When they go to uni...

[Cheeseandolivesplease]

My son started uni last September and I miss him so much.
The longest I've seen him since he's left is for about three hours...and then he's gone again.
He is only about an hour away and has a car so will pop round for a brief cup of tea after coming home for the weekend (he stays with his dad - we're divorced).
He just feels like a stranger 😢
Am I alone in feeling like this?
Please be kind ❤️

Normal to feel as you're feeling. And it gets better over time.

@GoodkneeBadKnee Thank you ❤️

Sorry but this seems like a post that should have been posted in October last year? Rather than after a whole academic year? I hope you will have an opportunity to reconnect over the summer holidays ( which seem to start in May 😂) It’s tough but they need to fly!

@Reallynotthatbothered I think I've tried to just "get on with it" and he's not lived with me full-time since he was 6, so I thought it wouldn't feel so hugely different I guess.
I definitely hope to see a little more of him in the summer holidays; perhaps even an overnight or two.

Yes normal to feel this way and I am not sure I agree it gets better over time. Its more your life changes and you get used to the new normal. The quiet house the tidy house. And there is beauty in that too. When they come back it becomes so beautiful and lovely. And the pride you feel in these adults as they shape their life is unlike anything .. the sensation when their laughter fills the room is somehow even more joyfull.

I cant lie and say I dont miss them close as I do. But I also adore watching them in their lives and seeing them be adults and finding their way.

And while someday I would give anything to turn back time for juat one day and have all of mine together in the house.

I also dont want to miss experiencing these amazing wonderful adult humans we helped create and shape. Its utterly wonderful in so many different ways that you also dont want to pause that.

And yes I am a little sentimental today. Ds called to let us know he has sent off his masters report for review for publishing and in many ways life is amazing...

My house is neither quiet nor tidy...I also have a 6 yo daughter!! 😆
Aw thank you for your lovely words; I guess at times I do take it personally as in...is this normal? Why don't I speak to or see my son for ages?! I think of him often, of course.
Huge congrats to your son - you must be so proud!

My eldest is not great at staying in touch and I miss hom terribly. My friends dd at uni talk every day. When ds is home he is fully lovely. Invites me out with his girlfriend. He even held my hand while making me a cup of tea! But when I'm not right of him, I cease to exist. We chat about it. I have told him I only want one brief text a week. He hears and says he is just crap at this. At least it's said.

So on that basis, talk. Say you like to spend some time together.

You see quite a few posts like this in October.

But I'm surprised he's not been home at all over Christmas or Easter.

@JustGiveMeReason I've seen him a little over Easter, a little more over at Christmas. He did pop home for part of the day on his brother and sister's birthdays (both weekend celebrations).
But his Dad has the much, much bigger house so he bases himself there.
I just miss any quality time I guess.

If he is only an hour away, perhaps you could drive there and take him out for dinner occasionally? I never saw my son during term time because he was 5 hours away but I know some other parents sometimes did.
My son is good at FaceTiming, so I still felt quite connected. Perhaps you could suggest to him that you spend more time together during the holidays?

Have you ever been to his university and seen where he lives and studies? If not, could you ask if you can visit and him show you around (or you could offer to help him move all his stuff out at the end of the academic year, he'll prob have more than a carful)?

@Jo7890123 Yes I went once - about a month after he went and got a brief tour of the campus and we took him out to lunch.
I have offered on several occasions to help him move his stuff (he has to be out for uni holidays and then back in) but his dad has a work van so I am not needed.

This seems to be not about him being away at University, but about the fact you are divorced and him choosing to spend most of his free time at his Dad's.

Though I agree with other posters. As he is only an hour away, arrange to take him out for lunch or dinner where he is at University now and then. No student turns down free meals out.

@JustGiveMeReason Well I do understand that, as his dad's house is far bigger and the swimming pool and hot tub I'm sure are a bonus. We don't have either in our rental, but he does have his own bedroom (converted study).
I have suggested we do lunch as he is due back soon and I'd love to have some quality catch-up time. He's a great lad ❤️

I don't think this is normal, to be honest. My ds went to uni this year. I'm divorced and he lives with me mainly and he has certainly spent a lot longer than 30 minutes with his dad. In fact he reverts to the pattern we have in place (one weeknight + eow) when he's home for the holidays - I don't imagine that will last forever and is probably helped by the fact that his younger brother is still here and doing that, but I can't imagine him not bothering to see his dad at all - and he is actually very critical of his dad and moans about him a lot to me, but he is still his dad and I think absence has made the heart grow fonder to an extent.

I think you should be a lot more proactive and make more suggestions for things to do and specifically tell him you'd like to spend more time with him. How much time did he used to spend with you before he went?

@pinotnow It was EOW with me since he was about 15, and I do appreciate that his dad's house is far, far larger than ours which may have something to do with it? Ours is a private rental but we have converted the study so he does have his own space as I appreciate that's important

I messaged him last week as I knew he was back at the weekend, and invited him out for lunch. We had a pub lunch just me and him which was lovely, then he came back for a cup of tea before returning to his dad's.
I totally appreciate he has his own life now - I guess it's in the holidays that I'd like him to stop the odd overnight? Perhaps I'm expecting too much though?