Is my 15-year-old just being a teenager or becoming selfish?

[Holdinguphalfthesky]

My dd is 15. She’s always been her own person and I’ve always been pleased about it, she doesn’t stand for being manipulated. She’s always been kind and affectionate, too.

Lately, however, she’s been spiky and self interested to the point where I’m wondering if I need to say that she’s behaving selfishly. Examples are flouncing when reminded of something, refusing to graciously acknowledge people’s special dates like birthdays, and generally being uninterested in anyone else. A couple of times she’s been callous in her remarks to me and it’s felt really hurtful.

I’m talking about me, her father, and her stepdad- I don’t know about her friendships at the moment because she isn’t telling me much. She’s also disengaged from most interactions at home, staying in her room.

For context, she is an only, both her dad and I do a lot for her, and her stepdad also does nice things for her like lifts when she is stuck. Her own dad can be manipulative though and he does have a history of asking her to sacrifice her own needs for him/his new family, but he had a special anniversary recently and she wouldn’t even entertain marking it in the way he wanted because she’d made a plan with a friend. (He asked her late and refused to compromise on what he wanted to do so that she could join in and see her friend, so normally I would shrug and think that he’d FAFO. But along with her other recent behaviours I’m now wondering.)

Do I say something or do I accept that she’s being 15 and this too will pass?

I think I'd say something but given it's likely a mix of being 15 and the start of becoming selfish I wouldn't go in hard about it. I'd use a specific example about yourself rather than what happened with her dad though, you say she's upset you recently so I'd talk about that with her

Thank you. So maybe something like, “when you [this behaviour] I find it really quite hurtful and it’s starting to come across as selfish”?

Or more like “I feel like I’m going to start matching your energy, while we’re all happy to help you out, once it stops being a two-way thing then it starts to make people feel resentful if they put themselves out for you and you don’t offer anything back, not even a pleasant thank you”?

I know I should be able to think this through on my own but my brain is a bit stuck at the moment, and because this is the most important relationship I have, it’s difficult for me to see the wood for the trees.

Most teenagers go through a selfish stage.

they are trying to work out who they are and where they fit in, and with the best will in the world their friends are generally more important to them than family.

I’d have a chat to her and try and find out if she’s ok first.
Spending the majority of time in her room and being spiky could be perfectly normal teenage behaviour or could be a sign she’s unhappy or something isn’t right.
However she needs to be told when she’s being rude or hurtful towards you. Just in a matter of fact way, don’t get into an argument about it.

I have a 15yo DS and while he can be selfish, there is still an awareness of obligation/ expectation. Being part of a family has its perks -lifts, pocket money etc but yes when it’s Granny’s 80th you have to go and visit.
So I’d focus on this element. We call it paying us back by ‘sucking it up’.

Have a chat with her and try and regularly check in but this sounds like “normal’ teenage behaviour.

DC1 and 2 were very selfish at 14/15 but mellowed towards the end of year 11 (16 years old) but still have their moments!

Thank you, it does help to know I’m not alone!

I don't think your DD's behaviour is unusual for a teen, but you're seeing a change in her. If you do talk to her, be curious about this and find out how she's doing. No need for the 'when you...I feel...'. I can't imagine what kind of anniversary should be important to a teen. Her dad sounds like he was thoughtless and inconsiderate about this. Friendships are so important to teenagers. Do you spend one on one time with her yourself? Do you have a shared interest or activity that you do?

Self absorption seems normal but callous comments aren’t OK.

What do you mean ‘not graciously acknowledging’ others’ things?

She wasn’t U not to rearrange her plans for her father’s ‘special anniversary’ given what you’ve said about him.

Teens are inherently selfish, it’s normal and will pass BUT being spoken to like shit etc is not acceptable. They still need boundaries but choose your battles wisely.

I wouldn't get involved with how she treats her DF, and their dynamic.

Just ask her to be considerate within your own household.

And, just like with toddlers, with teens you sometimes need to choose your battles.

This is the most important relationship you have?!

Why wouldn't it be? 🤔

Don't start "matching energy". That way madness lies. Your first para is a better response.

Imo, always give teens a way to back out of their behaviour, to apologise for it without anybody saying "I should think so!" etc.

I think good for her. It seems like she’s taking her cue from the adults in her life who she might perceive to have selfishly done what they like. So, it might manifest in dramatic ways but I’d leave her be.

If the ‘nice things’ from her household are simply a lift, that’s quite a low bar. It sounds like she might be toughening herself up as she’s navigating life as a young woman without the full support of adults who know and care about who she is, and the young woman she is becoming.

She’s my daughter and she’s still a child. Of course she’s the most important person in my life. Is that not normal?

That's normal isn't it?

For myself, lifts are not the only nice thing, of course, but they are an example of something I or her stepdad do quite often to help her which puts us out, so a thank you rather than a grunt keeps the social wheels turning, I’d say.

I don’t want to go to her saying I do this that and the other for her and therefore she owes me a smile, but equally I think she should know that goodwill is a 2-way street, particularly from someone who isn’t her parent (he’d never be horrible to her but he might be less inclined to help her if she doesn’t show similar consideration to others). Our household has always run on mutual respect, where people apologise if they’re in the wrong and everyone does a bit to help out. I’m a bit taken aback to have the suggestion that she’s snappy because I’ve been pleasing myself and don’t support her and aren’t interested in her. We spend quality time together, we do talk and she chooses to talk to me and/or my OH about problems she has (it’s just a bit hit and miss lately) we choose things to do together which we both enjoy like going on holidays or trips or watch a film just her and me, we have always done this. She’s asked if I’ll come to a gig with her in another city so that she can go- I’m not disinterested and we have always had a nice relationship between us. I would hope she doesn’t feel as if she is “navigating life as a young woman without the full support of adults who know and care about who she is, and the young woman she is becoming” 😟

Teenagers can be really selfish, like big toddlers. Also stubborn. It's to do with brain development.
I wouldn't interfere in her relationship with her dad, that's for them to sort out.

This.

She’ll probably grow out of it but in the mean time you need to have some meaningful chats with her, calmly and without blame. Try and find out how she’s feeling.
Are there things you can do with her that you’d both enjoy, shopping, lunch, tennis etc etc when you can have chats? Keep communicating!

I think really all you're asking for is basic manners which is fine to insist on.

I do find it very odd she won't wish people a happy birthday? Is that really what you mean ?

Putting children front, centre and “the all” of your life isn’t ideal. They grow up expecting to be everyone else’s “main” character.

There are many studies showing it is much healthier for the parental relationship to be the central rock that anchors everything. That’s not saying your children aren’t important, they obviously are, it’s more about what helps them grow up secure bug also thoughtful toward the needs of others.

I’m not with her dad, so we can’t have the parental relationship front and centre.

She isn’t “the all” of my life, but when I got together with my partner I needed both of them to know that she was my most important person. She also knows that I am a person too, and that she is an autonomous person who is under no obligation to live in any way just because that’s what I do/want/think is best.

• think really all you're asking for is basic manners which is fine to insist on. I do find it very odd she won't wish people a happy birthday? Is that really what you mean ?*

@Sugargliderwombat kind of, although she’s been much nicer today. Yesterday and this morning it was all a bit huffy and ungracious, chucking presents on the sofa for the recipient to find later so that she could head out to meet a friend, rather than handing them out, but then she spent hours making a beautiful cake and washing up the equipment she used, and was perfectly lovely and delightful company. She’s like Jekyll and Hyde!

She says she isn’t worried about anything, she has an exam next week but says she doesn’t care about it. Generally enjoying life.

i did ask her earlier, quite lightly, if she was stressed as she seemed quite tense at the moment, she said no, so I said are you just being a bit of an arse then, and she laughed and said maybe. Later I told her, even if you’re an arse I still love you, and even like you; was smiling at the time, it was all quite light, so I hope it will land ok.

The OP is not with the father any more. So that relationship cannot possibly be the "central rock".

And recognising that a relationship is your most important one, does not mean that you indulge that person. Just that the relationship is the most important to you.

Well done OP, the teen years can be difficult to navigate at the best of times, and you are clearly trying to make your DD feel safe and protected, while still setting out behaviour expectations.