We have a 17 year old boy who is PDA, ADHD and has high anxiety. Struggled at school, very few friends, has felt isolated and alone since primary. However he is very talented in music and had a strong plan for the future (and the skills to back it up.) We felt confident he would achieve his goals and we have supported him selflessly - I even gave up my own career to support him.
We also have a 15 year old who is autistic but is really happy, doing well at school, has a small group of good friends, works hard and is excited for the future.
The older one has always struggled with the basics, and needs to be reminded to eat, sleep, clean teeth, wear fresh clothes etc. He has no sense of time and struggles with transport so we often have to get him up and out and drop him places.
He started college in September 2025 and within weeks he was pulling away from us. At first I thought this was a really good thing. I thought he would take more control of his life and himself. But it soon became apparent he wanted the freedom some of his older college friends had, but couldn't handle the responsibility. He began smoking, drinking heavily and using drugs. He wanted to go to all weekend parties - and we didn't say no, but we did set some rules about distance and being home by 2am. He didn't follow the rules, often disappearing and also getting himself in some really dangerous situations.
At the same time, he wasn't getting up in the morning, wasn't attending his classes, was getting into trouble at college and also falling out with friends. Within months he had completely collapsed mental health wise and had to be hospitalised. He was referred to CAMHS for regular therapy, and referred to an ALP for a more gentle education with a view of trying college again in September. At first he seemed happy with this, but as the weeks have gone on he has began, basically, rejecting the reality of life.
He would be up all night on his phone, smoking in his room which isn't allowed, stealing alcohol and also stealing prescription medication to use irresponsibly. In the mornings he couldn't get out of bed and would become verbally abusive if I tried to get him to engage with therapy or education. He began disappearing for days on end (spoiler alert: the police really don't care if a 17 year old goes missing) and not going to the things he was meant to go to. He started dating a new GF who lives with her older brother (no parents) who is a massive stoner. The GF goes to college every day on her own steam, and my son just sits with the brother smoking the day away. He now spends all his time there, rarely coming home - and we can't make him come home.
There is nothing we can do about it. He doesn't want to be around us because we are trying to support him to be in therapy and education. He has given up all his dreams. He says when he is 18 he will apply for all the benefits. For reference, we are a degree educated professional family who own our own home - and I have no problem with people who claim benefits. I am not judgemental, everyone has their own thing going on and both our kids have received DLA - benefits are there to help. But the attitude of 'I'll just claim benefits and party with my friends' is completely foreign to us. His small group of friends are recreational drug users and like a party, but they are also ambitious and are aiming for university. So it's unclear why he has this idea.
He is unable to respect the simple boundaries we have put in place to protect ourselves. For example, on a week night we ask him to be home no later than 11pm. He was regularly coming in at midnight, then 1am, then 2am on a Tuesday and I lost it with him and told him not to come home at all if it was going to be after 11pm - so now he doesn't come home. When he is here we ask him not to vape in the house. He consistently vapes in the house. He tried to hide it at first but now he just does it in front of us and when we remind him not to, he just says 'sorry' and carries on. So we started confiscating the vapes and guess what? He now doesn't come home because he can't vape in the house.
To protect ourselves, we have had to make a decision to step away. I am absolutely heartbroken. As well as being worried about his future, we had plans for the summer to have fun together. We had festival tickets, some gigs booked together, a holiday planned. And now none of it will happen. Not just because he won't want to be with us, but quite frankly I don't want to be with him either. Being in his presence just makes me angry. I am horrified by the person he has become.
I feel like he has died, and I don't know how to deal with it. He is a total stranger, and there is so little love between us now. It's eating me alive.