Anyone else’s 17yo struggle with friendships at sixth form?

[MrsAlligator]

I’m looking for a bit of reassurance or perspective really. My daughter is in sixth form and doesn’t seem to have any real friendship group at the moment. Most of the year group are from the same secondary school she went to, but her old friendship group have drifted and now spend time with a girl who previously bullied her, so she understandably keeps her distance.

She has a part-time job, plays sport and goes to the gym, so she’s not isolated as such, but socially it feels like she’s a bit on the outside. She often seems to be left out of plans and it’s really affecting her confidence.

She also has a boyfriend, but if I’m honest he seems quite low effort (rarely makes plans, a bit last minute), so I don’t feel like that’s giving her much of a boost either.

She says sixth form can be quite cliquey and hard to break into, and I wonder how common that is? Did anyone else’s child go through something similar at this age?

I think I’m also worrying ahead a bit as she’s unlikely to go to university, so I’m concerned about how her social life might develop longer term.

Would really appreciate any experiences or reassurance — it’s hard seeing her a bit down when she’s such a kind girl.

I would totally back off from talking about/asking about friendships.

It sounds like she’s functioning great in lots of other aspects and she’s probably self aware enough to know friendships aren’t great but there’s little she can do about it.

Spend time with her doing nice stuff, like cinema trips and walks. Encourage her to keep putting herself out there with other things - sport, part time job, volunteering, new hobby - and she’ll find her tribe.

Thanks @MinimumRage, I don’t mention anything about friendship groups. We try and do lots of nice things with her and she goes to parties but I sense she’s feeling a bit low. Lots of people seem to meet friends at university and that’s just not a route she wants to go so I’m a bit worried that it won’t get better. I think she’s also backed off a bit because she’s been let down by friends.

I could’ve written this exact post about DD at that age. Similar story.. stayed on at the same school for sixth form, within the first few months she majorly drifted from her old group as they were friendly with the girl that bullied her. After this the cliques were set in stone and she really struggled - despite having a select few close friends (thank god) she never had a proper group again, never got invited out to many activities and felt very much like an outsider. If I’m honest DD’s mental health really suffered and she didn’t finish sixth form - I tried my best to support her but it was just an awful time, theres no replacement for proper friends in my opinion. In the meantime she started working and met a few great friends there, alongside others through travelling and sport. Went back to college a few years later to complete an access course and the difference in her is night and day. Now planning on heading off to uni next year (no way she would’ve had the confidence for this at 17/18!).

My dd doesn’t have this issue. I do, however, feel sorry for the girl she kind of left behind. I can’t say anything to dd as she was too ill to be aware of what she did. Dd was never great friends with her, but she was part of the larger friendship group and she and dd were the only 2, who stayed. As for the girl, she’s gone on to find other friends. It did take her a while from what dd said… I asked and tried to encourage dd to hang with the girl a little, but it didn’t happen. If you discover your dd is really struggling too much, changing courses / institutions may be an option. I think they have 3 years to complete this stage.

My DD also 17 is going through something very similar in sixth form. The girls seem to have formed cliques and to be honest I think she would prefer not to be part of them as they seem very toxic. Her friendship group she has had from year 7 has become like this. It’s good your DD has a part time job and has some outside interests. I can’t really offer any advice other than continue to encourage her and be there for when she wants to talk. I remember myself when I was in sixth form struggling in the same way.

@Blueeberry, it sounds like your daughter had a horrible time. I’m so sorry. It’s brilliant to hear she’s moving forward with her life and hopefully better experiences override what she went in Sixth form.

@Mummyoflittledragon, it’s kind that you tried to encourage your dd to include the other girl. With the “be kind” movement it feels some teenage girls didn’t get the memo and can be quite mean. Some personalities just don’t gel and some girls it seems are just horrible.

@Luluco, sorry your dd is in the same situation. My dd has found that there is so many cliques and they’re so hard to break into it. Like you have to be invited. The girls also seem very toxic and put each other down along with bitching about other girls and my dd really doesn’t want to get involved in being mean to other people. It’s just awful having to sit and watch them go through it whilst they feel so lonely.

Another mum with an 18 dd with similar issues.
Sh moved to a large college for a levels thinking this would be a new start with lots of opportunities for friendships. Initially it was ok with her reconnecting with some people she was friends with several years ago and a slightly expanding friendship circle. However it didn’t last long when one of the boys started to show romantic feelings for her and this wasn’t reciprocated and the friendship circle fractured. Her social anxiety is still an issue and she feels unseen and unpopular.
I keep trying to support her and she has started medication so just hoping brighter days are around the corner.

My daughter went through a horrible time at sixth form. The friends she had been with since Year 7, including one she’d known since age 4, suddenly started to exclude her. It was nasty, bullying behaviour.

A particular low point was her 17th birthday. She had invited them round and I think had hoped that it would be a way to get back into the group, but after initially accepting, one by one they all started to drop out with feeble excuses. She had to cancel it and then was devastated when they all met up (on what would have been the night of her party) and posted on social media, knowing of course that she would see the photos.

It had a terrible impact on her mental health and she became very anxious at school, with constant stomach pains, nausea and even panic attacks. Her attendance dropped below 50% and I was worried that she would drop out.

There is a happy ending though - one lovely girl in her form scooped her up and through her she met a whole new set of friends. She ended up having a fantastic summer after A Levels, unlike her previous friendship group who all fell out and didn’t seem to do much.

She’s now on a gap year. She reapplied to university as she exceeded her predicted grades, got a job, met her boyfriend who she is now travelling though SE Asia with, having the absolute time of her life.

So, I supposed the point of this post is to say that I know how difficult it can be, but they will find their tribe eventually, and that teenage girls can be AWFUL (and some, so lovely!). Good luck to your DS. It does seem to be very common in sixth form unfortunately fir friendships to splinter and cliques to form.