Discussing potential body issues with daughter

[jackadoo1]

Hello,

I’m just looking for some advice on how to best talk to my 14 year old daughter about this.

She is very petite for her age, always has been. Eats a normal diet, doesn’t shy away from treats etc.

However I have found concerning photos on her iPad. Most of them of her taking photos of her body, ie side on sucking in her stomach etc. then another with the caption “Why am I so fat?”

I first found them a month ago so have been monitoring them and looking out for any other signs.

I suffered with an eating disorder at her age so have always been body positive, never talk about weight etc.

I would like to have a chat with her and discuss any worries she has but feel bad for invading her privacy and looking at her iPad. We have a great relationship and can talk about things, just not sure the best way to approach this?

Any advice would be great!

Don’t feel bad. Personally I wouldn’t talk to her about what you discovered just yet. I would talk in general terms, rather than specifics to give your dd the opportunity to open up to you. Ask her if she’s ok, about friendships, if there’s anything on her mind etc.

If she does open up, it’s about validating her feelings but without agreeing. I would try to go the Socratic questioning route, rather than telling her, so you can try to change her mindset (google Socratic questioning). Eg Ask her if she’s had any thoughts about how she’d like to change how she’s feeling. If she says about crash dieting for example, you could ask her if she thinks that’s a reasonable thing to do… (and remembering that EDs have a genetic component, so you’ll want to steer her away from this). If she doesn’t have any ideas, you could give her some healthy ones. With your experience of ED, you will know some I imagine. And I’m presuming she doesn’t need to diet, so you may suggest therapy etc.

For anyone with these sort of issues, building them up as person is really important. Lots of talk about her as a person, how she is as a friend, a daughter, sister to siblings / cousins etc, her strengths, hobbies, what she’s been doing at school, find opportunities to praise her there.

Are you checking on her school account that she’s having lunch every day btw?

If she doesn’t open up, I’d leave it a few days, then approach it gently and say you’ve seen a few pictures on her iPad and were wondering if she’d like to talk about it. If she says, no, say you’d like to and depending on her personality, either keep going or suggest some times and let her pick perhaps.

Checking her iPad isn't invading her privacy, it's good parenting.

That’s great advice thank you so much. Will have a chat when she come back from school.

She takes lunches into school and has a good dinner which she always eats.

Yes I don’t feel like it’s invading her privacy really as she’s only just 14 but was worried I would get responses saying I shouldn’t be nosy!

I hope it went ok!

It went ok. I just casually asked if she was feeling ok, and that I remember what it was like to be 14 and having questions about my body when I started my period (she’s recently started) She said she was fine and had no worries. Then I checked her iPad again today and in the notes section she had current weight and goal weight.

I have no idea how she’s weighing herself as we don’t own any scales!

I’m just going to keep an eye on things and check in with her more often. She is still enjoying all foods and not restricting. No signs of making herself sick (she has huge emetophobia)

That’s good. Ok well, do be aware people with ED can be sneaky beggars, not that I’m saying your dd has one. You know, you had one. But she does have some body image issues, possibly a certain amount of dysphoria (?).

I thought my dd wouldn’t make herself sick. She has a seizure condition. Historically, her heart stops beating when she is sick. I think she was pretty chuffed when she realised she didn’t have a seizure when she was sick earlier this year. She has ED. And I did have to have a few words with her about making herself sick after that as I am pretty sure she vomited deliberately after a bit of a binge. She denied it of course.

Were you mentally ill with your ED? And is your dd’s goal healthy? As you are aware there’s something happening and she has a goal weight, I think I would be drip feeding stuff about obsessions with losing weight, that in some it can lead to mental illness. And that it can be genetic. Maybe talk about Ariane Grande (who has recently regained 30 pounds and did a TikTok stating she was eating healthier to put the weight back on), Demi Moore (who hasn’t).