How much freedom is reasonable for a 16-17 year-old's first relationship?

[KatyWG]

Daughter is 17 in 2 days, she has just started a relationship with a 19 year old guy from her work. She has been very open and honest, telling me about him from the start and is very excited to have her first ever relationship! We've met him and he seems nice but he's had relationships before, he goes to pubs and clubs whereas our daughter is still 16 and inexperienced.
How do you decide the rules? I'm not naive, I know she's a young woman, about to start driving lessons and she has a job and is quite grown up- I was sexually active by that age and I know chances are she will be soon too if not already.
She keeps asking if he can stay the night, I let him stay in the spare room when he had fallen out with his mum but did insist he stayed downstairs as it's early days and I have 2 younger kids. Anyway she now wants to stay at his house this weekend. We don't know his family or what they are like, we barely know him and it feels like I should be setting rules but don't want to push her away or end up with them sneaking around.
We've discussed contraception and how it's important to not be together 24/7 and lose tough with everyone and everything else but I just don't know how strict to be. At 17 she can do what she wants really but I feel we should still be able to have house rules?

Not a chapter I was prepared for ! Don't want to encourage sexual behaviour but don't want to be naive and think she's not a young woman now. Stressed!

I think at that age you have to let her make her own choices and support her to keep her own boundaries.

If you very had lots of conversations about contraception, consent, respect and boundaries then this is the moment to let her move at the pace she chooses.

You can choose bit to let them share a room or bed at your house - it is your home and you have younger dc etc, but I really don't think you can or should dictate where and when she spends time with him elsewhere.

The end goal is for her to be able to talk to you if and when things go wrong or she has worries or concerns. Just saying no to her seeing him will not and your relationship with her.

What rules do you want to set?

I don’t think you can control what she does outside your house

I think 16 and 19 is quite a big age difference at that age. Im not sure I’d be encouraging it tbh, the fallout with his mum is another red flag tbh.

I would point blank ask will you sleep in his bed, and if so do you feel 100% certain that he won’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do and that if you said stop to anything at all he’d respect that, and you’d be able to say it. If so then I’d say ok you can stay.
id also tell her that she can call me at anytime and if she feels uncomfortable, which is quite common in new relationships, you’ll come and collect her or send an uber to bring her home and you won’t harass her about why.

Yes I would note that - if his reaction to a disagreement is to storm off and ignore his mum (stonewalling) your daughter will be certain to be on the receiving end of that.

Have the conversations about contraception and boundaries, then I think you need to leave her to it. I do not think the “age gap” is an issue at all - it’s 2 years and boys mature so much slower than girls. Nor do I think him having a row with his mum is an issue, what teenager doesn’t row with their parents?
To be blunt, if you try and stop her staying over, they will be…doing things else where. Give her all the information and all the tools to protect herself then let her choose.

It's 17 and 19. She turned 17 two days after the original post.