15 year old has no aspirations, drive or motivation

[Needsomesun02829]

My son has ALOT of problems. Tried cahms a few times but nothing has helped.
He has general anxiety , severe health anxiety, ocd, low mood/high mood, and the usual teenage high opinion of themselves/think they know everything. Behavioural problems at school. It sounds like a boy crying out for help, attention, that there is a problem. His school (and previous schools) have gone and above and beyond for him.
He can leave classes, spend time in the hub instead of going to lessons he doesnt like, he doeent attend his detentions yet doesnt get into trouble for it. For his exams (currently year 10) they have fought with the exam board to get him extra time, rest breaks, sit somewhere else to do them. Theyve given him an older student as mentor to show him what he can achieve. He wont do homework. And most definitely will not revise for his exams. This upcoming year 11 is going to be hell.
When he feels pressure instead of asking for help or trying his best he acts out or makes excuses to get out of it.
This week he has work experience. They were supposed to arrange this all themselves etc. He just wouldnt do it. So myself and his head of year worked together to get him a placement and a really great place where she said there is a chance they will offer him an apprenticeship at the end. He has done the first two days , says he hated it, days too long, hes bored, everyone is old there, boring work etc. Yesterday he said he was ill so he didn't go. Today saying the same thing.
I dont think he is ill , but he gets himself worked up over things to the point he ends up feeling ill. All because he doesnt want to go.
We are dreading when he leaves school. He will not pass his gcses. Hes only taking 3 as dropped the rest with schools permission. He doesnt want to do anything. Doesnt want to go to college or work.
To make matters worse we dont live anywhere near any colleges. They are miles away. So that already adds a problem in as he will just not go or will expect us to take him all the time.
There is a fine line between doing everything for him and letting him fail. I think we have all gone above and beyond to help and he isnt trying to help himself at all. Hes like an ostrich putting his head in the sand
We just dont know what to do with him at this point.
I think when hes older and matured he will find his way but what do we do until then?

I’m talking about the poster saying that school allows her son to leave lessons whenever he wants to ie go to a hub or base.
That’s not supporting these children or helping them.

Sorry, somethings gone wrong with the quote thing I think. The quote I was replying to changed x

It gives the dopamine boost to get things going which they naturally lack. I could’ve written your post 2 years ago. ADHD diagnosis and successful medication (took 6 months to find the right one) has been life changing. The days when she forgets to take meds the behaviour slips back to old ways wasting time and getting nothing done. She believes when she starts working money will be motivating but right now she has low motivation. She got her grades and at uni now aiming for top scores. Can’t imagine how she would have found her way back to an academic fruitful life without the meds.

Yes sorry for the confusion, I understood your point only after re-reading the OP and edited my reply. I do agree with you enabling avoidance cannot be helpful in the longer run but that is for nt people, I wouldn't like to guess for ND people.

Interestingly my daughters school have stopped tgem
going to the support hub when they want - they said it’s a sticking plaster / security blanket (think that was the principal). They are obviously allowed there breaks / lunch but not during lessons anymore.

@Needsomesun02829 If you genuinely think the army could be the making of him, you must think he is capable of discipline. They won't take him without GCSEs, by the way. Does he have a male role model in his life? He sounds totally lost and well on his way to live in his bedroom forever.

Does he like sport? If yes, I suggest he does it 5 x a week. If not, I suggest you do C25K with him and go running with him 3 x a week (or if you can't, get an ex-army personal trainer?). I did this recently and have a new appreciation for "mental strength". I really think running helps build that, though if it is transferable to other fields is anyone's guess.

If you want him to grow up, please teach him:

• to do his own laundry and make clear that from now on, that is his job
• to cook (make a rota: from now on every family member cooks dinner for everyone at least once a week - if he doesn't cook, he gets no food)
• to clean (make a rota and force him to stick to it)

Make clear that this is preparing him for adult life and it is not optional. Some of these may be easier if his father is on board and willing to force him to do it.

I would also suggest you make him do these: corbettmaths.com/5-a-day/ He does these where you can see him and repeats every exercise he gets wrong.

Also, he reads a newspaper article out loud to his parents every day and discusses it with both of you, speaking in full sentences.

No screens in his bedroom and preferably no internet at all - if he is bored, he can go running, do housework, do maths or read.

These are all LOW-KEY activities for which it does not matter at all if he is neurotypical or not! Make it clear that these things are not optional and stick to it. You and his father MUST force it until he gets into good habits. This will be much, much harder on you than him so do not make the mistake of thinking your bad feelings forcing him equal his bad feelings doing it - no.

What is your experience of parenting ND kids? My ds got a late diagnosis privately in the summer of y10. I.managed to get CAMHS to accept it and started on a low dose of meds in Feb of y11 and it transformed him.in a week. Attendance went from 70-100% Unfortunately hed missed so much he didn't get all tje grades he needed and after attempting a different college course than planned, has dropped out but is restarting next year on one he is really looking forward too. He did a volunteer programme and I give him chores at home but he is basically having a year off. He is however, happier than he's been in a long time. Academics are important but theyre not the only thing that matters.
I teach teens. I get the importance of education and grades but the timeline is not as rigid as people think. If a child is not ready at 15, doesn't mean he'll never be. I think also.if he's talking about the army, id let definitely look at that. Would he consider joining a cadet force in the meantime? OP talk to.him, listen. Take 'should and 'must' and 'need to' out of the conversation. Let him try and say what he sees or envisaged and if its remotely feasible, explore the routes to that with him.

@Needsomesun02829 For your info: https://www.army.mod.uk/support-and-training/our-schools-and-colleges/afc-harrogate/

I'm sorry OP, it sounds very stressful.
There is good advice on here. In my experience the stress and conflict/difficult conversations can poison home life for everyone.

I just wanted to add, if you can, to try and take all the heavy conversations out of day to day life, - to maintain a good relationship with your son and stop any bad atmosphere at home which stresses everyone. So flag a time for these important conversations, but keep mealtimes, other times clear.
Try not to have a go at him when he first comes down in the morning/last thing at night.
Do nice things together, see if what you can figure out what he's interested in and if he can get involved/join any clubs/ pursue something that might develop into a career.

What did he do during the days he was not on work experience? My mother would have made me stay in bed all day/evening, no phone, no wifi, games console ... I could read books, that's it. Consequently I was very ill when off work/school.

My child has very limited screen time and always has, she was encouraged be independent from an early age and was going to the local shop for me from about 8 and getting herself up and ready for school and ready for bed before then. She can cook and bake and does all her own washing. She is extremely determined and always pushes herself to the absolute limit.
How do you suggest i make her more resilient or give her more responsibility?

Using a thread where someone is struggling with their child, to smug about how well yours are doing because you are such a great parent, doesn’t suggest great emotional intelligence to me, unless you are also unkind.

@Geneticsbunny Your child sounds very different from the OP's child.

Agreed.

It took me a little while to find out how to apply to AFC Harrogate. Apparently he doesn't need GCSEs after all - he can do Functional Skills while there.
https://jobs.army.mod.uk/how-to-join/training/junior-soldier-training/
The pay is quite good! I think if he is already inclined that way, this could be a really good thing for him.