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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD (17) hardly ever invited to parties

7 replies

queenceleste · 07/05/2026 16:25

Frankly I am relieved in some ways because of the risks of unsupervised parties. There aren’t that many but she finds she’s not deemed a ‘core’ invitee despite having good friendship groups. A close friend didn’t invite her recently to a small joint ‘do’ as it was a shared one. This one was particularly painful I think.
I am trying to encourage her to think of the long term and friends she will make in the future. These friends do feel a bit like ‘fair weather’ ones. Popularity is a strange thing.
Any advice or useful experience to cheer her up gratefully received xxx

OP posts:
HollyhockDays · 07/05/2026 16:59

Are parties the main social activity? Does she go to the pub or other nights out?

DS didn’t really do the pub as he was young looking.

Does she suggest other nights out eg cinema or coffee or hanging out at your house?

Ponderingwindow · 07/05/2026 17:05

My 17yo has friends. None of them socialize by going to parties or drinking. It just isn’t the kind of thing they like doing. They go get a coffee or some ice cream. They go shopping, especially to book stores. They find odd activities like cat shows or modern art exhibits. Their lives are so much more interesting than parties.

DontReplyAll · 07/05/2026 17:08

Does she ever host parties? People tend to invite those who invited them.

Snorlaxo · 07/05/2026 17:10

My kids didn’t have friends who socialised by partying tbh. They did sleepovers when younger and did drink but not excessively. The teens I know are the same - I think that getting drunk and partying isn’t as common with Gen Z and it helps control the worry about drugs as well which could be more prevalent at parties.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/05/2026 17:23

Ponderingwindow · 07/05/2026 17:05

My 17yo has friends. None of them socialize by going to parties or drinking. It just isn’t the kind of thing they like doing. They go get a coffee or some ice cream. They go shopping, especially to book stores. They find odd activities like cat shows or modern art exhibits. Their lives are so much more interesting than parties.

They sound fab but that doesn't make them more interesting than those that like a party ... they're not mutually exclusive.

Tonissister · 07/05/2026 17:36

It's painful. No point in denying it. I think you are helping her by encouraging her to take the long view.

Right now, she has little control over who she is friends with. But soon, life will open up.

I encouraged DS to develop good social skills, to appreciate casual friendships for what they are while looking for deeper ones, to have at least three different places to find friends who he might gave lots in common with.

That last thing helped. He plays an instrument, so he joined a band, he signed up for some charity work and he started attending in-person meet ups from an online interest group. All three areas turned into close friendship groups, two of which are still strong, well into his twenties.

Encourage her to get involved with things she really cares about, outside of school.

There's no point pushing for deeper friendship with people who exclude her. She's better off quietly withdrawing and putting her energy elsewhere.

I recently had to work away from home in a place I knew no one. I tried to befriend people nearby but they made it clear that I was not wanted. I'm old enough not to take it personally and just trust nicer people would arrive. And they did. I ended up meeting some wonderful people but would have been unhappy trying to develop friendship with people who always made me feel like a hanger-on. Teach your daughter she is worthy of good friends and if these people are not behaving like good friends, it's them that are not worthy of her, not vice versa. Hard to believe at her age. But it's true.

queenceleste · 08/05/2026 10:40

She does have a lot of friends and does socialize but she has only been to one ‘classic’ house party and they do happen but I think fairly rarely and not held by her closest friends.

We are talking about her making more effort and investing in the warmest friends and being more socially proactive. This has already given her a fresh attitude I think .

Thank you for these messages- they have made me feel that it’s not uncommon.

The hardest thing for her is hearing her friends talking regularly about meeting up with her ex and she is perpetually excluded. They do seem a little insensitive but what can you do. I can’t remember being 17 but I am sure I was probably very self absorbed!

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