How can I reconnect with my 13-year-old son on a budget?

[AmandaKris]

Please help I am a single mother of 2 kids, one boy who is 13 and a girl who is 14 I am 39 years old and need desperate help. I feel my son hates me he's been more distant and avoiding me, he is 13 and I feel like we are growing apart. I love him dearly but my income is not a lot so I can't afford to take him out to do the things he wants to do, does anyone have any ideas I can do with him to get closer?

He may not want material things. He’ll want your attention and love. Tell him you love him and take an interest in what he’s doing without being overbearing. He’s going through a stage of wanting more privacy on his terms. That’s probably why it feels like rejection. Have a look at the brain changes that begin for teenagers and go on into their 20s. It will all make sense if you don’t sweat the small stuff. xx

You sound like a very caring Mum OP. I’ve found that as my son has got older he’s become interested in things that I’m not always into but I try and show an interest in them. I also try and be really present with him and listen to what he’s saying. I’m not always perfect at either of these two things though!

In terms of activities do you have an idea of how much money (if any) you can afford to put towards them? Maybe we can come up with some suggestions 😊

Ach lovely, you can get the closeness back. He’s still young, you can get him to remember fun with you by doing things he might not think of at first as his ‘ideal’ fun but then realise he’s having a good time.
Things like board games and playing dungeons and dragons with him are great, there’s a card game called Storymaster’s Tales Weirding Woods that my teens all loved playing of an evening and I enjoyed too. We have Friday nights as family fun night, but my twenty year old son also regularly asks me to play chess, draughts or backgammon…I think he likes beating me 😂.

Can you cook food together? Cake or pizza or whatever he likes to eat.

What does he like to do in his spare time? I am playing a coop computer game with my son so we can share time together.

Look for films or programmes on free TV - make a routine where you have an episode or two with a hot chocolate once a week. Pick a long series if possible!

Play card games together.

Cook together - make some easy biscuits and expand from there.

What interests does he have - can you help him in any way with something he likes?

Bless you - that's tough.

It kind of depends what he is interested in - if he likes films, maybe you could watch one together - or a match on TV if he likes sport, and the matches are screened? If you can run to some popcorn and coke we well, or some chicken nuggets and fries (home cooked) or whatever he likes, this would make it a bit more of an event.

Local teams are often very cheap to go and see - could you go along to a lower league football match together for example?

If he likes skateboarding you could offer to go and watch him?

Cooking together?

If he is artistic, let him paint a mural in his room? (If you can afford the paints).

This one needs a bit more planning, but if you have a tent and sleeping bags, wild camping/very cheap campsite? Buy a disposable BBQ - few quid from Poundland or similar - and cook cheap sausages and burgers. Maybe roast marshmallows too.

The above could even be done in the garden if you have one.

Even board games - I "make" my daughter play Scrabble or Top Trumps or something like that with me occasionally, when I feel we need a bit of bonding time + she pulls a face about it at first, but deep down likes the fact I want to spend some time fully focused on her, I think..... She's pretty biddable tho - I know not all teens would go for this.

He may of course not be keen to do these things - I wouldn't push it - but show the interest, make the offer....Just make it clear you are interested in understanding more about the things he likes, and happy to spend time with him when he feels ready.

From my experience - listen to him. About the things he is actually interested in. And with enough attention to get at least a little bit interested in them yourself.

I have listened to interminable conversations about: physics (particularly as applies to weaponry of various kinds), computer overclocking, dungeons and dragons minutiae, and other things that I wouldn't begin to contemplate thinking about in my dc's absence. But I'm interested because it gives me an insight into their brain, which I find fascinating.

And because I'm always interested in their stuff they feel connected to me, and want to know about the things that interest me too.

Doing things together is wonderful too if available, but the basis is the listening.