Teen daughter help please, not socialising and angry at me

[Notmummingrightanymore]

Need some advice on my almost 13yo daughter please.
she has adhd and has always needed additional support and validation and extra pushing out of her comfort zone to join in . She is a very fun and loving girl but she can be shy and needs to observe before she joins in a lot of the time. She has always come to me about everything and we’ve always been very close. Until this last 9months

she broke up with her boyfriend 9months ago, she told me she loved him and they were happy then all of a sudden she said I’m dumping him. I said to her to maybe give it a few days to think before she makes an impulsive decision that she might regret. That is what started our downward journey.

she dumped her boyfriend anyway and since then has been very nasty towards me, she is defensive of everything I say or ask her, she argues every single thing with me. She asks me why or what’s it got to do with you every time I try to talk to her about anything. She pushed away a lot of her friends and barely goes out anymore. Even though she has a lot of friends wanting to meet her. She doesn’t get herself dressed up anymore like she doesn’t care about if she looks nice and she doesn’t put any effort into her hair and make up like she used to enjoy. She sits in her room most of the time she either doesn’t get dressed until I force her to later in the afternoon or she just wears the same outfit over and over, even wearing her clothes to bed then staying in the the next day.

i have tried to speak to her about this many many times before but it always ends up in a nasty argument.
she insults me, she attacks my appearance and my personality. She is very horrible to me . Then she sayd I must hate her because I’m always having a go at her but I’m not at all I’m merely trying to encourage her to go out and socialise or even socialise on her phone instead of just doom scrolling on TikTok all day every day. But she did not see it that way at all and just thinks I’m having a go at her and judging her.

i don’t know if I need to just not care if she had any friends or any fun or if I should still keep pushing to try to help her be happier. But the encouragement I give her now she just takes the completely wrong way and we fall out almost every day about it.

i hate it. It’s so upsetting but I want her to be happy and to have fun and socialise an not be stuck in the dark in her room all the time.

what do I do?
Does anybody else have similar experiences with teen girls or think that it’s due to her adhd?

Help, I can’t take this anymore 😣

That’s a lot of words, and not one of them is kind. You’ve picked her apart from top to bottom, even criticising how much effort she puts into her appearance.

Just because you think she should be a certain way doesn’t make you right.

Try loving your daughter for who she is. You might find she’s a lot less angry with

You have to develop the patience of a saint to deal with early teen girls. It’s really tough. You have to bite your tongue a lot of the time, just listen rather than trying to give advice or solve things for her. Easier said than done of course. But if she’s rude to you tell her she’s hurt your feelings but do that in a calm but direct way. You might need to take her to the gp as some of this sounds a bit beyond normal teenage stuff and of course the adhd adds an extra layer, she sounds like she’s struggling.

She sounds a little burnt-out. Let her do what she needs to do at the moment without judgement. Just make her nice food and drinks to show her you’re still around if she needs you. If you’re popping out just ask if she wants to come with, but leave her if she says no.

Stop worrying. It’s hard I know. But I’ll think you’ll get her to communicate with you more if you give her the space she needs to recover from whatever she’s going through at the moment.

Why has a 12 year old child got a boyfriend??

This was me around the same age (and I also had ADHD) and I will tell you what I wouldn't tell my mother then.

My friends had, almost all at the same time, started smoking dope. Some of them were doing other drugs. I didn't want to be part of it. I lost all my friends. I had to grieve the friendship group I had and I felt very lonely and like nobody understood me. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want my friends to get in trouble.

My mother acted like I was being an unreasonable, ungrateful, moody brat. I wasn't. I was just having a hard time, struggling to sleep and was very sad for a very long time.

I'm not saying your daughter's friends have got into drugs, but I bet something has happened in your daughter's friend group that she doesn't feel she can tell you about.

What happened with the boyfriend? Did you ask , in a non accusing/non confrontational way? Even if it was a whim , she doesn’t owe anyone a relationship.

TBF, she sounds depressed, the real question is why… what happened for her to withdraw from all social life? Do you check her phone?

You can’t force her to be happy, you can encourage her to do nice things though, like going shopping, going for a drive, watch a tv show with you etc.

Your daughter is neurodivergent and an introvert. You’ve said she has always needed extra pushing out of her comfort zone to join in and socialise. How happy would you be if someone is constantly telling you to do something you’re not comfortable with and stresses you out all the time?

She went along with it when she was younger because she trusted your judgement and thought it would make her happy like you promised.

Problem is she is now 13 and had realised that what makes you happy- lots of friends to socialise with, dressing up, make up, having a boyfriend -are not what makes her happy.

You need to accept her for who she is and understand she has been let down by you. Your intentions were good, but misguided. All parents make mistakes, so don’t feel too bad, but own it and stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

Also who has a boyfriend at 13?! That is way too young for any kind of romantic/sexual relationship at all. I can’t believe you advised her not to dump him and said she might regret it! That is the epitome of being unsupportive.

How do parents get into a situation where a 12/ 13 year old is doom scrolling on tiktok all day with no controls.

Sorry to sound harsh but here is your problem.

I'm sorry @Notmummingrightanymore but I can't get beyond the fact that she is nearly 13 and dumped her boyfriend, who she said she loved, 9 months ago. So when she was just 12 and might have had a boyfriend aged 11. That is dysfunctional.

I think you need parenting classes and your dd likely needs therapy. Alongside tennis, choir, drama, guides, etc.

Could something have happened between her and the boyfriend? Could he have hurt her /assaulted her - the sunndeb change in behaviour ,appearance and lack of self care made me think this. I agree it's extremely early for that sort of "relationship"

This!!!

What on earth?

Please put some limits on her phone. A 12 year old girl really doesn’t need to be doomscrolling on TikTok all day. Also she told you how she felt ie that you hate her and are always having a go at her and you’ve completely dismissed this and sounds like you’ve just continued with the pressure / demands.

You need to build up trust with your dd again. She’s telling you loud and clear that she doesn’t want your advice. She wants your love. The advice thing will change once she feels confident in your unconditional love and support for her. But the requests for advice needs to be led by her and her asking for it.

As for the way she’s speaking about you, I expect a lot of that is projection on how she feels about herself. She thinks she’s worthless, doesn’t need care for herself and has pushed everyone away, the boy, the friends. Etc.

And it sounds as if you put her under enormous pressure about things. It’s not for a mum to say don’t dump a boy age 13. A girl can end things for any reason they like, especially at 13. It’s your job as a mum to trust her judgment say ‘ok, I’m here if you need me, love you’. Instead you panicked, and I think it’s possibly because of your baggage and regrets, and told her not to rush into it.

What I learned with my dd when she says she hates someone, it’s often because she’s anxious about them, or they in some way make her feel unsafe. So as I say now it’s definitely necessary for you to rebuild the trust.

And I do think having a boyfriend she professed to being in love with at 12 is way too young. She probably and rightly so got afraid of it going serious. Tweens / early teens can be really brutal so he or his friends or even her friends may have said some pretty horrid stuff to her about it and she’s withdrawn. In any case, what you said was enough to get her spiralling. Kids are very black and white at this age, more so when dealing with ND.