How can I help my 14-year-old find motivation and interests?

[KeenLemonPanda]

DS is 14, and I know obviously he's deep in the teenage phase but I am struggling with him.

He is so unbelievably lazy, unfocused at school, doesn't really care about anything, seems to have quite a few friends at school but does nothing with them out of school, has no hobbies, plays no sports.
Used to go boxing and gym but stopped. All he does is play on his computer (with friends talking online)
He doesn't seem to have any motivation for ANYTHING.

With his birthday coming up I asked him what he wants to do, I actually even said money no object, bring whoever you want, what do you want to do/where do you want to go.. he can't think of anything at all and says he doesn't want to do anything.

He sleeps his weekends away spending half the day in bed. He moans when asked to do jobs (reluctantly does them) and has attitude if I suggest getting a hobby/leaving the house.

He's also starting to put on weight as he just doesn't exercise anymore. He always says he will start doing xyz but never actually does. He's so unbelievably unorganized too, forgets everything, loses everything.

I'm sure this is part of being a teenager but friends kids go out and do things, have their hobbies, some even have little jobs! And he does nothing. How can I help him or do I just have to leave him to it?!

I worry he will end up lonely with no friends if he doesn't make any effort with anyone!
Thanks for reading.

Unfortunately I have no advice for you, but am in exactly the same boat with my 13 ds. He also suggested from anxiety and OCD but today has spent all day on his phone in his pyjamas in a dark bedroom. I know this is him being a lazy teenager but it makes me feel so crap as a parent, especially when other people's kids go out. All I can say is you aren't alone and hopefully its just a phase!

Thank you, nice to know I'm not alone at least! Heres hoping they grow out of the living in the bedroom phase!

I also a lazy teen DD. Has no motivation to do anything, looks at me like I’ve asked her to do some ungodly task when I ask her to clean her disgusting room. Everything seems like a chore apart from sitting in her room playing games/tiktok etc, you are not alone!

We had this. We massively restricted screen time / phone use as this was all they wanted to do. With very clear, fair rules.
The transformation was amazing. Can't recommend this any more.

I think laziness and attitude is normal ish to an extent. But I wouldn’t tolerate the loafing about doing nothing. My ds is the same age and incredibly focused on sports. He also likes fitness, running, YouTube workouts. Sometimes to the detriment of going out with friends, he just wants to do his own thing! He does game and use his phone a lot too but because he has a decent balance with exercise I tend to let it slide. If it was all he was doing I think I’d have to say ‘right no phone until you’ve done xyz’ whether that be chores, a family walk, reading a book etc.

It’s a really tricky age but it definitely helps when they can find a healthy hobby that they genuinely enjoy and want to do.

Do you have hobbies and interests, and are there activities that you’ve shared as a family as he’s been growing up?
Me and DH enjoy running, the gym, watching sports, walking/hiking, climbing mountains etc.
Always did bike rides with the kids.
My DS is 12, plays football for two teams and is always out with friends on his bike, and when he’s not out he enjoys coming to the gym with me, golf with his dad, rides his bike to school every day, enjoys going watching professional sport. We got a dartboard in the house that encourages time away from screens.
He obviously loves his phone and also has an Xbox but the above helps to limit how much he uses these.

I suppose my question is have you brought him up to enjoy moving/hobbies/interests, otherwise it won’t come naturally to him

I can relate! And frankly, I’m at the end of my tether with it. He’s been doing mock exams and says he’s disappointed with his results but doesn’t want to do anything about improving. Has said that he wants to do ALevels at his school. But, again, doesn’t want to do anything about improving his results so he can do this.

I’ve tried the annoyed route, the positive reinforcement route - nothing seems to have any kind of impact.

Today I have an email from the school about work experience and I talk to him… I get a lot of shoulder shrugging and “it’s two months away”.

Hes going to come home to no PlayStation tomorrow. Not sure how to prise the phone out of his hand yet, but I’m planning!

Phone/air time companies are missing a trick here - there should be a ‘kill switch’ that would turn smart phones into a brick instantly (without having to go through a mass of, this app only 5 minutes, that app only 10 minutes and so on). just an “off” and hey presto …. No internet, nothing (including WiFi and data on phone).

Sorry! This has struck a cord this evening and I apologise for my slightly hot flushed and menopausal outpouring.

You need to limit screen time.

both my DC went through about a year of being like this - a bit younger than your DS. I think it's quite common. In the end, I was quite blunt about it and said they needed to get engaged with life again. I said they had to do three things a week - one thing for fitness, one skill development and one thing that was social or in the community or worked towards a goal. I said it was best if they chose but if they couldn't think of anything, I'd choose.

DS1 took up a not very strenuous sport which he ended up being really good at and made friends through it. DS2 hated sport so I took him to the local pool every week as he couldn't swim. He went from being unable to swim to swimming a mile - and he was really proud of himself for this development. They both took up musical instruments which they still enjoy playing as adults. Gradually their interests and social life grew.

I am really glad I'm not alone. I try restricting screen time but he still just mopes around.
He was such an outdoors kid growing up, biking, hikes, paddle boarding, swimming, anything outdoors so this is new. He says he likes the gym but then goes very rarely.
I suppose my question is it's easy to say they have to do something sporty or excersise etc but how would you actually enforce that? I cannot pick him up and force him into the gym for example. He will just say he's not going. He would just lay in bed and stare at the wall or sleep if I took screens away. Very tricky age.

Been through all this when my son was that age. I would say that when his friends became more interested in football and the gym, it motivated him to go with them. They seem to do what their friends do.