Don’t like DD bf

[Uptownfunkywat]

Advice needed
i don’t think I like my 17yr old DD boyfriend - I have tried to support her relationship with him as she really likes him but today I’ve finally realised he’s cocky. His behaviour at times is controlling. It’s weird as he’s somewhat anxiously attached to her so if she’s not with him he does things to get a reaction like if she’s out with friends he will just stop responding to her messages and completely ignore her till half way through the next day when he will just pop back up as though nothing has happened completely ruining her night as she won’t know what she’s done wrong. Everything he does is to get a reaction. This makes her worried about how he will react when she has plans coming up. She has to tell him what shes doing and who with and if there plans change he can’t cope and gets upset. But the flip side of this is he does absolutely what he wants when he wants with whom he wants and doesn’t tell her and it feels like it’s done on purpose to punish her.

Anyway some things have happened this weekend and I’ve just had enough of him. I’m fed up of him causing her so much tension he messes with her nervous system. He was round earlier and he went awol again last night and he was just being cocky about it. He just seems to think he can sweet talk her all the time. I said to her I don’t want him back round later and in fact he’s not sleeping over at our house now for the foreseeable future as I don’t think he’s a genuine guy. She of course is now angry at me. She’s not a stupid girl and we have always had a fantastic relationship, she’s tells me lots and discusses what goes on. However he has been the cause of us having a couple of arguments recently as he effects his mood so negatively. Obviously I know I can’t stop him coming round and she has to work things out for herself but how do I stop myself from drop kicking him out my front door the next time I see him!!

how do people stay cordial to their children’s bf/gf’s when they know they are not good for them? I am worrying about it because I can see plainly what he’s doing because I’m not blinded by feelings like she is.

i don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with her over it

Trouble is you’ve banned him from staying over or coming over and said you don’t like him, so now all his shitty behaviour will be continuing, but not within sight or hearing of you. She’s not going to come and say “ahh mum you were right, he’s horrible” any time soon.

I haven’t banned him from coming over and I haven’t told her I don’t like him, I’ve just said his behaviour is a bit shady that I’m not agreeing to him sleeping over at the moment - he wanted to come back and sleep tonight

I think you need to try to remain neutral where the bf is concerned. Ask her if she had a good time with her friends and reiterate that it's a good thing and you want her to be happy, she should do it more, etc. Let her know if she ever has any doubts about whether a boyfriend is treating her right you have her back and she only needs to let you know.

You've not banned him from coming over, but he sounds like a manipulative asshole, so will likely be trying to guilt trip your DD. I would offer to spend more time with them as a couple to 'get to know him' then pull him up on every time he's a disrespectful shit towards your daughter. Keep your calm, stick to the facts and show your DD how a man shouldn't treat his partner.

I’ve spent quite a lot of time with him as he’s here a lot of the time and he’s very confident says all the right things etc but I don’t buy it. He says he adores her but then acts like she’s lucky to be with him but it’s all done in a jokey way.
she’s his first proper gf so when it’s come to a head in the past he will say he’s messed up as he hasn’t had a gf but it basic stuff - she says she doesn’t like it when he behaves in a certain way, he says he won’t do it again then proceeds to do it again.

I am trying to remain removed from it and just be a supportive bystander but she is such a lovely fun girl and I see him zapping the confidence out of her ! She isn’t short of admirers because she is so friendly and fun and I see her shrinking her world so as not to upset him

My DS had a GF like this. As a parent it's really hard to stand back and watch it happen. However, I did and kept communication open. Eventually thank goodness they split, mainly because he didn't comply with one of her rules.
Ask your DD how he makes her feel which might help her put it into words and help her see him for what he is. Good luck, it's not easy

I was going to say exactly the same thing - ask her how does it make her feel. Instead of criticising the guy, let her draw her own conclusions otherwise she will dig her heels in. Her job as a 17 yo right now is to separate from you and you don’t want to inadvertently push her towards him. Remain neutral and use lots of Socratic questioning rather than statements laying out how you see things as you’ll only get push back even if she thinks you’re right. There’s a lot of information about Socratic questioning online.

Thank you

This is great thank you both. I have looked it up and will definitely try and adopt this approach. I think she definitely knows the relationship is not ideal but is conflicted because the flip side is he will always want to see her and will cancel anything to see her. When they are together he literally makes her feel like she’s the most important person to him. Takes her on dates, plans lots of things for them to do, it’s her first bf that is able to drive so they have lots of freedom to do stuff when they want whereas all her previous bfs have had to have parent involvement of dropping them to houses etc. BUT it switches up the moment she has a plan that doesn’t involve him even if that’s just her being away for the night with us. He becomes very insecure. He just seems to do stuff to make sure she feels just a bit insecure in the relationship so that he can get a reaction - her insecurity makes him feel secure. Or he knocks a little bit off her confidence here and there so she’s a bit less likely to choose not to see him the next time something comes up. I’ve already had her say things like she won’t mention who’s going to be somewhere as he’s likely not going to like it or she will relay telling she has something coming up for as long as possible so she doesn’t have to deal with the fall out.

i have a tendency to see through people and I have given him the benefit of the doubt lots, given her advice on how to handle him when he’s being insecure etc but when he pulls out a d*ck move I can be quite reactive and will be like nah he’s an ar%whole and whilst she’s in the moment she’s agreeing but then the next day he’s won her over again and this is the point where I find myself doubling down and saying he’s still an ar&ehole and a d&ck but she wants to forget it and move on, until the next incident. BUT I’m going to try and use the Socratic questioning because she’s a smart kid and I know she is thinking a lot of this stuff anyway so I will just be getting her to vocalise it for herself rather than me telling her.

its so hard and i know I make mistakes which is why i have come on here for help

We had this a couple of years ago. It’s hard when they ask for advice but also don’t take it. After looking back, they’ve now realised what a manipulative dickhead he was and hopefully won’t fall into a trap like this again.

Yes, they often have to go through this. My 17 yo dd is likewise easily convinced. She was duped into thinking a guy was really into him. I tried my hardest to keep her away from him as I clocked him straight away. She now sees what a dickhead he is. But it’s taken the best part of a year to see through him and she’s only just come to the conclusion she should ignore him. They never had an actual relationship because he didn’t want one, but pretended he did, future faked her etc, then reeled her back in periodically. It was hard because she didn’t tell me anything.

When he was around I could tell anyway, her anxiety went up for starters. One time I talked about general stuff. Boys and fishing expeditions on Instagram, how they put something out, that makes you think they’re addressing you. But it’s generic enough that all girls will think that.

And I have now advised dd not to use what happened to her in a next relationship to punish a guy by assuming she was treated badly in the past so she will be treated badly by the next one. Relevant because she’s being too cautious about someone else. She needs a lot of input. Maybe yours does too. Going on a drive is often a good place or down the pub for a drink. But with dd you have to find a sweet spot, when she will listen. And I’ve taught her tons by giving her friends advice in front of her.

I also find talking about things in general. Ie even if I’m talking about the specific boy, not to name him. But go for the generic ‘if a guy… he’ etc. Talking about her friends if they’ve had or having a difficult type of relationship helps. I ask her what she thinks, how she would handle it. I’ve drawn on instances of family members and their relationships or past relationships. How in some cases I see things differently with hindsight, misunderstandings.

If you know of anyone, who’s been in tough situations, where there’s been control, you can talk about that and the cycle of abuse, love bombing. It will sink in but be a lot less threatening than telling your dd this is happening to you.

God OP it is hard, I would love a freaky Friday day were I change into my daughter’s body and tell her current “situation” to just fuck off!
l am off the age that if a boy wanted to contact you they had to ring your parents bloody landline. The constant access and communication is half the problem. I just try to keep neutral but I did tell her your future husband is the ONLY family member that you get to pick so pick wisely!