Advice for my autistic son managing a youth group crush

[WhatNowMatey]

My 16 yo son has asked me to start a thread asking for advice for him.

He likes a girl at his 2x a week youth group. He doesn't know her very well but talks to her a bit most weeks. She's a year younger than him. There is another boy who he believes likes her as well. There is bad feeling between them from some past history (not girl-related) and the other boy appears to be acting in a competitive manner towards my son. Nothing aggressive, but each seems to be trying to out-compete the other for the girl's attention. My son is stressed by what feels like endless conflict with him.

There is also a second boy who my son thinks might like the girl. This boy is quite feminine and spends all his time hanging out with the girls in the capacity of group clown and drama queen. He is often putting himself into the girls' personal space, leaning on them or pushing his chair right up to them, poking them and giggling with them. The girls seem to enjoy this. He gets up close and personal in a way that most boys would only do with their girlfriend, but he behaves like this with several different girls throughout a single youth group session. He only speaks to one or two boys, and that not often.

When he was younger, he was obsessed by wearing dresses and all his favourite toys / TV characters were very girly girls eg Disney princesses. His hobbies are acting and dance and he struggles a lot with anxiety. He looks thin and weedy and not especially good-looking or heart-throb like.

I take the interactions between him and the girls as suggesting that he might be gay (whether he realises it or not) and that the girls find him fun and unthreatening but are not mega interested in him as a longer-term boyfriend. I do know that he has had at least one girlfriend before. He has recently been spending a lot more time with the girl that my son likes.

My son is wanting tips to help him cope with this situation. He is getting very depressed about it because (a) he struggles with the ongoing sense of conflict with the first boy and (b) he is worried that the girl spends quite a lot of time with the second boy.

My son is autistic, lacks social confidence and has never had a girlfriend before. This is all high-octane emotional territory for him, so he often comes home from youth group feeling absolutely desperate about what seems to him to be an unbearable situation.

What would you advise him to do in this type of situation?

I don’t have lots of good advice as my child is little.

i think it will really help your DS to focus on what he can control. He can’t make anyone want to be with him but he can decide he will see Youth Group as a place he goes to enjoy himself and focus on having as much of a good time as he can. Anything else will only tie him in knots. If it’s making him depressed, he might want to consider a short break from it.

I think it might be useful for your son to understand how his Autism plays into how the situation is making him feel. Having a Google of Autism Obsessive thinking and Autism Rejection Sensitivity Dsymorphia will give him some good strategies. He sounds very wrapped up in this and needs to find ways to put it into perspective and distract himself. You can help him by not making a big deal out of it all and not getting too involved.

, I know it doesn’t help with how he feels now, but life won’t always be like this, especially if he comes to understand himself better. Teenagers are brutal but his world will continue to expand as he gets older and he’ll meet more people who are ‘his tribe’. My autistic stepdad didn’t have a girlfriend until he met my mum at 27; they’ve been married 44 years so it can happen for him.

Lastly, well done to your DS for getting out there and making an effort

Bump

I think all this speculation about other kids sexualities or lives isn't really helpful.

If I were you I'd take a bit of a step back. Teen relationships need to be navigated without much parental input. But still do have a chat.

You can be supportive and maybe say things like Obviously if he likes the girl then try and be nice to her. Speak to her, be interested in what she says. And ask her out?

If she doesn't fancy it and would rather be friends then that's still nice and having female friends often can help young lads get a girlfriend as there are more girls around. And you know how to treat them as equals and are comfortable in their presence.

I think try and swerve things away from this competition he feels with the other boys. The idea that women are possessions to be competed for isn't very healthy.

You do nothing. Going into detail about other youths is inappropriate.
you tell him it’s normal to have a crush. The girl is allowed to make her own decision as to whether she wants to be in a relationship with any or none of them. I would tell him to just keep being friendly with no pressure.

Hi Op I have a 12 year old who is autistic and have dealt with some painful friendship situations over the years - including things that may seem illogical from the outside.

I really understand how hard it is - especiallly if your child talks openly to you - but you really need to keep a calm and (very normal) distance from what is happening.

I recently took a deep breath myself and accepted that I can't control or interfere in my childs friendships now she is 12 - however painful that is. I nearly messaged another parent recently to interfere as I was anxious on my childs behalf ! But thankfully I came to my senses!

I'm concerned reading your post that you are trying to understand and analyse the bheaviour of a group of young teenagers at a youth club! This way madness lies op!

please tell your son you absolutely are not prepared to try and understand the bheaviour of kids you don't know - and repeatedly talk to him about not making assumptions or overthinking others behaviour.

Tell him crushes are normal, tell him that there are polite ways to tell a girl you like them but that it's also 'normal ' social behaviour to try and only say that if there seems to be interest back - that is what saves the friendship from being spoilt.

Ultimately your son is going to have to work this stuff out - its great he goes to a youth club, I would leave him to deal with it while offering some gentle listening.

one thought is you could speak to the youth worker and say your son could do with a listening ear.

@waterrat Thanks. I actually try to stay out of it as much as possible, but he wants to spend hours every day talking to me about it, and feels the need to ask for advice from everyone he can (hence this post). 🙂

It can be tricky - all I can say is that where I have attempted to make things better (which was very occasionally), at least half the time you end up unwittingly putting your foot in it for something as-yet-unseen down the line.

I can say that with the second boy, this has been the situation with a group of about 5 girls at 15 (one my DD), and although there are rarely any serious arguments, there have been lots of times when the girls find the group clown/drama queen vibes very annoying and in their faces as well as fun. So it's not always how it appears from a bit further off. DD and colleagues have also sometimes had to have quiet words with some of their leaders if things of this kind go further than they are comfortable with.

Remind him of his nice qualities and his tenacity in puzzling out confusing and sometimes disheartening situations (even if he doesn't feel confident in them). Say it would be good when he notices he's comfortable or in the flow of what's going on at the club, even if this is not all the time - it's something that people underestimate as social 'practice' for more meaningful times.

If he really likes this girl he needs to stop thinking about these boys so much. What they’re doing doesn’t matter, she’s not a princess in a fairy tale where one of them will “win” her. What matters is him building up a genuine friendship with her and making an effort with her. Is he doing that? Or leaving the whole thing alone - either is good.

Obsessing over past drama with boy 1 or the sexuality of boy 2 is pointless. It’s a common mistake of teenage boys to think that the way to get a girlfriend is just to be near a girl and hope no one else gets together with her. Sounds like it’s easier for him to think about this male rivalry shit (and we don’t even know if they like her) than to make a genuine human effort with her.

Does he have other female friends?

The other thing I wanted to add was that my autistic relative went through a phase of fancying the girl everyone else fancied at school. I do wonder to what extent he just thought it was the thing to do, rather than genuinely liking her. If I’d been in a position too I’d have chatted to him about how fancying someone works and that relationships are about more than thinking they’re pretty, but about having things in common and feeling a bond too. Obvious to others but not to him for a long time.

The one who ends up dating the girl will be the first one to actually ask her out to a meeting outside the youth club (going into town for bubble tea/ice-cream, cinema etc) who she agrees to go with and has a nice time with whilst there.

Do they have any kind of personal chat thread going with just the two of them? If he doesn't want to risk being publicly rejected/can't get her alone to ask at youth group then he needs to find a reason to get her number/start a messaging conversation (maybe sharing some content on something she likes?) and then be funny and interesting, interested in her life/supportive, but not overly intense or at all sexual on that, and eventually suggest meeting up.

I'd tell him that it's not fair on the girl to have three boys all after her and that it's not worth the drama.

Exactly this. He can only control his own actions here, so speculating about the two other guys' motivations or sexuality is irrelevant and unhelpful. He doesn't get to clear the scene and keep the girl he likes away from his 'rivals'. If he wants to go out with this girl, he should focus on building an actual relationship with her as a fellow human being at the same youth club, and ask her out at some point if the liking seems to be mutual. If that's not something he can do, or wants to do, then he needs to disengage. He should definitely work on making female friends.

But we have no idea what any of them being 'after her' might look One seems to just hang out with the female members of the group a lot. The OP's son's perception is that he and the other boy are 'competing' for the girl's attention, but for all we know, as the Op says her son is completely inexperienced in these things, has little social confidence and has never had a girlfriend, that might be a matter of saying hello first, rather than beating on another up in the carpark.

What strikes me about your post is that your son is apparently spending far more time thinking about the wants/needs of these other boys than the wants/needs of the girl concerned.

It doesn’t matter if 100 boys fancied her, it doesn’t matter if your DS was the only boy in the youth group.

It only matters what the girl wants.

At 15 she may not want a boyfriend.
Or she may not fancy your son (regardless of whether or not he has competition for her affections)

If he likes the girl, he should continue to get to know her, and if appropriate ask her out.

If she says no, he should gracefully accept that boundary.

Exactly. It's a total willy-waving scenario in his head.

Your son is asking for advice from you and from MN and I want to hold out a supportive hand to you both although I have no specialist training or knowledge, just my own lived experience.

It sounds as if he is really suffering and desperate for a way to navigate this situation.

I have a 12yo DS with similar diagnosis who I could easily imagine in the situation you describe in a few year's time. Our children don't have the social instincts of NT peers and won't be able to figure it out as easily and anyway these years are difficult for NT kids.

I've seen a couple of specialist support services - qualified psychologists, counsellors etc - who offer 'Neuro-counselling' or other support and training to help ND teenagers figure things out. Here's an example description from the website of one I might use in future.

"Neuro-counselling offers a safe and confidential space for you to explore your experiences and the unique challenges that come with neurodiversity. Everyone's journey is different, and the sessions will be tailored to your needs, supporting you to discover your innate strengths and wisdom.

This is a neuro-affirmative approach to counselling, guided by an informed awareness and understanding of neuro-difference. "

There are also a lot of useful books published by Jessica Kingsley ** that your son might find worthwhile.

I've also come across some youtubers like Jessica McCabe * from How to ADHD who post helpful videos from a ND perspective.

This is difficult and painful. Your son might want to consider looking at two aspects separately, understanding his own possible tendencies for hyperfocus, anxiety and so on and how to manage his feelings as well as possible. Then the side of trying to get insight and acceptance of the often incomprehensible ways of other people!

** this is a link to Jessica Kingsley publishers Autistic Teens list. https://uk.jkp.com/collections/autistic-teens-1?srsltid=AfmBOooL7HPAmhfSmZAtzssYBp39_DB0NIHH2CnsMIN0KlvBIQZD1HUW

* A Jessica McCabe video about ADHD and relationships https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XbyN8REIhMk

I hope there was something helpful here. It's good to know hiw well you are communicating and gives me hope for supporting my son in the coming teenage years.

All the best to you both.