Any practical advice for dealing with angry, depressed 19 y/o?

[teenagerdespair]

My son is 19. He has diagnosed ODD and ADHD, and has also struggled with anxiety for a number of years. There’s loads of history but to name a couple of things, he’s had huge issues with gambling, he’s mentioned suicide a lot, he’s tried a few types of counselling over the years and refuses to try anymore as none have been successful.

He bottles things up but can fly off the handle at minor things. Example tonight was he was getting angry at a phone game he was playing and has thrown his phone four times across his bedroom.

When he was younger I could put consequences in place. Removal of phone, refusing lifts, cutting off money. Now I don’t really have any tools at my disposal as he works and has his own money, other than asking him to leave the house, which (1) I don’t actually want, (2) he wouldn’t be able to private rent as he’s self employed with no credit history, and (3) I don’t know how I would force him to go anyway!!

I’m finding home really hard as feeling constantly on edge waiting for his next meltdown or angry outburst.

Any practical tips please? Every so often I see a glimpse of my lovely, very vulnerable boy, but most of the time he is withdrawn and sullen. It’s making home life very very difficult.

Speaking as someone with ASD in their family op, I would say that there isn’t a lot you can do on top of what you are doing now. Don’t underestimate the value and importance of you being there alongside him as he struggles,

But I sympathise hugely with what you are going through.

Him frequently mentioning suicide must be agony for you and a constant worry. This is going to sound brutal but all you can do, if he is refusing treatment, is encourage him to take an AD which may help and say that you are willing to talk to him at any time that he feels low and you might like to look at the Young Minds resource and advice pages.

Beyond that, callous though it sounds, it doesn’t help you or him if you get bogged down with mh problems too. In fact I would say that the best thing that you can do for your son is to boost yourself up as much as possible and show him that independent adulthood can be fulfilling and may he even fun at times.

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be negative or sound frivolous. Our adult dc with SEN do need longer to develop in some areas to get to the same level as their peers. And they need our support. It takes time.

It’s awful to be walking on eggshells and of course you need to keep yourself safe should any aggression start being directed at you op, but generally I think it helps to prepare yourself for a good three to five year period before your son becomes more mature. I guarantee that things won’t be the same in five years. He hasn’t stopped developing and learning; he is doing it more slowly than others.

So set your firm boundaries, choose a good moment to explain them and explain your perspective to your ds, and then focus on your own life as much as possible and let him get on with his, while supporting in the background. If he throws his phone on the floor then you didn’t hear it and he has to suffer the natural consequences.

Get some support for yourself from a therapist, family or friends. Start some new hobbies and interests. Invite your family and friends over to your house. Don’t get locked in to a long negative battle between the two of you. Absent yourself for evenings out etc,

Within reason, and of course it might be different if he is very distressed one night for example, but very generally speaking, don’t let his mh hold you at ransome as this generally doesn’t improve matters.

Sending strength op 💐