Move my 14 year old to new school

[sunnyhoneybumblebee]

My daughter is 14 in year 9
she’s always suffered with anxiety but on the whole is confident and popular.
Recently her mental health has declined and has been a real worry for us. She ended up in hospital a couple of months ago due to alcohol intake and suicidal ideations. She has lots of “friends” but they aren’t really very nice to her and this certainly seems to increase her anxiety.

the friend group has aren’t particularly a good influence; they all spend too much time on their phones and walking the town, sitting in the park in the evenings. Recently I’ve restricted this with our daughter. We have significantly limited her phone access and she isn’t allowed out with this group of kids in the evenings because they were all getting drunk and vaping and getting into silly situations.

ultimately I’m sure my daughter isn’t happy at her current school. She cries every day, is always anxious regarding the girls in her group and rarely gets through a full week of school. Her attendance this year is 93% which isn’t terrible but certainly needs to improve. Some days she’s so anxious she get an upset stomach and soils herself and then is too anxious to go to school in case she has a bad belly at school:

Her current school is very local 5-10 min walk.

there is a really nice secondary all girls school about 20mins away from us which comes highly recommended. I’d like to move her here before she starts year 10 but she really doesn’t want to move. I think partly because it’s an all girls. She knows a couple of girls at the school already and I’m just so sure she’s be happier here.

what do I do? I really feel like moving schools is the best decision for her but convincing her is difficult.
she’s agreed to go and have a look but says she isn’t moving schools despite being so unhappy. I’ve just got such a strong feeling she will be happy away from her current group. I don’t know what to do.

This post is bit rambly but I just don’t know what to do for the best and so far i feel I’ve just contributed to her poor mental health by given her freedom and too much access to her phone. She used to adore primary and was full of life, so sporty and happy, I want my daughter back

I think it would be better to spend time working out what the source of her anxiety is? Year 9 is a common time for the features of neurodivergence to become overwhelming and masking to slip. This is often seen by a sudden issue with school attendance.

Is there a possibility your daughter could have adhd or autism?

Do you even know that the other schools has space in her year group? If you move her against her will and it doesn't work out you will then have caused disruption to tge start of her GCSEs. All girls schools are not always better. They tend to just have different issues, which can be just as serious.

I am assuming you have contacted the school and they have a place for her. Could you arrange a meet up with the girls she knows at the other school so she can hear all the positives from them about it? It could be arranged through their Mums if you know them. Or at least if she tours the school the school maybe can have one of these girls be on the tour too. It can be done after school time so that the pupil is not being removed from her class. I would talk to the school about it.

My work colleague did this to her DD and she flourished. She as literally turning into herself, becoming a shell of the girl she once was and although to begin with the girl was dead set against it it was absolutely the right school for her.

To her the new school is an unknown, just like the secondary was when she joined it. The good thing is she is willing to look around. This would be the best time to move her, even if it is for the last term of year 9 to get her settled in before GCSEs.

I think you are trying to fix this from the outside rather than supporting her to address her broader mental illness.

She needs urgent mental health support.

of course I have been supporting her mental illness. She has been referred to cahms.. they rejected this referal. We’ve had meetings with the school. She has a welfare officer who checks in with her at school daily. We have sourced counselling for her privately and she has had a referal to the school nurse. I’ve limited social media and phone use and we are keeping her busy with different activities and family time. She was taking the pill since end of last year for her periods which absolutely darkened her mood - we’ve stopped this now which has helped a lot. I don’t think she’s ND.

I have contacted the other school and they have space and are planning to contact me to organise a visit and look around - which my daughter has agreed to. I think if we decide that moving is a good idea we need to do it before she starts year 10 and GCSEs.

To clarify I’m not drawn to the other school because it is all girls. I feel indifferent about that. In fact I think my daughter would be more open to moving there if it wasn’t an all girls school. It’s just the next closest school to us and has a very good reputation.

she has one friend who already attends the other school who would be a familiar face for her.

i appreciate there’s more to unpick than just the school: it’s just very clear to me that her mental health declined as soon as she started year 7.
her mental health took a nose dive the week she started that school. She was a different child in year 6