It’s not easy op. And it sounds to me like you are doing everything right. Except, as you have already identified, that you are identifying so much with your DD’s struggles, and worrying so much about them, that it is affecting your own physical and mh now, and it won’t really help her if you get worn down too,
I know this is really hard and I well remember that awful feeling of constantly walking on eggshells wondering when the next explosion will be. But now this has started to affect you the way it has, you need to draw some boundaries and protect yourself a bit and take this as a catalyst to look after yourself better and reach out for support if you can.
The Young Minds website is a good place to start. And the website and books of Lisa Damour; you may have already read Untangled?
You can validate and be sympathetic, but you can also draw a line op. You mustn’t become her kicking board! You are allowed to step back and walk away when it gets too bad. Tell her that you will listen, but only when she has calmed herself a little, If you have a dog, just waking around the block with them and coming back again can be helpful!
You have read the books on the plasticity of the teenage brain which is what I was going to suggest; so you know that adolescence is a normal process and this information should help you to step back and not take her behaviour or outbursts personally.
Ironically, you are getting it in the neck because you are her safe person and the person she loves most in the world. And it sounds as though she is loading you up with with the emotional hot potatoes that she can’t currently carry. But don’t take on too many op. You are only human. The idea is to hand them back eventually and teach her how to handle them,
It’s not fair on you and very wearing, but you are right about her needing you to be a strong calm granite steady rock that she can tether herself to while she thrashes about at the end of the rope, before cutting the umbilical cord releasing her from this stable base so she can swim away towards adulthood.
So the key to this is protecting your own well being and mh. Getting yourself some therapy or confiding in a discreet friend or family member. Getting a baby-sitter and taking yourself out one night a week. Exercising, eating well, and paying attention to your sleep as far as this is all possible with a toddler. You must eat dinner! You getting physically and mentally unwell will not help your child at all. Maybe starting a hobby that gets you out of your own head eg joining a choir or a running club or something that requires getting in to the zone.
I think teens sub-consciously test us in some ways to gauge how well we react under stress, so they know conditions are safe to start launching themselves off in to the wider world. So you are her canary down the mine so to speak! And it’s not a pleasant feeling.
Invite your friends in to your home. Maybe invite over other mothers with teens who understand? Invite family members. Don’t get locked in to an intense crocodile roll with your daughter in other words. Bring other elements in to your home. Come up for air from time to time! Where is her dad in all of this? Can he help more?
Finally op, have you considered why her emotions are quite so raw and extreme? I am going to throw the ASD suggestion in to the pot because the not sleeping at night made me think of my own dd who is autistic and who really put me through the mill during her teen years. It’s something to consider. Is part of the reason why she hates school so much because it is an overwhelming environment for her with too many sensory stimuli? What are the issues at school specifically?
Lastly, don’t fall in to the trap of thinking that you are failing her as a parent, because just by being there, and loving her, during this tumultuous roller coaster of a time, you are already helping her and remember, this is a phase, and things will improve eventually! But it’s a marathon not a sprint, so keep yourself fit and well to run the distance!
💐💐💐