Mental health, A levels stress.....

[Sann27]

Sorry. Long post .......
DD is 18, struggling with mental health. Was diagnosed with coeliac disease 3 years ago and although she is brilliant at following gluten free diet she hates being ' different ' - not able to eat what she likes, or going out spontaneously with friends and picking up food, having to explain to people and question ' safe ' options on menus etc
She's also suffered with mental health - gets very sad. Has had counselling via GP , they said it was mild depression, offered CBT, she hasn't found it that helpful. She's also been self harming - cutting her arms for almost a year. She's had periods of not doing it, but a levels are looming and she's doing it again. Mocks didn't go that well and she wouldn't get into uni with the grades she got. She is completely scared - at the thought of A levels, of going to uni, of not going to uni, of her friends all going away.... .and I totally get it. The huge change coming and the unknown is really worrying her. Add into all this a lack of confidence and self belief - the only girl in her friends never to have a boyfriend, although she has several good male friends. The boy she's been secretly in love with and good friends with for a year has just started dating someone else...another huge blow to her confidence. ' What's wrong with me? Why do i never get chosen' And I honestly don't know why - she is pretty, funny, so kind, always there for everyone else, but really doesn't like herself at all. I know it's such a difficult age, but honestly it breaks my heart to see her like this. Seeking advice, support, positive stories on teen mental health, self harm, coeliac, broken hearts......any words of wisdom from mum's who have experienced the heartbreak of seeing their beautiful teens really go through it and never seemingly getting a break....( I am trying to keep strong but increasingly just sob about her and wonder how i can help her whenever she isn't home.) Thank you x

Foundation years can be a way to get into uni with lower grades. I've a friend whose child went to Sussex via this route.
Alternatively there are retakes.
There is a gap year after A levels to rethink pathways

As for romantic partners at that age it is all FoMO (fear of missing out) ...my daughter has plenty of friends with no boyfriend and my sons the same with no girlfriend so if you can remind her that for some people it is not a given to have a partner till later on. 19, 21, 25..?

I think often is perceived failure in comparison to others. Try and remind her that you set your own goals and comparisons are odious.

Vitamin d deficiency is a very real possibility in teens.

My three have all got through the teen years with blips, and mediocre academics in one case but come through with no self harm and moderate self esteem and I hope belief in their own interests and goals beyond what others think of them although the opinions of others are naturally incredibly important to them.

And I would add that all of mine want partners but do not yet have them and it is fine...friendships build them for future success

Did they check for any other deficiencies etc? As could be low on some if restricted diet

I share your pain.
3 week to first a level exam and I’m not convinced that dd will be on a position to even sit the exams.
so sad as she has struggled with low self confidence and social anxiety for several years but excelling academically has always been the thing that got her through the tough times. However, she is desperately sad as she hasn’t the close friendship group she craves, hasn’t had a boyfriend (although was asks out several months ago), is finding one of her a level subjects a struggle and isn’t clear about what she wants to do as a career. She has some wonderful offers for uni but I’m not convinced that she really is ready even if her results are what she needs.
thankfully she doesn’t self harm but she has spent most of the weekend in bed and often refuses to speak to us. Sh just lies in bed turned away from us if we go into her room. She seems to have lost her spark and I just want my daughter back.
I constantly look at forums for positive posts to try to give me hope for the future…

Mixednuts123 - we seem to be in a similar situation! My DD also finds one of her A levels a struggle and regrets choosing it. She has good uni offers but I really don't know if she will get what she needs or, like you, if she does if she is really ready for uni whilst her mental health is not good. We do have communication thankfully, although it's definitely on her terms and there are definitely days when it's very clear she is in ' do not approach ' mode. She works p/t so has to get out of bed at weekends but does spend most of her time when home in her room. She isn't doing much revision though she says she tries, but just doesn't have the motivation. Just like your daughter I feel mine has lost her spark - let's hope they both find it again ❤️ clearly as we are both posting and searching on sites for help and advice they have great supportive mums who just want their girls to be happy . Sending a hug to you xx

Bless you… at least know you aren’t alone.
feel free to post again on here and we’ll get through it together xxx

Really sorry you are both dealing with this, it sounds like a lot has come together for her at once.

It may help to speak to her college about formal support for A-levels (extra time, breaks, separate room, even discussing alternative plans) so the pressure feels a bit more manageable.

It sounds a really tough time for her - I think all you can do is model resilience for her - tell her again and again that every single age and stage of life contains possibilities - that if she fails, she just picks herself up on a new route, does things again, tries a new avenue.

Life is full of disappointments - you can't protect her from them. A lot of this while painful for her sounds very normal - I remember completely freaking out at my terrible A level mocks ( I got what I needed in the end - I also didn't get my first choice uni but was very happy at the one I ended up at)

being in love/ not finding who you want/ getting hurt - it's just teen life - painful as it is to watch.

Reassure her life is a long journey - I'm not suggesting you are doing this but if you are crying over it she may pick up on your anxiety as well - lots of happy adults had some very unhappy teen years.

I can't help with the self harm or coeliac but can offer a positive broken heart story - my DD was always the third wheel of her friends - no boys ever showed an interest in her and the only one she really liked and trusted in 6th form started dating her best friend - but she went off to uni and within a matter of weeks, she was in what's proved to be a very steady and caring relationship with the most handsome, intelligent and thoroughly decent & lovely young man. So it does happen.

A-level year is a really horrible & stressful year for everyone, the kids AND their parents! I hated my own and I hated my kids'. Keep your eyes on the prize that it will all be over in about 8 weeks. Then a summer of freedom and hopefully some adventures ahead. She'll probably be fine once her plans go Sept have more certainty, even if she doesn't quite get the grades of her preferred choices. As others have said, a Foundation here is sometimes an option as universities are very keen to get bums on seats. Or maybe there is a plan B out there.

Bezaz - thank you so much for taking time to write such positive words. Hearing things like this and others experiences really does help 😀

Sounds like serious mental health issues that are being ignored since she is actively self harming and is also struggling with the fallout from the diagnosis of what is a serious, life long chronic condition. I’ve met people who needed glasses for the first time in their 50s who were derailed into depression over what is a very common, much less serious thing physically. It’s the emotional fallout that counts. She is in deep distress, just like these older people who for them the needing glasses due to AGE is driving home their mortality and causing anxiety about dying.

Depression comes with fatigue, task paralysis, and self loathing.

It is not a lack of motivation.

Any adult would be told to sign off sick for a bit to prioritise their health- both the life adjustment to something so serious and the mental health fallout from it.

You cannot expect some kind of success story will motivate her to do better. When someone is depressed being told oh this person did x,y,a and they got better. Or look at this person with your disability who is doing amazing after being in the same situation as you. When you are depressed and she is more than mildly I would hazard given the self harm, this makes you feel even worse not better.

A levels and a weekend job is the equivalent of working more than full time.

My advice is remove as much pressure as possible. Unless she gets incredible joy from the job or has no intention of going to Uni, tell her to quit. It is already on her CV she can stop work to focus in her A level exams. Stopping the job now will not affect future job prospects. She needs down time. Listen to her issues, keep reassuring her that menu checking is perfectly normal even for people who have dietary limits due to religion or ethics. She should not feel at all embarrassed. Perhaps the entire household should go gluten free too in solidarity for a bit. Make her not feel the odd one out all the time.

If that does not help, then start thinking about her sitting only 1 or 2 A level exams and perhaps taking 1 A level next year in a gap year before Uni. Or take a foundation year.

You can’t push through everything, and it sounds like she is about to hit her wall. If that happens, she may have to take a break for much longer doing next to nothing except focussing on her health and recovery from depression.

It’s so hard. My daughter has coeliac too. The exclusion element of the disease is tough and not really talked about much. Some kids used it as a way to exclude too.

She also struggled with the stress of A levels and y13. After a very fraught summer she got much better grades than she had feared and went onto uni. We were apprehensive but she wanted to try. After much discussion she chose a smaller fully self catered one and she’s so happy there. She now has a large group of friends and a lovely boyfriend whose family are really inclusive and understanding about her coeliac to the extent that they have bought a separate toaster for when she stays. It’s a rocky road but I hope this gives you some hope things can work out. If you want to pm me about uni choices etc please do.