasant to others because she’s unpleasant to you. It’s a well-known fact that they hold it in and are on their best behaviour for others but when they feel safe they can let rip. My DD does have some neurodivergence but she is an absolute pushover. She’s too nice.

I think if you just keep doing what you’re doing but slowly, over time (not a revolving door of different activities) try different things, eventually something will stick.
My suggestion would be rowing. There isn’t the same pressure as for other team sports but it gets them outside and definitely attracts the quirkier kids. Do you live within driving distance of a river? A rowing club?

How about looking for a gym that does teen classes? Doing an activity alongside other people rather than needing to directly interact might work for her.

Or a local wildlife group?
Gaming group?
Activities in the local library?
volunteering with a local Rainbows group?

It sounds as if she’s going to have to be very much encouraged to try something outside of her comfort zone to start making a change.

good luck, it sounds tough.

Oh it’s tough isn’t it.

Clubs really do help. My DD has been struggling with friends recently (also vile to me as a result!). and it’s been made far worse by the fact her sport isn’t active this term. That used to get her out and seeing others her age for half of Sunday.

Why is she so anti joining clubs? Does she realise that lots of the teens who join clubs are in the same position as her, that might make it less intimidating? Guides (Rangers for her age) could be good if she’s not sporty or into drama. From what I’ve seen it tends to be very accepting and full of slightly quirkier girls.

Are there any clubs at school she could join to meet others in her year? Does the school mix up the classes at any point so she’ll
meet new people? She just needs one good friend to meet up with, tell her to look out for someone else who seems on the edge of things?

What struck me as more unusual than her not having close friends is that she seems so reliant on you to entertain her. I'm not saying that it should be an overnight change, but over time I think you should start encouraging her to do more of these things alone - if she likes mooching around the shops and you hate it, why can't she shop alone? You should be able to go out for the day and she occupies herself - but it doesn't sound like that's possible?

Even if she did have friends, she wouldn't be hanging out with them all weekend every weekend. Ultimately, the most important thing is that she gets more comfortable in her own company. While it's not the point of it, someone who is content in their own company is usually also more appealing company for others, too, and so finds it easier to make friends.