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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Can therapy help a teenager overcome bullying trauma and build self esteem?

20 replies

Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 06:46

Does therapy help to overcome trauma and build self steem?

DD15 has been having some therapy; it came to light that she was bullied at the end of primary school.

I remember she being so unhappy and wanting to change schools, she didn’t say exactly she was being bullied and as she never really liked school I couldn’t exactly know what the problem was. Instead I got her an EHCP which actually made mer more unhappy. She was diagnosed with a mild DLD; this is now being ceased as she doesn’t need it.

I have so much parental guilt that I never truly listened to her and let my fears and worries take control.

How do I help her build confidence and self steam? I have realised I have raised her with lots of fear and anxiety. She is not academic but she is a bright and capable girl, kind, respectful, speaks her mind.

OP posts:
JetFlight · 30/04/2026 06:57

It can but self esteem is built through feeling valued, competent and confident in every day life. Things like extra curricular activities, chores and volunteering all help too.
How is she at school now? Does she have friends?

RainbowLife · 30/04/2026 07:05

I wonder if you would find Phillipa Perry's books useful as a way to give yourself some encouragement and 'bibliotherapy'

The Book you wish your Parents had Read

and The Book you want Everyone you Love to Read

Having some counselling yourself could help but it's expensive and not necessarily convenient. I listened to Phillipa Perry read her books on Audible and found that good.

I had a tough time as a teenager, I'm old now. Your daughter sounds so lovely. It's not easy because why wouldn't you want to make things better for her quickly but the very most helpful thing might be listening to her now and being with her, even doing things to improve your listening skills. Being there for her while she walks through this difficult time and works out what is helpful to her.

I do wish you both all the very best.

Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 07:06

JetFlight · 30/04/2026 06:57

It can but self esteem is built through feeling valued, competent and confident in every day life. Things like extra curricular activities, chores and volunteering all help too.
How is she at school now? Does she have friends?

Thank you.

She has friends, goes out, go to the gym, likes fashion.

School-wise, she goes but doesn’t enjoy all the academic work; doesn’t do much work outside school. Seems to have given up a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 07:07

RainbowLife · 30/04/2026 07:05

I wonder if you would find Phillipa Perry's books useful as a way to give yourself some encouragement and 'bibliotherapy'

The Book you wish your Parents had Read

and The Book you want Everyone you Love to Read

Having some counselling yourself could help but it's expensive and not necessarily convenient. I listened to Phillipa Perry read her books on Audible and found that good.

I had a tough time as a teenager, I'm old now. Your daughter sounds so lovely. It's not easy because why wouldn't you want to make things better for her quickly but the very most helpful thing might be listening to her now and being with her, even doing things to improve your listening skills. Being there for her while she walks through this difficult time and works out what is helpful to her.

I do wish you both all the very best.

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:
JetFlight · 30/04/2026 07:14

Is it mainly school work you’re worried about? She may be feeling overwhelmed and need help to get back on track.

Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 07:31

JetFlight · 30/04/2026 07:14

Is it mainly school work you’re worried about? She may be feeling overwhelmed and need help to get back on track.

Mostly; she can get a bit negative, saying she is not going to pass anyway; no trying with homework. Also, she is quite self conscious about her appearance which is probably related to the bullying she had in the past.

I think she is also tired and drain from school, they are making some adjustments; but basically I think she is a bit exhausted and feeling a bit of pressure with GCSE.

I hope she does feel valued at home. I am trying to encourage, motivate her, listen to her more. Be there for her and she gave me a lovely mother day card: saying thank you for all the support, guidance and wisdom throughout the years.

I have always been there for her but I feel zi should have trusted her, listened to her and believe in her more; but because of the struggles she had at school I feel I sheltered her a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 08:18

RainbowLife · 30/04/2026 07:05

I wonder if you would find Phillipa Perry's books useful as a way to give yourself some encouragement and 'bibliotherapy'

The Book you wish your Parents had Read

and The Book you want Everyone you Love to Read

Having some counselling yourself could help but it's expensive and not necessarily convenient. I listened to Phillipa Perry read her books on Audible and found that good.

I had a tough time as a teenager, I'm old now. Your daughter sounds so lovely. It's not easy because why wouldn't you want to make things better for her quickly but the very most helpful thing might be listening to her now and being with her, even doing things to improve your listening skills. Being there for her while she walks through this difficult time and works out what is helpful to her.

I do wish you both all the very best.

Edited

I have purchased the book. Thank you

OP posts:
RainbowLife · 30/04/2026 08:47

None of us can avoid all suffering and adversity. With your great love for each other surely you have the best chance to endure this difficult time, perhaps gain something - but even if not - emerge into better days. 🌸☀️🌸

Glitching · 30/04/2026 08:54

I am sorry that your DD was bullied and understand the long term effects that can have (one of my DSs also bullied) so I don't want to minimise that. However, a lot of what you describe can also be the 'normal' stress and pressure of GCSEs that many of year 11s are going through at the moment, they are exhausted and fed up and the whole process of constant mocks, tests and revising is draining, mentally and physically. Add to that the mental pressure from finishing school and figuring out what they want to do with their lives, if their grades are going to be good enough for that, and no wonder lots of them feel like giving up altogether. You are doing all the right things in supporting her and she values that. What plans does she have after GCSEs? My DS had an awful time in high school and was bullied throughout so talking about the life after GCSEs, as well as all the usual things like sleep, good food, exercise and so on, helped to deal with the stress and low feelings.

Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 08:54

RainbowLife · 30/04/2026 08:47

None of us can avoid all suffering and adversity. With your great love for each other surely you have the best chance to endure this difficult time, perhaps gain something - but even if not - emerge into better days. 🌸☀️🌸

Edited

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 08:57

Glitching · 30/04/2026 08:54

I am sorry that your DD was bullied and understand the long term effects that can have (one of my DSs also bullied) so I don't want to minimise that. However, a lot of what you describe can also be the 'normal' stress and pressure of GCSEs that many of year 11s are going through at the moment, they are exhausted and fed up and the whole process of constant mocks, tests and revising is draining, mentally and physically. Add to that the mental pressure from finishing school and figuring out what they want to do with their lives, if their grades are going to be good enough for that, and no wonder lots of them feel like giving up altogether. You are doing all the right things in supporting her and she values that. What plans does she have after GCSEs? My DS had an awful time in high school and was bullied throughout so talking about the life after GCSEs, as well as all the usual things like sleep, good food, exercise and so on, helped to deal with the stress and low feelings.

This is true; things are worse at the moment. There are days she doesn’t want to go to school, do the tutor homework. I encourage and motivate her but can’t drag her o force her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 09:00

She wants to go to college. Basically I just want her to pass 4 or 5 GCSES including English and Maths and good attendance

OP posts:
ToSayYouHaveNoChoiceIsAFailureOfImagination · 30/04/2026 09:16

I have realised I have raised her with lots of fear and anxiety

More than the "average" teen feels? Do you feel that you carry a weight of fear and anxiety too? If so, could you acknowledge this to her and work on this together?

The self help version would be that confidence and self esteem can come from feeling mastery at something. Anything at all. It's a feeling that you can take with you from one aspect of your life to another. Pick a hobby, or a volunteering opportunity, a craft, a type of sport. Anything, just something that makes you feel good and something you can improve at along the way.

The get professional help version is therapy, but you'd want psychoanalytic therapy rather than congnative types (so not cbt or dbt) to develop self esteem and confidence. Family therapy might suit you both very well.

I have always been there for her but I feel zi should have trusted her, listened to her and believe in her more
Say this to her. Say sorry to her and try to let your guilt go. Focus on using the memory of how the guilt feels to make positive changes going forward. Use it for good. But try very hard not to live in that guilt now. You did the best you could do at the time with the knowledge that you had.

Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 10:11

Thank you and yes; I have said sorry I didn’t listen and trust her more. The experience has taught me a lot and I am changing my behaviour too towards her.

OP posts:
JetFlight · 30/04/2026 17:46

If she’s having therapy, then let her carry on. It will help.
meanwhile, you help with practical stuff.
Invite her to have a chat and talk about what’s actually going on with school. What she’s overwhelmed with, which subjects does she want to do well with, ask her if she’s willing to put a bit of effort in.
If she is, come back on mumsnet and find out some good strategies for catching up/revision per subject.
There are some excellent websites for pretty much everything that feels less like a hard slog.
YouTube is full of gcse content that will make topics easier to understand.

Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 17:52

JetFlight · 30/04/2026 17:46

If she’s having therapy, then let her carry on. It will help.
meanwhile, you help with practical stuff.
Invite her to have a chat and talk about what’s actually going on with school. What she’s overwhelmed with, which subjects does she want to do well with, ask her if she’s willing to put a bit of effort in.
If she is, come back on mumsnet and find out some good strategies for catching up/revision per subject.
There are some excellent websites for pretty much everything that feels less like a hard slog.
YouTube is full of gcse content that will make topics easier to understand.

Thank you. We are focusing on English and maths. If you can share any links that would be great.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenleavestree · 30/04/2026 17:54

She dropped one subject that was causing her lots of stress.

OP posts:
JetFlight · 30/04/2026 22:01

Science - FreeScienceLessons
Maths - Corbettmaths
English - Mr Salles and/or Mr Bruff

bbcbitesize and Seneca learning are good websites for some basics and to get a good intro.

Original poster
Greenleavestree · 01/05/2026 06:30

JetFlight · 30/04/2026 22:01

Science - FreeScienceLessons
Maths - Corbettmaths
English - Mr Salles and/or Mr Bruff

bbcbitesize and Seneca learning are good websites for some basics and to get a good intro.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenleavestree · 02/05/2026 06:41

RainbowLife · 30/04/2026 07:05

I wonder if you would find Phillipa Perry's books useful as a way to give yourself some encouragement and 'bibliotherapy'

The Book you wish your Parents had Read

and The Book you want Everyone you Love to Read

Having some counselling yourself could help but it's expensive and not necessarily convenient. I listened to Phillipa Perry read her books on Audible and found that good.

I had a tough time as a teenager, I'm old now. Your daughter sounds so lovely. It's not easy because why wouldn't you want to make things better for her quickly but the very most helpful thing might be listening to her now and being with her, even doing things to improve your listening skills. Being there for her while she walks through this difficult time and works out what is helpful to her.

I do wish you both all the very best.

Edited

This book hit the spot. Thank you; wish I read it earlier.

I certainly carry more anxiety with her but I have realised is due to my own feelings and being uncomfortable with emotions and feeling like I need to make everyone happy and fix things.

DD1 is a bit more like her dad, more rational so doesn’t awake those feelings as often; while DD2 is more emotional and sensitive; a bit more like me.

OP posts:
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