Violent DD14 feeling stuck

[Indespairmum]

I’ve previously posted about difficulties with my teen daughter, she’s now 14. We are in the process of private asd and adhd assessments as the CAMHS pathway is so long, she’s also waiting for DBT with them that could be 12 months.
My current is her attacking me. This has been about 8 times now with some police involvement each time. Last month they did a Community resolution order. Following the most vicious attack Sunday it will likely go to Youth Offending. I have been trying to pursue help for 2 years, instigating Early help and after last month involving children services.
I feel so in despair at the moment processing the most recent attack but also now school suggesting she goes into respite care for a short period to give me a break. I feel I have tried everything and feel so much grief, hurt and stuck at what more I can do.
Please any suggestions would be appreciated as my heart is breaking

As much as you might love her, you need to be safe at home. She can’t live with you while she is behaving this way. It isn’t safe. If this was a man repeatedly thumping you, you wouldn’t put up with it. A 14 year old is probably a big and strong as you.

She needs medicating and to be in specialist respite. Otherwise it will be that or jail. I know that is very scarce but if offered, take it.

It sounds awful for you OP. I think you need to accept the respite. You don’t sound like you’re safe in your own home.

SW just said that it won’t be respite unless I sign a Section 20 and sign her into care and that she’s at risk of going into care now anyway due to the risk she’s presenting. I feel I’ve chased these services to be involved to get the support for her and now I’m being penalised. I’m absolutely devastated

If the only two options on the table are her going into care, or her continuing to assault you then it has to be care. Maybe then they ll be more proactive in getting her the diagnoses and support she needs. Im very sorry its come to this but it would be very bad for both of you if she hurts you worse than she already has.

I had this with my two (adopted) daughters. Police were called every time. Both were in court numerous times. Oldest went to a YOI for assaulting me when she was about 18, youngest went back into care when she was 15 because I couldn’t keep her - or myself - safe.
Now we are a few years down the line and I have a good relationship with both. In fact oldest lives with me although I said she’d never be allowed through the door again and I have just got back from a long weekend away with youngest.
i don’t regret being tough. But it’s bloody hard.

You can’t support your daughter if you can’t be supported to keep yourself safe.

This isn’t about anything you have done/could have done. It’s a reflection of the difficulties faced by families being able to access early intervention services to prevent crisis situations such as this.

Something has to change and that can’t be an ongoing escalation that may result in even worse outcomes for you both.

Her going into care hopefully gives the opportunity for services to prioritise her needs and get appropriate support and help for you both.

I’m sorry you are in this situation and feeling so desperate, but you need to come to terms with the situation as stands not being safe or sustainable ❤️

Its now been placed at section 47 don’t really know what this is going to entail but hopefully more support is put in place 🙏 still not heard anything more from the police but she’s still not home. Despite what she’s done I miss her so much 😭

You're not being penalised. You've been trying to cope with a lot and you can't help her if you're not safe.
S.20 is you voluntarily placing your child with the local authority. S.47 means the threshold has been reached for a higher level of intervention. They may still ask you to sign her over under s.20 but with s.47 they can also consider applying for a court order; this takes matters out of your hands. She could be placed with other family members (kinship care), with foster carers, or in a residential placement. This is always done with a view to returning home. It's rubbish that things have got to this stage but if she is in some form of placement then that in itself should speed up any CAMHS involvement as children in care often get priority.
Is it possible that this could shock her so much that she now actively wants to change or is her behaviour genuinely out of her control? Just asking because I've seen both. If she isn't at home for a while then you'll be in a much better place to fight for what she needs. 🌸

You need to push camhs for meds OP
some of us went down the private route the minute we saw aggression etc

i ll assume here it’s a neurological issue and she can’t help it , call it ASD, adhd etc she just cannot help it, its how her brain works

rights meds will sort this straight away
sending love x

school have said staying with family with make the situation worse.
Some aspects of her behaviour are in her control when she escalates it’s like she goes into a trance. I have questioned with professionals that it seems more than ASD/adhd. We are going down the private route as CAMHS haven’t been helpful for 2 years. She struggles with all people, struggles with friendships always having fall outs and is incredibly lonely- but all this gets blamed on me.
Doctors wrote to CAMHS about antidepressants but I’ve not heard anything back.
I’ve had to fight for Early Help, CAMHS any support for 2 years and now going going through private assessments. It feels like now I’m being questioned as a parent! I’ve worked with children for 16 years and pretty educated around this but yet nothing I can seems right.

All the escalations have been connected to her phone being taken as a consequence to behaviour, which the SW said that’s what they would recommend to families to do!

@Indespairmum A S47 enquiry is a Child Protection investigation , are you aware of this? I think accommodating her under a S20 agreement may be the best option for you. Are there other children involved or in your house ? I’ve seen children of professional parents needing to be accommodated due to their risk and safety within their home.

We were foster carers and our speciality was taking teens like your daughter. I can think of several we looked after who came from lovely families, and in fact I’m still in touch with one of the mums now. It was really helpful for the kids to come and have a few months with us. Gave them some breathing space. We worked with the professionals and the parents and the relationship we had with the kids was in the main good.

I am considering a S20 as she is currently staying with my estranged family who are fuelling things worse and saying she’s not allowed contact with me . Acting to the SW they are trying to get her home but refusing contact with me or to tell me where she even is. All professionals want her home as they want us to work on our relationship but she just walks off from anyone who tells her this. She hasn’t even been held accountable for attacking. How can they force her to abide to a S20?

I’m thinking of a teen who I fostered who had tried staying with various family members before coming to live with us. What worked in that situation was that we were totally impartial. We took no sides within the family dynamic, nor had or held any opinion on what had gone before. It was a fresh start for all. There were regular meetings and the teen went out with their mum one evening a week for dinner, then went home for weekends and eventually after six months returned to the family. The key to the fostering working with us was that we were totally unemotional with this child. It really took the pressure off.

Thank you for all your responses. The social worker has said it’s unlikely she’d get placed with a family so would be in residential. Looking at an S20 it also seems it has to be voluntary on her part too and I think she’d be unlikely to cooperate.

I’m not sure about the voluntary part but dd initially went to a children’s home with a few teenagers in it which was about three miles from home and didn’t really work out as she just kept running away from there too. She did return home for a few weeks due to bullying by another girl before having to return due to her behaviour.
She then got moved to a home in a very rural area where she was the only resident for a few months before being joined by another girl. The staff there were brilliant with her and there was no point in running away as there was nowhere to run to. She has very fond memories of there and still keeps in contact with the staff.