How do I stop dwelling ?

[Bambooflowersforest]

I have been dwelling a lot over the past few weeks regarding something I could have done better for DC; my connection to DC has grown stronger from this but I can’t help stop dwelling. I know dwelling doesn’t help but how do I move forward?

Hard to say with so little info… do you want your share more?

There's not a lot to go on here!

By dwelling, I'm interpreting that you mean that you feel guilty?

Guilt is there to teach and remind us not to do things we shouldn't/do things we should. If something bad happened that you're responsible for, guilt is the appropriate emotion for you to be feeling and you should sit with that feeling and use it to learn to do better in the future. In time the feeling will pass

But did you actually do anything all that bad? Or are you being masochistic? If you told a sensible objective outsider what it was that you did/didn't do, would they agree that you should feel guilt? Would they think your degree of guilt is proportional to whatever happened? If you're feeling guilt when it's really not appropriate or proportional is this part of a patten of wider emotional illiteracy? You could consider seeking help to improve your awareness of your emotions. But again, in time the feeling will pass

Depends how badly you fucked up. Minor incident that could be misinterpreted by anyone - cut yourself some slack. Big issue - step up and do better next time. Without more info we don't know.

I feel I wasn’t given DC the support, love, attention they needed; and that is the reason for their mental health struggles and low self esteem; as they thrive on emotional connection, validation, etc. I was dealing with a stressful job which ended in burnout and I think I wasn’t emotionally and mentally available.

I am making amendments and can see the improvements. Perhaps I am being masochistic, and really need to move on.

Parental guilt is what many of us suffer from, especially if our DC are struggling. Very common. I am suffering from it. I hope someone comes along with some rational advice, I understand your plight.

I think guilt is a proper emotion and I should sit with it.

How old is your DC?
At some point in the tweens and teens childred need to learn how to gradually cope without as much emotional scaffolding from their parents. They need to stop depending on outside people to validate, approve, praise them etc. And to deepen their own sense of esteem. A parent does a child no favours by keeping them dependant on you.

Maybe your job made that transition too abrupt for your child. But I can't imagine you've been completely emotionally absent in that time? You sound very connected to your and your child's emotional needs. That doesn't just switch on or off.

Anyway if you've recognised a problem, and are changing your behaviour and seeing your child benifit from that, that's gold standard parenting. Earlier I said to use the guilt to do better in the future - you already are. Don't over compensate with it. Your child needs to manage as an individual at some point

14.5. It is difficult to know what is the best thing to do. Too much attention, too little attention. Perhaps the transition was too abrupt; they told the therapist they have been feeling lonely. I haven’t been completely absent but wasn’t connecting as I should have.

They are actually quite independent going out and about, have friends, etc; but in times of struggle I didn’t know how to validate their feelings. I also think I have this strong emotional connection with them which I wasn’t validating.

I have a different take on guilt. I’d say it is regret that is an appropriate response. Guilt is more of an anger at the self, a sense of ‘I’m bad’ because of what we did, rather than regretting the action. And because of this, guilt doesn’t really help us move on because it comes from a ‘bad self’ place. So your not being there was regrettable, and because of that feeling of regret, you have changed how you are responding, and it’s helping. It sounds like there was a lot going on. You’re a good mum doing your best. Just try and stop any thoughts of how you think you failed, don’t indulge that, as it will not help. Focus instead on DC and less on yourself. Not saying that to be mean - we all focus on ourself much of the time and it helps just to let go of that.

Yes, it is probably regret. I was trying to fix things where there was nothing to fix; DC is already a wonderful human being who just needs support, love, acceptance. I don’t think I am over compensating but I am spending more time connecting and learning about them, their dreams, worries, what they like to listen to, etc. I also feel I was transferring my fears and worries and not fully trusting DC.

I don’t think there is a limit on how much love you can give someone.

Thank you. I do need to let go and focus on the present and future. I can’t change the past, I need to move on as it doesn’t help anyone just keep on regretting things I can’t change.

Need to change my mindset