Teen Daughter

[annajw23]

Hello,

I am desperately trying to reach out to other parents who have been or are going through similar. DD (13) has always struggled with friends and social dynamics. Since primary school she has never found it easy. She has anxiety and low self esteem for which she has recieved counselling and support.

We hoped the move to Secondary School would make things easier but she is still struggling. She always seems on the periphery or the one not invited or deliberately excluded. School have done lots of support work with her and she has sessions with pastoral teams.

She also does activities outside of School
(Guides and dance) and enjoys these groups and has friends there but as yet these friendships haven’t moved outside of those clubs.

she is better in smaller groups or 1 on 1. Over the last couple of years she has found friends but arguments happen or she has found herself in a group of 3 that doesnt work. Recently she was doing better and seemed to have settled until she found out the group had organised sleepovers and birthday party’s and had deliberately kept them from her and she found out after on social media.

she will reach out and ask people to do something but other girls tend to make excuses or
reject her asking and that is never extended and no one asks her. It is heartbreaking as she is lonely and regularly comes home from School in tears, saying she can’t cope or manage it anymore. She says it’s always her that doesn’t have anyone to sit with and when they are asked to pick partners she is left alone.

i just don’t know what else I can do. Has anyone been through this? Does it get easier or better?

are there any signs that DD could be neurodivergent?

We don’t think so, School haven’t noticed anything. The counselling she has had haven’t picked up on anything either. She does have sensory issues -
doesn’t like loud noises or lots of crowds, which is heightened with anxiety and her pastoral team think that’s more to do with it. I think she is more aware emotionally than some her age due to the work she’s done around anxiety and is very sensitive to things that way and will over think or worry more than other children.

I feel for you. My daughter was very similar through primary school and was soon as she got to secondary she struggled massively with friendships in y7. It led to school refusal and us eventually going down the ASC diagnostic pathway with Camhs. She got an ASC diagnosis but ended up leaving school in y9. We made a difficult financial decision to enroll her in an online school and she - miraculously - got an her GCSEs (her self worth read tied up with academic success).

The ASC diagnosis helped us navigate school in those years, but she has since gone on to reject it. And, after reflection, we agree and think she's a hyper sensitive child. The diagnostic tools used seem too broad to be almost meaningless. But we're grateful for the help it gave her.

After 2 yrs (10 & 11) out of mainstream school she decided she wanted to go back and she's just coming to the end of Y13 having attended every day of a level. Unimaginable a few years back.

Remember that you're lovely daughter is still very young and the difficulties she's having might not go away but she'll begin to develop more and more tools for dealing with them. And, as she matures, things will begin to shift in ways you can't imagine now.

So yes, it will get easier. I have no advice other than to keep listening to her and letting her know that you understand. Lots of listening and hugs and reassurance that you're on her side.

I would say that even if she doesn’t meet threshold for ASC it sounds like there is probably some degree of neurodivergence! she mostly likely will get on really well with others who are also neurodivergent and may be on more of a wavelength with them - I would look at things like youth groups etc or clubs linked to specific interests where she might be able to find “her tribe”! (as a teacher I am 100% guilty of doing tactical seating plans to try and foster friendships between students who seem lonely or a bit “quirky” and it’s usually pretty successful to be honest)

i could have written this exact post about my now 17 year old DD. She was the same, always left out, no friends, no confidence, and actually went through a period of making bad choices to try and fit in and also self harming in year 9

she too did guides and drama outside school and had friends there but they never meet outside the activities although she tried
she is also not great in groups of 3 and much better in 1-1.

its been heartbreaking . She also has been bullied quite a bit

Two years ago she was diagnosed with autism and adhd. School had never mentioned they had noticed any issues and my DD was good at masking.

The Diagnosis has helped me /school understand her a bit more although things still aren’t perfect. She’s happier to be in 6th form now and has a small group of friends but they don’t meet up outside of school.
It does sound like your DD may be similar and my advise would be to see if you can get her assessed and take it from there. Keep talking to school, hope they can help but it’s tough. Outside things are great, keep with them and maybe any local youth clubs.

My dd is 17 and no one thought she was ND… apart from me, or at least I did wonder and ignored my niggles. In 6th form, dd confided in one of her teachers that she’s struggling. This led to a diagnosis of stealth dyslexia - really bright kids have this and it’s not easily picked up as they compensate. She’s now had the autism assessment and I’m booking the ADHD. Girls mask autism a lot and if they have ADHD as well, it prevents very differently. If you have the funds, I suggest that you pay for both assessments.

OP, this sounds really tough.

We have friends who have been through similar - I wouldn’t necessarily jump to labelling/diagnosis as ND.

Teenage friendships can be precarious, transactional and circumstantial. Teens who appear ‘besties’ can often be not much more than a group that hang around together so they can post on their socials and not be alone.

Often those that prefer to hang out in big groups are less confident in developing proper friendships, with all the compromise, honesty and vulnerability that real friendships require.

It’s a difficult age. Teens can be competitive, jostle for position, insecure, self centred and image conscious. Those traits often don’t produce the kindest behaviour.

Friendships are also sometimes coincidental - living near each other or parents who know each other or going on holidays together. Sometimes one person is invited simply to encourage others in the group to come.

School is an artificial set up and only a small part of life - try to encourage your dd that feeling left out at school isn’t necessarily a life long feeling. Lots of people find their place when they’re older. And lots of people who were flooded with ‘friends’ at school lose their way later on.

On paper dd appears to have lots of friends - but I’d say only around 3 or so are true friends, They just want to invite 20 to their parties because everyone else is doing it.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Some things to consider. Parenting is hard isn’t it 😢