Help with my y8 girl- socially awkward

[cheekynamechang3]

My eldest is in y8 at an all girls comp. It's a lovely school and the teachers seem supportive.

She's very bright but seems to struggle socially with most people. I think she misses social cues, and has told me that she has picked up on people not wanting to talk to her and she's not sure why.

She has 2 friends in her form, and friends scattered in other forms... but she often finds herself alone or in groups with girls who ignore her or take the piss out of her.

She has hobbies, such as drawing, animating, going to scouts, playing musical instruments. She goes to after school clubs but only will go if a friend is with her, she won't just go on her own. She did at first, she went to lots of clubs to try them out but found herself on her own feeling awkward.

I was hoping things would get better as she gets older and mixes more/meets other girls... but this morning she was in tears. She's tired and not been sleeping this week. She told me she hates school.

I'm not sure what to do? should I contact the school for pastoral support? I listen and I try to be there for her, but I was isolated a lot at school myself and was miserable until I was in yr10. I feel PTSD almost and think I'm not the best person to advise as I failed in this area too. The only thing I can do is listen and empathise.

She will absolutely find her people, but it takes longer for some, as you know.

Sounds like she has a good range of interests already. Could you perhaps encourage her to meet some of the people from these groups outside of the organised hobby times?

Does she have siblings or cousins that she could spend time with to help build her confidence?

Would she be open to learning to enjoy her solitude a little more too? There's nothing wrong with spending time alone.

Ask her how she'd like you to support her. I probably wouldn't approach the school unless she was happy for me to do so.

You're not doing anything wrong - sounds like you're doing great. Just keep making sure she's well supported at home and she will find her place in the world. x

To be honest she sounds quite well rounded, with hobbies and clubs. And she's got a couple of friends. So I wonder if it's more about how she feels. Can you work on her feeling that it's ok to sometimes be on her own, or not the centre of a group. How about giving her something she can do when she's on her own, like a book to read, a journal, mindful colouring, sudoku, cross word, something that's a physical prop might be useful.

she's one of 3 and has good relationships with them both.

she does meet her friends out of school sometimes but not as much as she did at primary... they're a bit further away but perhaps we could do more...

I will speak to her after sch tmw to see how she feels.

thanks so much for your advice and support.

Yes, I think you're right... she already does a lot of art- drawing and colouring...
but there must be ways I can help her to feel OK being alone...
thanks so much for your support

Firstly, I think it's important to note that she does have some friends and that's a really good thing. Clearly, she would like to have more friends, and to feel more at ease with casual interactions - that may well come with time; some people are more naturally socially adept and others have to learn it. Anyway we don't all end up being brilliant socialisers, there is room for a range.
It's a very tricky age and there is a lot of 'social sorting' and forming new groups or dropping friends that don't fit, creation of in and out groups and all of that.
No suggestions really. Just to express solidarity. School can be a difficult social environment and it's hard to see your child unhappy.

🤩

Thank you :)

I have 3 children snd you're right about some being better than this than others.

One of my daughters was a great socialiser even as a baby as she would smile a great beaming smile at everyone... and now she has so many friends. My eldest smiled for family as a baby but didn't really smile for strangers and was so serious as a toddler too.

I'm an awkward one myself and didn't realise until I had my youngest how innate being sociable is for some.

Hi @cheekynamechang3 sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling with friendships just now. Just wanted to offer some solidarity as I could have practically written your post word for word! My DD is going through something similar and it is so tough knowing how best to advise. Like you, it is bringing back horrible memories of feeling isolated at school and on the periphery of things. So upsetting imagining your own child going through it too.
Have you tried role playing some conversation starters to help her speak to potential new friends? The “Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens is also quite good (although my daughter hates anyone referring to her as shy!).
One thing I would say, and your DD may be the same, is that she is so loyal, kind and inclusive to her friends. I’ve noticed this is really quite rare amongst her peers who seem to enjoy leaving people out leading to very volatile friendships. Holding out hope that as they all mature this might be less of a problem.
Hope things improve for your daughter very soon