Supporting a self harming autistic teenager with a difficult new relationship

[stressy1]

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore and could really do with hearing from parents who have dealt with self harming teenagers.

My daughter is 17, autistic and has been struggling for 6 years, She self harms and although CAMHS are involved, I feel like so much of the day to day responsibility falls onto me. I find plaster wrappers everywhere and plasters stuck to her clothes. She denies self harming.

What is making things harder is that she is spending a lot of time with a boy. I asked her and she said she is not in a relationship with him. I saw them kissing outside last night. Her self harming seems to have become worse since she started seeing him. I don’t know if it is directly connected, teenage relationship intensity, emotional dependency, wanting reassurance, or something else entirely, but I can see a clear change.

She also has an eating disorder and alcohol dependency.

Asking her anything even gently results in arguments and then coming home late. If I say anything she does not want to hear, she says she does not want to come home anymore and spends more and more time at her boyfriends.

I just don't know what to do anymore,

This sounds so tough. Have CAMHS given you or her any helpful strategies? Do you know if she’s been honest with them or are all sessions private?
Are you sure the plasters are just connected to self harm or could it be also covering any imperfections? This can occur with autism but often at a younger age.

The most concerning part of your post for me was her “alcohol dependency” alongside her eating disorder. Autistic young people can use alcohol to mask social anxiety and to help them to manage social situations. How has she become dependent at such a young age though?

i’m not trying to blame you but I’d be seeing the GP, hounding CAMHS and contacting any local or national agencies for further help. Once she transfers to adult services it will be even more difficult to get support and you will probably have even less involvement.

Is she still in education or do you have a social worker? Sounds like you could do with a meeting with professionals to discuss a way forwards.
You could look on your LA Local offer to see what services or groups are available.

When was she diagnosed? It’s hard enough being a teenager but putting autism in the mix makes everything tougher. Some support around her diagnosis may help, she is vulnerable but won’t recognise this.

https://www.autism.org.uk/learn/knowledge-hub/professional-practice/autism-alcohol

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/mental-health/self-harm

Thank you for your reply.

CAMHS gives her strategies but she doesn't often want to use them. She sees a clinical psychologist every week. The sessions are private so I don't know what is said. I don't think she is always honest with them. She told me she is also skin picking but I saw fresh cuts on her. The psychologist said she did ask and she was also told it is only skin picking.

She is also on medication from the psychiatrist.

Myself and DH don't drink and do not have any alcohol in the house. She started drinking in high school. She stole money from us and used birthday money to buy it. A lot of the corner shops will sell alcohol to under age children. She said she drank to stop the pain of wanting to kill herself. She has been under the care of alcohol services for years but is still drinking.

She was diagnosed at 14. She is still in education. She has a social worker. I have hounded everybody and I am worried about this:

Once she transfers to adult services it will be even more difficult to get support and you will probably have even less involvement.

If I say something showing concern, she gets angry and stays out more. If I don't say anything then it feels like I am condoning everything she is doing.

She is very vulnerable and the boyfriend is a very heavy drinker which makes things worse. I can't stop her seeing him. I feel helpless.

I’m so sorry it sounds awful. I get how helpless you must feel. You must be so worried. Does the psychologist not involve you at all? You’d expect them to want the whole picture.
Are there any sensory supports that help? Fidgets, fidget rings, weighted blankets etc? Have you seen the skin picking fidgets.
Is the boyfriend older?
You are doing your very best in really difficult circumstances. There’s only so much you can do especially as she gets older.
Maybe try emailing the psychologist? Or request a family meeting?

I will have meetings with the psychologist now and again but she is not allowed to tell me anything without my daughter's permission and my daughter doesn't want me to know what is going on.

They offered family therapy but my daughter refused so it didn't go ahead.

She has lots of sensory toys. She has a weighted blanket. It doesn't stop her self harming. We have to go to A and E before because the cuts were so deep and had to be glued. Now she refuses to go to A and E altogether and deals with them herself which is not good because her hygiene is so poor. CAMHS told me to keep a stock of bandages and plasters for her to use.

Boyfriend is the same age. He has also been under the care of CAMHS in the past.

It is like watching a car crash.