How can I help my teenage brother take school more seriously

[SparklyPotato]

Hi everyone,

My situation is a little different but I have guardianship over my little brother at the moment and for the next 3 years. Our parents are just working overseas currently and since I am in my mid twenties, I'm able to care for him. My little brother (15 almost 16) is in year 10 right now and he will start senior high school next year. The grades for year 11 and 12 determine his university entrance. Now my brother has said he wants to go to university for a specific degree so it's not like he wants to do it just because everyone else is doing it.

But unfortunately, he's not studying hard enough in my opinion (his grades are reflecting his lack of effort). Growing up, he was a huge technology addict. I think it's because my parents struggled to understand how to care for two children with such a large age gap so the technology I got as tween, my toddler brother got. He really struggled with the habit, to the point he would get the shakes if we were away from home for more than an hour. My parents would try to handle it but it was just done poorly tbh.

Over the past year, it has lessened (to some degree). He studies for an hour or two when needed. But it's not enough. Even during meetings with his teachers, they tell me that my brother has potential but his effort towards his studies is almost non-existent. My brother is well-adjusted, he contributes a lot to group discussions and asks questions. But when he comes home, he goes onto his PC and games the entire afternoon and night away.

At first, I thought he would change his behaviour when he receives natural consequences of poor grades. He gets disappointed and tries to lock in but it only lasts for a day or two, and then he's back to his usual behaviour. I didn't want to be the controlling guardian because I believe that he won't do well if I force him to study. He's not a small kid anymore, he needs to be accountable for his own choices. The urge to do well should come from within. I have autism with a PDA profile, so I reacted very badly to being told what to do. Fortunately, I was insanely competitive and I loved learning so it worked out. So it's really hard for me to put myself in my brother's shoes since I can't fathom how he can be so hands-off with study.

Everyday feels like a battle for him to get off the computer and sit down and study while I do some work. I am willing to even tutor him as I know the content. He doesn't mind being tutored by me (he says he doesn't need an external tutor). I'm sick and tired of being insulted by his friends for trying to get him off the game. I've asked my parents to talk to him but honestly they just tell him to stop messing around. So I don't think that's efficient. Just to clarify I wasn't parentified at all (like I would even offer to babysit and my parents would be like absolutely not).

I'm not sure what to do. My brother thinks doing the bare minimum is going to get him through life. I'm just saying why bother, that university seat could've been given to someone who wanted it bad and would put in effort throughout. I see it in his test papers; for something that requires 2 paragraphs, he'll write 2 sentences without proper terminology or theory. I'm at a loss. I told him it's okay if he doesn't go to university but he got upset at me saying that and said that I was essentially calling him stupid (which I disagree a lot). The career that he wants to be in requires long hours and a sharp mind. He has one but I don't think he'll do well in the other if he doesn't get himself together now.

Name calling slips out I admit. I try to brush it off as sibling dynamics but I don't think that's good for this problem. Does anyone know what to do in this scenario? Is there any success stories? I don't expect him to be the best but I want him to learn how to learn and be able to have long term goals so it carries over to future choices.

I'm sorry if this is not the right way to ask, its long because I tried to add as much necessary content as needed. I was called an overglorified babysitter on reddit so I would like to clarify that I do have legal guardianship over him since he was 14. I do own the house we live in and I am fully financially able to to support us. My parents didn't abandon us and both me and my brother were happy with the arrangement and were involved with them moving.

He needs an external tutor to whom he would be accountable.

What sort of pastoral support is available through school?

He needs a lot of help with executive function. He very likely has a gaming addiction, but also may well have adhd and the distraction of gaming serves as a numbing agent for his brain and anxiety.

Since you are his guardian, can you make an appointment for him to be assessed for adhd and for anxiety? Executive function is a big problem for people with adhd.

Executive function is the ability to prioritize and organise time, and to follow through on tasks and avoid distraction.

Hi i think this is the right way to reply, correct me if I'm wrong.

I've been trying to get him diagnosed for a while (I've got ADHD too but its different). My brother refuses to go to the appointments I've booked. He refused at 13 as well. He says he can concentrate but like you said, his executive dysfunction is pretty bad and he's dopamine seeking through gaming.

I've made appointments for him to see his school counsellor but he ends up skipping the appointments. He refuses anything to do with mental health. Mental health has never been a secret topic in the house, so I'm unsure where his refusal comes from. Last week, I was in tears begging him to see a therapist, and he simply just said there's nothing wrong with me and went back to gaming.

I'm starting to think that I need to give ultimatums but I don't know if that would be the right move. He's never been this difficult and his refusal is starting to trigger me a lot.

Explain to him that it gives him choices.

In my experience, most teens want to take control of their lives and do their own thing. The only way that can be achieved (realistically) is to get decent grades in school. Logically you have more choices with GCSE’s, you can then choose A levels, BTEC or an apprenticeship that suits you. After that you have even more control of your own life, more choices… each level of education is to give you more choices, this is how I’ve kept my kids engaged. Maths, for example, was/is a sticking point for both (despite ability it’s hated) but DS (year 10) is doing higher level papers and is predicted a high grade (8/9) as he studies, knowing it’s needed to go further.

Choices. It’s my buzzword 😂

I don't have any evidence-backed advice to offer, but I wanted to say it's clear how much you care for your little brother, and also that I think you've a really hard role here, having taken on parental responsibility after some patterns of behaviour which are unhelpful for both you and he have become well-established, and at a time when your brother was probably wanting to feel more independent and adult. I'm trying to imagine what I might have felt if my parents had moved away at an age when I was becoming more independent and my big (already adult) sibling took on responsibility. I don't think I'd have been mature enough to handle it very well. I certainly wouldn't have been mature enough in my mid twenties to do what you're doing right now. It's really impressive to me that you and your brother were happy to take this on; I guess your relationship must be / have been pretty strong.

I agree with @APinkAndSpottyGiraffey suggested framing - around choices, and education (both academic and in life skills) as an enabler of autonomy. I'm wondering whether your brother actually sees himself as a future, independent adult and is looking forward to that, or whether that might all be a bit too scary, and perhaps he'd like this relatively simpler stage of life to go on for ever? He's at an age where adult responsibility is looming, and you're the closest person he has to help him with that. Does he have some other, non-teacher, adults in his life to help him with that part of growing up and being good role models?

Do you and your brother form a good team when you've things to do together? Might he be amenable to thinking about the next ten years - getting himself to post uni, early career age, as a project he's tackling and leading on, with you in support to help him navigate the almost limitless (and sometimes scary to think about) possibilities? Not only as an academic project; is he able to look after himself in other aspects of adult responsibility, e.g. responsibility for meal planning, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, or is that all on your shoulders (or bought-in help)? Would he able able to work out what support he wants to help him along the way?

Come to think of it, do you have the support you need to help you right now? Might it be helpful for you to talk through what you've taken on and how you're feeling with a qualified therapist?

I hope you find some avenues you can explore that help a bit, whether that's helping you to help your brother to re-find his application and motivation, or helping you accept the situation as it currently is and reducing the frustrations you have at home.

Bribery.

Teenagers can always use a bit more cash.

Yes you should not have to bribe him but try it.

It sounds like you might not be in the uk? If not thwn it would be helpful if you let us know what country you are in.

Yep I'm based in Aus. But my brother is going to do IB. I didn't do it that way so the system is something I'm still learning about

This really brought a new perspective I didn't realised. The idea that my brother might feel overwhelmed by the thought of becoming a independent adult didn't even occur to me.

I feel like he's able to take care of himself, as much as a 15 year old can be. Meal prepping is often my job but I'll ask him to join me (he's a really good baker haha). It might take him off the games and build some confidence/or reduce the anxiety. He's a bit of a typical guy where they just don't talk about serious feelings. I hope he'll be open up to me or even open up to himself.

Thank you for your kind words, fortunately I have a therapist that's helping me process the parental role. But yes it's definitely hard. I haven't raised a small child before, a teenager is a whole other ballpark haha.