Advice on supporting 15-year-old who is self-harming

[Fatbadger50]

We've recently discovered 15yo DD is self-harming, and has been for a year. We are absolutely thrown, as there was no indication of her being unhappy, and no signs that we noticed. She is a high achiever, sociable, presents as extremely together, no SEND that we are aware of. We are a close family. I am flailing trying to get an appointment for her with a psychiatrist via private healthcare (been referred), and trying to work out how best to support her.

She reached out to us for help via letter, and hasn't told us much apart from it helps when she feels low.

Any advice would be very welcome. I feel like I can't trust my instincts, which is a horrible feeling.

You might benifit from more opinions by posting this on the mental health board. I think it's a very good sign that's she's told you and has asked for help. Given her age, is it GCSEs stress? Is it superficial cutting? If so some practical thoughts...

Accept what she says when you talk about it, be understanding, empathetic. Don't talk about it's impact on you. Keep everything focused on her. Don't blame or make her feel guilty or that she's misbehaving. Tell her you love her. Tell her you would like her to stop, accept her saying that she can't.

Talk to her about keeping herself healthy - making sure whatever she's using is clean, that she has plasters, antiseptic wipes etc.

Talk to her about alternatives, common advice is snapping an elastic band against your wrist if feeling pain is helpful. Or drawing (or temporary tattoo) something pretty where she cuts (eg a butterfly) when she feels well, so that she has an interuption in the thought process when she wants to cut when she's feeling low. Or talk to her about recognising the low feeling she has and doing something different with it eg talking to you, going outside, phoning a friend, headbanging to heavy metal. Whatever she would find to distract and help take her out of her feeling.

Restrict her access to anything that she can make a serious attempt of self harm/suicide with. Eg put the sharp kitchen knife and paracetamol in your locked car boot

A psychiatrist is not necessarily the right professional to see (I understand that's what's available on your insurance). They could possibly medicate her if she's anxious or depressed (but she's a child so might be very reluctant to perscribe antidepressants). But she said she feels low, medication can blunt the feeling, but not resolve the cause. Therapy does that. If she's wanting therapeutic help, I would recommend an ACP registered psychoanalytic psychotherapist. These are the only MH professions to be trained to a doctoral level to solely work with children. They work within the NHS/privately. If you wanted to investigate this option privately the website below has a search tool to find a local therapist.
https://childpsychotherapy.org.uk/home-1

You might want to start the ball rolling with a CAMHS referral via your GP

If she seriously hurts herself or says she wants to, take her to a&e

Thank you @ToSayYouHaveNoChoiceIsAFailureOfImagination your reply is tremendously helpful. I'll look into a psychoanalytic psychotherapist.

You have my sympathy.

Apart from the psychotherapist. I would say be there, be present, listen and feel with her; especially when she is struggling. Don’t leave her alone when you see her down; some kids need more help with emotional regulation, just listening to her, back massage, hug, etc.

Try to connect with her more. They are going through so much at thar age, and some just mask their feelings. I found this book helpful: The book you wish your parents had read.

Good luck