Struggling with my 15-year-old son becoming distant during puberty

[Bluedungarees]

I’ve always been very close to my son, and had a great relationship. He turned 15 a few months ago and has changed a lot - he’s gone through a lot of physical change in terms of shooting up in height in a few months, more body hair, voice full breaking. Basically a lot of the physical side of puberty has hit in a very short space of time.

At the same time, how he is and how he talks to me and relates to me has changed a lot in that same time. He’s gone from being very open about his feelings, showing lots of empathy and interest, being excited about things and being very warm and open…to just not so much at all. I still get pockets of warmth from him, but he is very moody a lot of the time, very friends focused, a bit snappy and cold at times.

i don’t think any of this is abnormal, it’s all a development stage and I’m sure the hormones are raging right now and that it must be very unsettling for him too, and he’s trying to adjust from being a boy to becoming a man. It’s a lot - and I also remember being 15 and how difficult I found it!

But even knowing all this, I’m really feeling so low and struggling and feel like I’m grieving. I miss him and our closeness so so much. I miss his warmth and having so much positivity between us on a daily basis. It was easy and warm and being with him has been my absolute joy. I’m really feeling very low, trying to keep it in perspective but I’m finding it hard.

I just wondered if anyone has been through similar with their teenage sons and whether it got better and they went back to being more warm and open and loving, or whether this is my new normal.

Any hopeful stories would be appreciated or any advice.

Hi op
i have one child, a son of 24. When he was about 14 he started to change and became very private, friend focussed and less friendly with me.
I felt a bit sad as he was a lovely, friends child.
It does get better when they hit 19 or so, however, he’s just left home to live with his girlfriend and now I really am feeling grief.
My advice is to try to accept the changes are normal and healthy and try to give him more space, but be very supportive to him. I used to love treating him when I could to nice clothes etc. It’s hard x

Be happy that he is growing and maturing appropriately. You wouldn't want a clingy "little boy" living with you for decades, I'm sure.

My DS is 16 and I've been going through the same for a few years. It's very hard. I've got to trust that one day DS and I will be able to have a healthy, grown up relationship. Meanwhile, I got myself a little dog who's always happy to see me when I get home x

He'll come back to you one day - he's just doing what a boy's gotta do and it's a new and tricky path for him to navigate. He'll be learning stuff about himself as he matures. At the moment, it's tough for you but one day you might, like me, be giving the same advice to another mother. "This too will pass."

Was going to write the exact same post OP. I have 2 boys age 16 and 14 and they are the same. We were always so close and they’d chat to me about anything and everything but I am struggling to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them now.
That’s probably an exaggeration- I am their mum and I’m there for them. I give them lifts, cook for them, am interested in their lives etc. But I connect to people through talking mainly and that’s the bit that’s lacking! We don’t share many common interests unfortunately.
I’m really hoping the relationship evolves again with age and we find a way to be easy and relaxed together again one day.

This is normal. I remember my huggy, affectionate DS coming home one day from school. He was 13. He walked through the door said hello and told me he wasn’t going to hug me anymore as he was growing up. We were also told we could not call him by his affectionate family nickname anymore.
It’s all normal and healthy development.
He is now in early 20s a kind and loving son in frequent contact.
What isn’t acceptable is rudeness or disrespect. We had a bit of that. It’s usually teenage hormones. A male relative Dad/uncle etc can be good to nip this behavior in the bud. You treat women/your mum etc with respect.

My son is 16 and he is 95% affectionate (albeit not in the same way as he was when little) and respectful and 5% grumpy, bear-with-a-sore-head, stroppy teenager - although this can usually be solved with a round of toast! When he was 14 he started growing more distant / uncommunicative, and I made a concerted effort to meet him where he was - to be interested in whatever his current obsession was and to make both the opportunity and the time to hear all about it. I have sat through mind-numbing diatribes on the intricacies of minecraft worlds, roblox game structure, how discord works, the sneaker industry, and many other topics that I have zero interest in, but I make myself listen and ask questions and engage and reciprocate his enthusiasm, all the while just enjoying seeing him in a chatty, animated state :-). Also, I notice all the good things and verbalise them regularly, in the hopes that, even if he rolls his eyes, it goes in at some subconcious level and helps shape a positive self-image. And finally, I provide a judicious but steady supply of chocolate, which I offer tactically when he's having a low moment or needs a bit of motivation. All of this means he knows I am 100% on his team, he feels understood and accepted, even through the moody moments, and whilst there are topics he won't talk to me about, this has allowed us to stay feeling connected on a daily basis.

Thank you for all the replies. It’s so helpful.

He is hugely into Minecraft and has recently joined the gym so I do chat to him about those things when he’s willing to, and that really brings him out of himself. I’m also finding that if we’re away from home either for an evening or overnight, this helps too and he’s a bit more talkative and warm.

This phase at home is also coincided with a drop in motivation and effort at school, so I’m also trying to gently deal with that without piling on pressure. It’s all just a balancing act really. I think also being a single parent to him for so long, and having such a close, positive relationship with him, all this rapid change over a matter of a couple of months has just really knocked me. I’m gradually adjusting.

It really is helpful to hear your advice and experience, to both pick up some ideas of what to do and to feel less alone.

I have daughters but have also struggled with this. I think it's a good time to start focusing on you, think about what you want in the coming years. Get some of your own identity back that's not just mum. Maybe a new hobby?

I think this is the age where we need to parent more than toddler times, but it’s the time we parent less because we’re busier and have less time. You said you talk to him about Minecraft etc, that’s what I think teens need, more time with cake, chats, ‘can you help me with x y and z’, ‘can you come here with me’, ‘I need x done, could you help out?’ how about a family movie/ board game, we can have crisps and fizzy drinks etc etc (yes I rely on food a lot😅), then space after. Hope it all works out op x

I completely agree. I’m actually needing to parent harder than I ever have at the moment - it’s just very different, and more challenging as I get more pushback and resistance! Movie nights (although sometimes I have to offer half a movie and then watch the other half another evening to get him to be willing!). Clothes shopping in London was also a hit a few weeks ago so I might do that again soon.

It’s a great idea to ask for help with things or for him to come to places with me. He’s really loving going to the gym at the moment and when I said I might join one soon, he offered to come with me for a session and help put together a workout programme for me - it was the most enthusiasm I’ve seen from him for a while so I may jump on that. He’s also into healthy eating so I may be able to use food to connect with him either by going out or maybe cooking together.

I have a DD too and found the distance that started in mid teens very hard to cope with emotionally. We had been so close previously and I found it so hard when she started turning to friends more.

It is so hard if you’re used to the closeness and you feel rejected in a way. Even though it’s completely healthy for them to change in this way x

The main thing I said was that I wouldn't tolerate disrespect, I understood sometimes things come out a bit snappy and I would just give a look. I know that they can be completely nice at school so they can do it at home too. They were however, helpful, unpacked shopping (mainly to see what had been bought) put things away, did their chores, cooked family meals or were sous chefs in the kitchen.

We had set times both during the week and on weekends when we were all together so that was meals, no phones, everyone talks about their day and general stiff. Also we watched tv shows with them and YouTube channels such as Tom Scott who does informative content. Watching things together gave us things to talk about too. We also played co-op board games where you all work together to win rather than one winner.

We also gave them a lot of time to do what they wanted by themselves too. I think when school becomes an issue then you talk about what you want for them. I said I wanted them to be able to afford headphones if theirs died, or if they broke their phone that they could afford to replace it, same with the latest gaming console or clothes.

We looked at jobs and salaries and houses on Rightmove with them. They understood mortgages and how much they could borrow, or how much local rents were. They also understood paying bills, utilities, council tax, insurance, broadband, yearly stuff. We also pointed out that when they sit their GCSEs they are competing with children at the best schools in the country, those with tutors and the grade curve. Just so they understood why it was important to do their best because that gives them more choices.

They really enjoyed the Rightmove searches and salaries part. They also did this in school as part of PSHE or whatever it is called now. They lucky dipped he jobs so some got well paid ones and others minimum wage jobs. £25k sounds like a shit load of money if you are living with your parents but the children realised how much they would lose of that to being an adult and having bills. It was one of the most fun lessons they had.

My sons are now young adults, they are lovely, kind, give hugs and are fun to be with. They do come back but you have to let them go a bit too and find their independence from you. It is normal sadly.

I came into the parenting board with exactly the same question/thoughts. 2 DSs, 13 and 16. I am all thumbs and left hands at the moment, trying to reconfigure myself into a Mum of teenagers, both of whom are in that withdrawal stage. Its really hard to walk the line of showing them that you are there, and giving them the space they need. I have joined the gym to give myself something to do in the early evenings when they are shut in their rooms, and husband is watching TV. It's really hard to know if they are withdrawing normally and will bounce back later, or if there is a genuine gap growing. I'm sure it's normal, but I miss the closeness so much! And trying to be somewhat "cool" about it. I'm taking my youngest shopping on the weekend, and I've bought tickets for he and I to go see a performance thing. I take my oldest driving (he's on his learners), but it's the chats that are few and far between. Thanks for all the wise words in this post x

I’ve had these phases with DC almost 17. We are pretty close right now. One thing - is there anything you both like doing. DC and I have often got a tv series on the go. He likes playing basketball in the garden. I go along with things to get the connection, however brief.