Social life at 13

[opalescent]

Can anyone reassure me? My 13 year old (year 8 ) son is happy at school, and has lots of mates. He has not developed much of an interest in socialising outside school though. He’s done the odd thing, but mainly enjoys being at home. He plays football on weeknights and Saturdays, and we often swim or go to the gym. We have a big family, with cousins etc popping in regularly. He is warm and fun, and enjoys family time.

I think his current social needs are met by his lifestyle, but he worries often that he should be doing more with mates, and wanting to hang out with people outside school. I can see though, that’s he is reluctant, and feels like he ‘should be’, rather than actually wanting to.

What age did your boys start going out and seeing school friends regularly outside of school? I’m sure this will be a spectrum, and would be reassured if others have been late bloomers in this respect. I tell him often that he will be ready for this in his own time, and we love that he still enjoys time with us.

Thanks all 😊

My son didn't really do much socialising in y8, it was mainly through online gaming. By the end of y9 they began to meet up with friends and now he is nearing the end if y11 he is always arranging days out with friends.

I have 3 boys - late teens, early 20’s. They are all really social but none of them used to go out that much at 13. I think partly they were a bit rubbish about actually communicating and making arrangements at that age and partly they weren’t that bothered. One was out a lot at about 15 but the other two not really until more like 16.

Thank you both- very good to hear!

Year 8 little socialising other than online.
Year 9 a bit after school
Year 10 some start to
Year 11 they start properly
In my experience
and all their mates are very local

I have a 13yo dd and she is also not that fussed about socialising. She has a good group of friends at school but has only been out at a weekend shopping with them twice since Sept. She’s never bothered about having anyone round and when I suggest she meets up with anyone she just can’t be bothered.

Mine is 14 and in year 10 and he chats a lot with friends on WhatsApp but doesn’t go out much. They don’t seem to get around to arranging meet-ups but are too old for parents to do it. (But when parents organise birthday meet ups, it actually happens)! I’ve worried about it in the past, but seems like it’s quite normal.

Mine started to socialise outside school in year 9 and then it ramped up a lot in year 10 and 11.

My DD is yr 9 and hardly socialises, and spends a lot of time in her room.
Through yr 7 and 8 she had a lot of ups and downs with friendships but did go to friends houses and friends came here and went to town etc.. but it just kind of stopped.
I try and speak to her about it but she says she’s never invited anywhere although I know she’s not great at making the effort herself.
She’s always flittered around with friendships and has often found herself on the outside a lot.
She’s spent most of the Easter holidays at home and has only been out when we went to visit family for a few days. Although I know she’s meeting a friend on Friday in town.
I worry all the time and don’t want her missing out but she seems happy enough at home so I try not to go on too much and only hope that things improve. **

This is hugely reassuring, thanks all

I worry about this too, and do encourage DS (14) to see his friends at weekends if he wants to, but he’s happy chilling at home. We’re in France, and the school day is much longer, and they get a lot of homework, so there’s no mooching around after school that he’d do with friends in the UK. He gets Wednesday afternoons off, so tends to grab lunch with friends, but then has tutor and sports (like most French kids do).

He does sports 3 weekday evenings a week, so sees friends then. Weekends he likes to chill in his room, game and chat with friends then, and go for a bike ride with his dad. He doesn’t have too many local friends, as his schoolmates are spread around, but I’m hoping in the next year or so he’ll graduate to hanging out locally.

I have a year 11 and a 2nd year uni student. My eldest didn't do much socialising until A Levels and is still incredibly sensible.

My younger boy is a homebody. He goes out to the cinema/into town/sleepovers but it's probably only about once a month. He's quite introverted but is perfectly happy with his social life.

I used to worry about it all but now I realise that they are both happy doing their op wn thing.

I have a sociable 13 nearly 14 year old and I often feel sad for him as it seems a difficult snd often lonely age !

He has friends and I know would like to often be out but whole weekends will pass and there is nobody about so apart from football he is in his room. (Will absolutely avoid family walks etc!)

I think its a difficult age and also modern life is basically hard for kids as screens have ruined the general outfoor vibe where kids used to just ge outside in large numbers

Basically I think it's normal..but if he actually wants more of a life probably needs to find youth clubs boxing gym etc

I felt sad this week as my son said no friends about and he was just stuck indoors in sunny weather. I ended up forcing him to go for a walk alone !

Btw I think its lovely and a great sign for good mental health thst your son likes family time. My younger child is much more family orientated and I prefer it un a way it makes it easier to support her to do healthy activities

It sounds like he does enough but what’s stopping him from meeting his mates once a week or fortnight?

DS only really started socialising out of school/organsised sport etc in Y11.

DD is Y9. She has no interest in socialising out of school, because, in her words, she does so much music, she’s hardly ever home anyway.

The DC’s school has a large rural catchment. The logistics of getting together are quite hard without relying on a driving parent/older sibling.

DS was "playing out" from age 9, and this gradually expanded over time (e.g. to going round friends' houses that were a bit further away). By 13/14 he was going into town and more far flung places where he needed a lift/to take the bus (i.e. beyond the limits of where he could walk/cycle).

My DS was 13 in a pre-Covid era though. Anecdotally, it does feel like children/teens socialise less now, and I wonder if forced lack of socialisation during Covid has made long term differences.

I agree that Covid has had an impact on socialising, I think it goes for adults too.
I just don’t feel like people mix like they used to.
It’s just a constant worry with kids no matter their age, you just want them to be happy and just naturally constantly worry about them 😩

This is reassuring. My DS14 year 9 seems to have a good group of friends in school but that doesn’t currently translate in to many meet ups outside of school. He does go to the cinema / bowling with a couple of friends perhaps once every half term and has a best friend who he’ll spend a whole day or 2 with during school holidays but that’s it. I do worry about it. He’s not one to initiate meets up though even though I try to encourage him to. I know his cousin, same year, is out all the time though so it’s difficult not to compare. He is mostly happy at home though.

My DS in year 9 doesn’t really do anything with school friends outside school ( he does do clubs and things), although I suspect this might be partly due to being in a grammar school with a larger than usual catchment.

I remember Y8 was the summer he stayed in gaming for 6 weeks, I was literally tearing my hair out.

Now in Y10 I barely see him, out with friends allll the time.

As with most things, it’s a phase, it will pass.

Mines 13 and year 8. He basically didn't socialise through the winter but the last couple of weeks he has been out and about and so far this week has met friends every day. I think the weather has made it easier for them now and they are out on bikes most of the time. I have offered him to have people over but he hasn't and he doesn't go to his friends houses either.

My year 10 nephew has started to do meet ups. Didn’t do much before. My friend’s ds did at a younger age. I think this is because he lives near his whole friendship group from primary and although they went to various secondary schools, the boys remained friends.