How do I tackle this one!?

[UltimateLuxury]

I’ll try and keep this brief but background is important.

My 18 year old son (16 at the time) inherited a watch from his grandad. It is rare and valuable and obviously has huge sentimental importance.

Last Christmas he insisted on wearing it to a Christmas/prom/night out thing at his school. He promised to look after it and it seemed an appropriate occasion to wear it. About a week later I realised I hadn’t seen it come back. He admitted to the leather strap breaking whilst dancing and he put it in his pocket but had forgotten. We searched everywhere for it to no avail, asked school and an expensive insurance claim resulted. He appeared crestfallen and my husband was pretty upset his dad’s watch had been lost.

He’s quite secretive and has a new/first girlfriend who he adores. He has been with her a few months and I strongly suspect he got together with her the night of the prom.

Over the weekend he has finally started talking about her, shared and name and it all seems sweet. Today he asked me to drop him off so he could meet her at the station.

I have just returned and am fuming. As I dropped him off she waved at me and I could see she was wearing the watch.

Clearly this is on him but the lying and deceit is really hurtful. But this is the first time he has let me know he has a girlfriend and if I go too crazy I suspect the barriers will come down again.

HELP

Shocking behaviour from your son, definitely haul him over the coals, take the w
atch back until he’s much older, and inform insurance it’s been found.

Sounds like the watch does belong to the son, not his parents, so technically he could do what he wanted with it. If he was dim enough to give it to a girl, then that's his choice, and nobody has any right to ask for it back.
But the possible insurance fraud is a different and separate matter. Any money claimed needs to be returned, and the son punished (possibly financially?).

How certain can you be that it was definitely the same watch, OP? If she was waving to you from a distance, can you be 100% sure?

I don't think I would be reading the riot act just yet. I would talk to your ds and say what you saw, and ask him to tell you the truth. No shouting, no threats, just calm questions about what happened.

Ultimately, the watch was his to give away, even though you and his dad might not have liked it. You can explain that he might well regret this decision when he is older, and that his dad might be upset about his grandad's watch going out of the family, but be clear that you will respect his decision either way.

You then need to explain that it was fraudulent to put in the insurance claim and tell him that the money will need to be paid back. I'm not sure why you and DH kept the insurance payout, given that the watch belonged to your ds. The insurance money should really have gone to him, and he would then have learned a lesson by having to pay it back.

I would tell him that the biggest issue is not that he gave away the watch (though you'd have liked him to discuss this with his dad first because of the sentimental value) but rather that he lied to you and put you in a position of making a fraudulent claim. He needs to understand that this is not ok. But shouting at him about it isn't going to get that message across. Stay calm, clear and rational.

Rightly or wrongly

• I'd go round to her parents when she is in, calmly explain and requisition the watch.

Id say nothing in advance and if he is embarassed thats a natural consequence.

• then tell my son what a reprobate he is and how ashamed I hope he will be when his brain finally develops and then keep hold of the watch for a few years.
• I would also explain the implications of defrauding an insurer!!!

Poor you dealing with that in this heat

To all the people saying ‘take the watch back’.

The watch belonged to the son. He inherited it. He was free to do with it what he wanted, including giving it away.

He gave it to his girlfriend. It’s hers now. She is under no obligation to return it. And it sounds like she’s owned it for two years. OP can ask if she likes, but the girlfriend is quite within her rights to refuse.

The big issue is the lying fron the son and the insurance fraud. That needs dealing with, and he needs to understand the severity of this. I doubt OP really wants to report him to the police but he needs to be aware he’s committed a crime. As well as lied to you both.

He gave it to his girlfriend. It’s hers now.

No, it's the insurance company's now. They paid for it.

OP and her DH have to pay back the insurance company (I'm assuming the policy was in their names) now they know the watch is not lost and ds has to either pay them back or get the watch back.

You need to really throw the book at him on this one as others have said. Being so untruthful/deceitful is a major red flag and could land him in a lot of trouble. He needs to get it back
off her now and give to his dad for safekeeping, and call up the insurance company (with you listening in) to explain his mistake and ask for guidance. Then pay back the money himself (or have it withheld so he can’t buy/do the things he wants until it is paid back.)
This is really serious OP - we’ve had devious behaviour from our DD and I really sympathise. I am quite sure it stems from today’s modish lack of strictness with small children. We were smacked when we lied when we were 3 or 4 so we learned early to be truthful. Our kids were told not to
lie of course but a smack is way more impactful and the lesson is longlasting.
His dad needs to give him a firm talking to as well - so he understands how very disappointed and angry he is.

I think she's had it since the prom at Christmas. DS had had the watch for 2 years.

Yes he got watch when 16. Wore it for first time at Christmas. He is now 18. He’s back later.

I'd contact the girls parents and explain. If they are half decent they will make her give it back .

I’d want to be very, very sure it’s the same watch before I went off into the deep end.

how unique is it? Does it have any engravings on it that can be used to identify it?

This is lying on the grand scale, tell him he has to write to the insurers and explain, and while he's at it he can explain it to you.

Honestly explain to him that’s this is actually fraud. Watch back from girlfriend and parents informed if necessary. Then the watch away until he’s a proper adult.

Watch back from girlfriend and parents informed if necessary. Then the watch away until he’s a proper adult.

And money paid back to insurance company. Which should be the first thing addressed once it's confirmed it's the same watch.

Are you sure it’s the same one? They’re very heavy

Why would a 19 yo girl be wearing a watch from the 1930/40's ? The idea it's a different watch is very thin.

Wow, that’s so deceitful. I would be so upset in your shoes…especially with ds seeing how upset his dad was and continuing the lies.

Did you speak to him and confirm whether it was the same watch?

Because it's a love token.

Young girls will wear anything given by a doting boyfriend.

The " boyfriend look" is very much on trend for women's watches.

if this were my DS here is how the convo would go:

I suspect you have made a masssive error of judgement, and dont understand the seriousness of a fraudulent insurance claim. (in my case, being involved in a fraud would impact my professional standing so would flag this if relevant).

By allowing GF to keep the watch and parents to proceed with an insurance claim you have made EVERYONE complicit in a crime. You can make it right very quickly by getting the watch back and emabling parents to put the insurance fraud to rights. If for any reason you cant do this then parents will have to advise the GF and her parents of the situation.
Think about what your Grandad would want to happen next, the values he stood for and how hard he worked to get that watch- only to have it passed off and tainted like this.

Handle it sensitively though as it sounds as tho he is blindly in love!

Hi @UltimateLuxury how are you progressing with this?

his watch to do as he pleases, but you have made a fraudulent insurance claim so need to sort that out.

his watch to do as he pleases

But not lie about it. It's regrettable that he gave away the watch, but his dishonesty is the real issue. He presumably knew about the insurance claim.