How can I support my struggling 17-year-old without becoming her punching bag?

[Toblerowner]

I am struggling to help DD 17 and need some advice.

She is diagnosed ADHD and Dyspraxia and is possibly AUDHD.

She is desperately sensitive and it has got to be point where she’s has decided that she disgusting and ugly because no one in her life has made her feel special.

Over the years we have made very few comments around what she wears, just a couple of comments around dressing appropriately for dinners/events etc but this has now been blown up into how we have made her feel disgusting.

A ‘friend’ made an unkind comment around how a certain guy would only date very pretty girls. Of course this all would really hurt and I can understand this , but she is absolutely consumed with how everyone thinks she’s disgusting and she is very very angry, particularly at me.

She’s a good kid, but trying and clearly unhappy. We try very hard to praise the good and I have arranged for her to get different supports for ADHD and Dyspraxia over the years.

One one hand I want to know how to support her, but on the other hand I’ve become a kind of punching bag for her self loathing and we genuinely support her with time, love and resources. How do parents deal with this ?

The other challenge I am having is that when I try and offer help or try and get her to help herself , it’s thrown back in my face

@Toblerownercan I recommend reposting in the SN Teenagers Section?

You might get some replies in there

What is she wearing that’s in appropriate?
do you mean like joggers and gym wear for dinner events or micro “club wear”?
she has to be made aware that it is NEVER acceptable for others to be her verbal or physical punchbags

Yes, think going to dinner in a nice restaurant in an old bally cardigan and a tracksuit .

It was only one or two occasions when I pulled her up. There were others when she just wasn’t appropriately dressed and I left it. We are not a formal family, pretty chill. It’s really just occasions , particularly nice restaurants etc.
She turned up at an aunts birthday in a tracksuit and then felt awful because all her cousins were dressed up so I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Thank you - i will do that

Oh God not another one of these. She’s 17, she has no right to use anyone, let alone her own mother, as a ‘punch bag’. The more handholding you do here the more she will take out her frustration on you because she sees you not as a person but a support robot. Yes the comment the friend made was unkind but we all heard this stuff at school without being vile to our parents about it. It’s part of growing up. Take a step back. Don’t end up with a forever child like many on here.

Difficult isn’t it? If she has ADHD she’s likely to be functioning at the level of a 13 or 14 year old. Add in that she’s very likely to have RSD and you can see why she may be getting out of shape.

If she does have ASD as you suspect, she probably won’t realise that there is a dress code for certain events and wants the comfort of her tracksuit in situations that are a little out of her comfort zone.

We try and deal with this with something like, “it’s absolutely fine to wear that but as it’s DA’s birthday party everyone else will be a bit more dressed up. Will you be ok with being the only one who isn’t?”

Usually I would get screamed at but it does highlight that what they’re wearing will be a bit out of sync with everyone else but confirms that they are ok to dress how they like.

I have a (now adult) child with AuDHD.

it’s hard. She was quite emotionally volatile during her teen years.

in all honesty, the best advice is to detach.

look at your priorities - is she in school or education and does she have a plan for the future?

if so, then the rest to some extent is minor and while I appreciate she is going to get angry and upset along the way give her the time and space to process herself.

she isn’t the only teenage girl who struggles with not feeling special and not wanted because of comments her friendship group make (and in all honesty if she has a friendship group that’s a plus!)

I am told time and again that CBT 'doesn't work' for autistic people, and autistic DS claims it was no use at all. Except... both his older brother who trained in psychology and me both noticed massive improvements in his understanding and resilience when he did it.

I recommend finding a good workbook or online programme that explains different types of distorted thinking and expect it to take a long time for her to learn to recognise it. But worth the effort. I honestly spent about three years when DS was that age thinking of little else but how to help him. It was one of the worst periods of my life. So stressful. But it worked. He stopped hating himself, stopped thinking the world was against him, learned how to take a more flexible approach to situations, goals, learned how to pick himself up after disappointments. You have to make sure she tells you what she thinks the CBT messages are as 9 times out of 10 DS was completely misinterpreting them. It's bloody exhausting but worthwhile.

DBT might also help.

Can you get her to join a gym? She might start feeling better about herself and her body

Thank you. Did your DS also see a therapist. ?

I have to say this is wearing me down

She does a sport and is already extremely thin so I don’t really want to introduce any body focused environments - i feel it could backfire

Do you know about rejection sensitivity dysphoria OP?

Basically, as part of ADHD, small comments can FEEL like the end of the world to someone with ADHD.

So to neurotypical people, it looks like being dramatic or being OTT, but actually it’s part of the condition and the person can’t really help it. Add in teen angst and hormones and you have a difficult mix!!

No advice- you know your daughter best but if you didn’t know about RSD give it a google. Might make you feel better to see it as part of ADHD and not something she is choosing.

I find that my daughter absolutely does understand dress codes but will provoke a fight with me just as a way to deal with her anxiety.

I used to walk into these traps all the time, thinking I was genuinely giving her the good advice she wanted.

With her it's more "is this outfit appropriate for the weather" or "does this go with that". I have now told her that I will always simply say yes!!

It's never about the clothes, it's always about how she is feeling. Everything gets bottled up inside and she can't release any of it safely - getting into a row with me gets the feelings out.

She never does it with her dad BTW. Only me and also her sister in a slightly different way.

The only advice I have is to work on the underlying anxiety, not get dragged into the row she wants, and helping her find better outlets for her feelings

Yes it’s very much tied in with the emotional regulation.

DD will find anything to start a fight and it used to wear me down until I realised the fight had nothing to do with me but it was a way for her to deal with her own feelings - anxiety being a big one. Now I don’t take them personally and we work on how she can get through the feeling in a less negative way. Now shes older she is more self aware as well.

she only does it with me - I’m her safety valve

Have you considered an ADHD coach? DD saw one for a few months and they focussed on a few points that were bothering us all (getting to school on time being the big one!). It really helped DD take ownership of the issues. Didn’t fix them entirely but she definitely has a better toolbox and is becoming more independent