Teenager and husband rows ruining my life

[mrspippa]

My teen is 15. She is stubborn, hard work, pushes every boundary, argues every request, attitude is awful. Her dad, my DH clashes with her so much. The rows are awful and escalate into a power struggle. I end up in the middle of, trying to peace keep. I can’t cope with it anymore. I’m being pulled and pecked by both of them from both sides. I try to withdraw and leave them to it but if I do it just never ends.
I want to leave and never come back!!

Without knowing exactly what he is doing/saying, I would not say you should always agree with your child rather than your husband. You need a united front, so need to agree how to deal with issues together.

You’ve described my sister and my dad
you’ll be coming across as good cop bad cop so she will be pushing even harder against DH
you need to step in and take over from DH by your own admission you recognise her behaviour isn’t acceptable
my sister used to push and push at my dad
the strange thing is she was his golden child he treat her like a princess they absolutely worship each other just had a few rough years 100% my sisters fault
I think your DH is getting a hard time on her my sister was horrendous with my dad

If anything we give 15 yr old more leyway because I know it will end in a fight

That's your problem. She knows that if she kicks off long enough or loud enough you will back down, just like a toddler knows when their parent is a pushover. Teenagers and toddlers both have tantrums, and both need dealing with firmly from the beginning to stop any escalation.

You need to step up and be an active parent and set boundaries regarding attitude and household chores, set out reasonable consequences if she doesn't abide by them. And stick to it!! You've left DH to parent by himself and that is not fair.

Have you considered family therapy? It will help you all see that this is a systemic issue rather than the problem being located in one particular person. I'd also recommend NVR as PP above. But importantly, DH needs to acknowledge his role in all of this and take responsibility for helping to make it better.

Have you said to him, ‘what we’re currently doing isn’t working. We’re the adults, we’re the ones who have to change to find a better way to handle it. Let’s go on some courses/read some books/watch some videos to see if we can do things differently.’

The thing is, he needs to know you recognise that he’s right, her behaviour isn’t ok. Until you say that really clearly, and say that that’s the problem you are aiming to fix, he’ll feel you are just undermining him.

He's right about the problem, but ‘we’ need to try new ways to tackle it.

Also, point out how good it is that she’s feisty, and that it will help her keep herself safe in a world where she’ll be constantly targeted by men trying to take advantage of her in one way or another. And remind him it’s the men who are the problem, not the clothes.

Thanks guys for all your replies. Very mixed bag of opinions.

what I have said to him is that I agree with 90% of what he says I just don’t agree with the poor way he articulates it.
I also agree that I haven’t been great in supporting him which isn’t good for our relationship. But also he hasn’t been good at listening to my reasoning or suggestions.
we have spoke away from the children and think this is the best way to manage things.
I will try look at parenting courses .