Aggressive teenager

[Trappedtrapped]

Help!

my 15 year old son has turned extremely aggressive and hostile to us parents over the last 6 weeks.

He blames us for all his problems fitting in socially- although it doesnt seem rational what he is saying.

He is using substances- THC is what i know of. He fell in with a bad peer group and then they seem to have turned on him and now he currently seems to have no friends and is blaming us.

He has stopped going to school- and was becoming unmanageable there anyway.

Verbally abusive to us - really bad language- thrashed his room - violently kicking everything. Screaming at us at the top of his lungs. We are mentally broken and trying to keep going. Its a nightmare.

He does not care about consequences including police. We have involved police and social services as he is not responding to any methods to control his behaviour. Nothing works. We knew how to parent him not so long ago and he was ‘normal’. He refuses all help. I feel he should be in a hospital but thats not an option- i’ve spoken to everyone I can think of for help.

I live now in a hyper vigilant way. On edge when he is in the house and on edge when he leaves.

he obviously has mental heath / substance abuse issues but wont accept help so we have to live like this.

This only started 6 weeks ago?

The reason I’m asking that is that I’m trying to understand that the bad peer group, school behaviour and now refusal, SS and police didn’t exist prior to that.

That before then everything was OK.

I think things were going the wrong direction since January but we were oblivious as he kept it hidden. Its not hidden anymore, at all. I think he fell in with a bad peer group and became one of them - before that he had nice friends but was maybe struggling to hold onto friends long term.

I'll bet my hat the "THC" is spice.

He needs to be arrested next time.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Whatever it is there is no real help unless he decides he wants help. So we have to live like this and i am really struggling. I never imagined- maybe foolishly- that our family would have these problems.

I have younger children who are already upset the police were at our house. But they likely will be again.

This happened in our family with our dd. No previous problems and never imagined it happening to us. Something v traumatic had happened to her and drugs were also later involved. Sorry i know how horrific it is and I don’t really have any advice. We did get ss involved. I wish we had tried to talk more as it was so extreme i was in shock and didn’t talk just did a lot of shouting back and it escalated things. That is all i would advise you can’t always manage his behaviour but you can manage yours.

I second that. Manage your own behaviour. Try not to react. Let him calm down. Hopefully this is a very short phase he is going through. You can support him by not antagonising him.

It’s difficult to do, but once he comes out the other end of it, however long it takes, there’s less bad blood between you all to recover quickly.

And no issues at all before then? School had raised no concerns? He was respectful, did his best in lessons, took part in family life?

Why do you think he struggled to hold onto friends? Did he have good friendships at primary school?

he always had friends- nice friends - but was never part of a big group and did not like sport. He did change friends every year or so from age 11 - maybe that was a sign of something.

the school mentioned lack of concentration and we were going to have him assessed for ADHD - but now he wont go along with this. It was only about 2 months ago the school said he was beginning to become defiant but there had been no issues with behaviour before.

This is all we have left - managing our reaction- not inflaming things. It is incredibly hard and I won’t be the same person after this.

Cannabis can trigger psychosis in those that are already predisposed. The high strength of THC could have done this. My brother suffered really badly at this age due to exactly this.

The best thing you can do is try and gently talk to him over the next few days and weeks, show him he is safe and loved and then over time try and encourage him to talk to someone to help him feel better again.

Will the school help you?

Such a hard situation

He might also be feeling lonely as he currently has no friends. He is using you as a punching bag to vent his anger. This happens a great deal during the teenage years. You take things out on those closest to you.

To combat the loneliness, or to show him you care and he doesn’t need to be alone, whenever you go out (for a walk, cinema, food etc..), invite him along. He’ll probably say no on most occasions, but the thought will go far). Teens hate to admit it but sometimes their best friends just have to be their parents for a while, while they work out their own social life (although don’t say this to him).

OK I suspected possible neurodivergence, and that your DS may have been masking up to that point. Or that maybe behaviour was possibly excused as ‘class clown’ or chatty. He’s probably very aware that he is different, struggling and the teen years can be brutal when you want acceptance from your peers as you naturally mature and pull away from your parents and seek independence.

Does he do any extracurricular either by himself or with you as a family? What are his interests/hobbies?

Have you read up about ADHD and how to parent a teen with ADHD? Might be worth posting on the SEN board to see if any help can be found there.

Consider family therapy even if he refuses to attend. It’ll give you support at a tough time.

No, you won’t be the same person. You’ll be stronger, sadder and more in control of yourself (bitter experience here). You’re in one of the loneliest places a parent can be in, especially because there’s such a glaring absence of support for struggling teens and their families, but the only thing you can do is keep taking it one day at a time. Keep pushing for support from every possible avenue. Keep control of your own reactions and don’t get drawn into matching his anger - be the firm fence he’s kicking against and keep offering connection and support whenever he will let you. Be absolutely clear, with him and with yourselves, what the red lines are in terms of him abusing you, and follow through - do call the police if he’s violent. Don’t sweat it about school at the moment, I know it’s awful but he can pick up his education later, and he’d only get himself excluded or arrested if he blew up there the way he does at home.

and please don’t be hard on yourself. This happens to good parents too, especially when drugs and friendship issues are in play. There are so many more influences on our kids than just us. Make sure you do stuff for yourself and take proper breaks from worrying about him, because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Can you take him away on holiday for two weeks (including half term) to give him a break from his friends and drug supply and to maybe get some one on one time with him? Possibly one parent (dad?) and him go alone, leave the other parent and kids at home to do school.