I’m looking for advice on a friendship situation that has turned out to be deeply worrying fairly quickly. For background information dd is an only child and her dad (my DH) killed himself last summer.
Dd started secondary this year. About half the kids are from her old (huge) primary school and the other half are from different schools.
Initially dd hung round with her old friends - then started widening the circle with children from other schools before starting a really intense friendship with a girl who she was at Primary school with although in a different class.
Dd has always been popular enough. Shes had the usual friendships issues, but she always had friends and she tends to have a fairly diverse collection of people she’s friendly with. I’d say she’s always been fairly desperate for a best friend and the ones she’s had previously probably lacked that intense closeness she craved.
Anyway - she’s currently got that with this girl. I’ll call her Sara. Sara is very grown up, clever and fun. On this level I can see why Dd is attracted to her. She is also VERY into boys (and has only really had male friendships before from what I can tell), talks about sex a lot, doesn’t care much about school and claims a lot of drama in her life that doesn’t really add up. Shes got a boyfriend who sounds fairly misogynistic and talks horribly about some of the other girls in the year. I’ll admit I was worried about the friendship almost immediately. I don’t think Sara is very nice deep down. I think she is manipulative and two faced. Dd lost her father to suicide less that a year ago and understandably life is tricky for her and she is vulnerable. I know I can’t ban particular friendships, but I’ve been so anxious especially as this friendship has provided dd with an intense emotional bond that she obviously craves. I can see it’s not healthy (at best I think it codependent) but to DD it obviously feels like she’s getting everything she needs. I’ve had a few other parents confirm my misgivings about Sara too.
Last year at primary there was a very nasty ongoing bullying situation with one of the boys (not in dds class). Lots of incredibly unpleasant anonymous online attacks. The content was totally shocking and above and beyond usual year 6 nastiness. It never fully got resolved or proved who it was. I think there were rumours it was one of two boys who were responsible. About a week ago I had a horrible feeling it might have been Sara’s boyfriend (not one of the rumoured 2) and I mentioned this to Dd in conversation. Dd went pale and agreed this could be likely. We spoke about how it was probably best for dd to be wary of this boy - this being one of several reasons why.
Anyway yesterday dd was talking to Sara and asked her if she thought her BF might have been responsible. To DDs horror, Sara admitted that she knew it wasn’t her boyfriend - because it was her! Dd was absolutely horrified. Sara said she felt awful about it but also tried to justify her actions. I know dd told her how disgusting it was. I don’t think they argued. They just talked about it.
Dd told me pretty much straight away. And now she doesn’t what to do. She wants to tell the boys mum, but is also scared. She both wishes that she didn’t know, as well as wishing she had found out before she became friends with Sara. She says she would have wanted nothing to do with her but feels it isn’t that simple now. She feels responsibility towards Saras wellbeing as she has (rightly or wrongly) fallen hook line and sinker for Sara’s stories up till now. We spoke about how dd needs to protect herself.
She went off to school this morning and we didn’t talk about it before she left. As far as I know she don’t have a plan for what she was going to say to Sara. I’m at a loss for what to do. I feel so sad for dd that this friend that she was so close to has turned out to be as I feared, but I’m also worried that dd is emotionally too needy to dis-attach herself from her easily. I am fearful that any friendship with this girl is going to be unhealthy for dd one way or another - and that’s the last thing she needs whilst also dealing with her own bereavement.