How can I help my teenage son facing poor mock grades and anger issues

[CovenOfCheeses]

i was tidying my son’s room and found his mock grades. He told me that they hadn’t sent them out yet and they were several U grades and a few 1’s. I am shocked. I asked him whether I should take a few weeks off to help him revise or get him a tutor or even help him with a revision plan, but he was really aggressive and had me in tears. He punched the walls and said I shouldn’t get involved in his life etc etc. he smashed some of the photos of my husband who has passed away and was really angry. He is sulking in his room and said because I am being an arsehole he is not going to revise. I don’t know what I can do about him. He does not seem to want to do anything apart from laze around. I cannot seem to get through to him.

I am shocked at his attitude as he is not stupid, just unmotivated and lazy.

what can I do? I do not have a significant man in my life who can talk to him and he is rude, sexist and aggressive. He lacks any interest in the world and just likes to be contrary to everything me or my daughters have to say. He dresses in a very urban manner in black trackies and he smells of BO and refuses to wash. He only has a few months to go before the exams and I cannot seem to get through to him.

He said he can go to America and hustle or become a YouTuber and does not want to do anything else in his life. i said that he cannot go to the US at the moment and it is not a great place to live, but he just seems to look at stuff on YouTube and thinks that anything’s is better than the UK. I suggested an apprenticeship or to learn a trade but he does not any interest in doing anything.

was your husband his dad?

whatever / I suspect he needs serious help - violent depressive

talk to the school and your GP fast

This didn’t happen overnight though did it? And I’m amazed the school hasn’t been contacting you to let you know how badly he’s been doing. He’s probably been needing help for a long time. You aren’t going to be able to solve this quickly, certainly not in time for the summer exams. For now I would forget about grades and exams and just focus on reconnecting with him. Tell him that’s all you want now, to establish a relationship with him again, to listen to him and understand him. But yes he’s going to probably need professional help, but I definitely wouldn’t suggest that to him now.

He might just feel completely out of his depth with it all. Do you have any idea what he might want to do next/looked at colleges or sixth forms? My advice would be to just choose five GCSEs for him to focus on including English lang and maths and forget the rest. If you can communicate with him maybe you could help him realise he doesn’t need need to do it all and if he is bright then getting over the line in six weeks with five subjects is not impossible.

@CovenOfCheeses why are you only discovering this now? Surely you received test marks in year 10 in his termly or end-of-year report and could have actioned a plan to help him much earlier than just weeks before his GCSE exams?

Did his school not tell you during parents evening last year or this year that he was struggling and did they not call you about his concerning mock results?

Yes, his behaviour is despicable but I also feel if this is the first time you learned about him struggling academically, both you and his school have really let him down and now he’s completely stressed and way out-of-his depth with his crucial exams looming.

I think at this stage great results are not going to happen but if he could just get to grade 4 in English and Maths that would be something.

Firstly, call the school. Be angry if you’ve never been told the full picture and arrange a meeting with them to plan how they can help him over the coming months in at least the core subjects. During the meeting, find out exactly when their revision lessons are taking place, which lunchtime at what time and for what subject, and the same for after school. Get a tutor come over Sat or Sunday morning for English and Maths.

Prepare this in a timetable format for your son so he knows where to be at what time. Tell him you both are now just focusing on English and Maths and not to worry about anything else at this stage.

When he’s not being helped he gets downtime. Don’t even mention school work or exams. Having a one-to-one tutor will really build his confidence and 🤞 will change his mind about giving-up.

I don’t understand how you can be unaware of his mock results but aside from this I have lots of sympathy

I strongly suggest if his dad died recently then and you are both grieving he should not be put under pressure for these exams.

Gcses aren’t the end of the world - but Let him resit at college.

It can be almost impossible to get through to some teenagers.

I would calmly point at to him that burying his head in the sand, refusing to revise and blaming you isn’t going to get him anywhere. It is probably too late to salvage for this sitting but he can resit the important ones if needed next year.

What is his current plan for post gcse? If he has nothing to aim for, no wonder he is frustrated.

I am so so sorry to hear this. You poor thing. He will be hurting too. He will have all sorts of emotions and they are just coming out in anger. He is scared and needs help. I am amazed at how awful his school have been here by not flagging this to you.

how recently did your DH pass away? I’m assuming this is his Dad? Huge reason for him to be burying his head in the sand if he is also affected by grief.

I agree with PPs. My gut reaction was that he has been affected by the death of his dad and possibly online influencers (hackneyed, but manosphere type stuff?).

He's overwhelmed by the mountain he has to climb and is violently pushing back / using any excuse to not focus on it.

He needs someone to come in and sort out his revision into manageable chunks (agree that a focus on a few subjects is best) and maybe some kind of counselling.

You need to remain calm but rigid in your expectations; don't succumb to nagging or shouting (you don't sound like you are- just saying in case you are tempted). Wear an invisible rubber ring and imagine your DS bouncing off it if he's aggressive; nothing he says will be personal - he will be desperate, limit testing and scared. If you show him you are a rock who won't stop loving him but also that won't let him stymie his life chances, you may find he calms, starts trusting and changes things.

Best to you all and I'm really sorry about your DH.

Limit internet use for one thing, he has probably been watching nonsense online.

No pocket money unless he can be respectful and do some schoolwork

Sit down with him and make a realistic plan, look at options for next year, maybe the thought of leaving school and doing something he finds interesting at college will motivate him. Are there any subjects he can drop at this stage so he can focus on getting maths and English and 3 others so he gets 5 GCSEs?
Point out that not passing maths and English now while not the end of the world will mean he’s going to have to do resits next year for most college courses/jobs, so it will be far less of a pain in the arse if he just does them this year and it’s out of the way.

I agree that you should focus on maths and English language as priorities.
poor kid, he seems very depressed and out of his depth with school.
he needs love, understanding and some practical support from you and the school to get the grades he needs to move on to a college course.
maybe start with a big hug and move on from there.

Was your husband his father?

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think the fact that your son broke your husbands pictures is a sharp indication of what lies at the root of his troubles.

It sounds as if he has been hiding deep hurt and anger - and potentially got involved with the manosphere online too, which is selling this dream of fortunes to be made with online influencers. Watch Louis Theroux and the Manosphere on iPlayer to give you an idea of what they are putting out there.

I agree with others. This is potentially far more significant than mock results. Try to focus on what is good in his/your life, and to start to reconnect with him that way - favourite foods? A relative he likes? A hobby he enjoys? Let him know that you are there for him, if he wants to talk to you . . . And if you can do so confidentially, seek help for yourself in supporting him further . . . Mnet is a good place to start with that.

I keep thinking about your poor DS. I also have a DS doing GCSEs this year who has slightly had his head in the sand - he got a 2 in one of his papers in his mocks but school flagged it, and have made him sit another just before he broke up for the hols and the lovely teacher has said he can email over any long answer questions he practices and she will mark them (I hope at the start of next t term- I don’t want her to ruin her break!). He is doing ok in other subjects though. But we did have a bit of a time getting him to acknowledge the problem initially though.

When he has calmed down would it be worth having a discussion with him about pulling him out of this school and not sitting his all GCSEs for this year and get him to sit them in college next year? Is it worth saying to the school he is only going to be sitting for 5 GCSEs? My gut feeling would be for DS to wait a year but then I have a summer born.

He’s probably overwhelmed and in a panic now and just saying anything to make himself feel better. He’s saying what he’s saying because the alternative is to say ‘yes, you are right, I’ll pull my socks up and revise’ and then he might still fail and then he will feel worse.

If he was mine I’d be saying right, there’s no need to panic here. Let’s focus on maths and English language and see if we can get those grades up to fours.

Then you need to get much, much more involved with his life. Make an appointment with someone at the school for a start. See what is happening with regards to extra support. Someone needs to look at the mock papers and see what he actually did. Perhaps he put everything he had into them and this is what he got or perhaps he wrote nothing. But you need to know that.

When you reconnect with him, try to show empathy, as he right - the UK is an incredibly bleak place for young adults, especially if they have been on a social media diet of people living their best lives in sunny countries like the US and Dubai.

From his point of view, the jobs landscape is very poor - even for graduates; he is priced out of the housing market; every decent car costs nigh on 6 figures; even a starter car will cost many times more to insure than to buy - until your are 32; the NHS and other public services are in decline; he doesn't know when he'll have money in his pocket to rent his own place, pay gym membership, get a car loan, take out a girl, build up a nest egg, etc. He is objectively correct on all of those fronts. All of the external signifiers of success look out of reach to him. The social contract in Britain is broken.

You mentioned sexist comments which could indicate that he has been swayed by the lure of the manosphere. Don't go there now as there is a lot to unpick there.

For now, focus on reconnecting and showing him that there is a path to getting his own place, car, girl, etc if he gets a trade - plumber/electrician. These are roles that people will always need and cannot be replaced by AI. Show him that he has a stake here. Give him some reason to buy into pursuing a life in the UK and he may find a source of motivation to give GCSE's his best shot.

As others have said, focusing on at least Maths and English for now is a must. The rest he can re-do at college next year.

Yes, my son did not know him as he passed away when my son was 6 and he is nearly 16 now. It is significant but not majorly as the whole family has had to deal with grief. We are all living with trauma but not passing it onto other members of the family and failing apart. He was really smart and doing really well for the last few years and it has just been the past year that he has fallen off.

The loss or lack of a father will most definitely be part of this. I think you may be underrating how profoundly this may affect him now or in the future. The teens - twenties are when fathers are most important to their sons.

Okay, if it’s just this past year, all hope is not lost. He could still catch up. Speak to the school immediately on how they can and you can help him pass his GCSEs.

Ex teacher.

u’s and 1s are very low grades. In your opinion is this because he didn’t try/didn’t write anything in the mocks or has he always struggled at school?

I used to teach autistic teens and the level of maths needed to get a 1 is about the level of the average eight year old and English is similar. If he really is working at that level I’d imagine he did quite badly in his sats (did he do them?) and also his year 10 exams.

if this genuinely is his ability level then don’t panic, everyone is entitled to continue in education until 18 and there will be a course for him. Students who don’t pass maths and English in year 11 continue studying them at college. If their grades were 2 or below they can study functional skills maths or English or both at a level they can access rather than resitting by the gcse. Only kids who got a 3 have to resit.

most colleges offer level 1 courses to students who haven’t got the grade 4’s they need to get onto level 2 courses. So if he wants to do catering for example he will still be able to but will need to start at level 1 not level 2.

many teens do do much better at college where it is vocational learning.

if you know that these results really don’t reflect his ability then I’d start looking at what support you can give, particularly in English and maths.

It sounds as if there’s something internal or external that has affected this change in your ds. It might be other kids saying stuff. Equally it could be internal. Your ds lost his dad at 6. That will have deeply affected him. And this anger may be delayed upset now that he’s older and processing things differently.

Right now, he’s at the point, where he’s leaving the surety of being a kid and a known routine for something unknown and that may be really scary for him. And it could be this point of change, which may be difficult and troubling for him. If this is the case, the easiest thing to do is to fail at everything then he can stay in limbo.

As for the YouTube, going to live in the US, this is very reminiscent of my 17 yo dd, who’s hugely stressed about her A levels and grades for university. As soon as she’s upset, she tells me she’s moving to Paris and doesn’t care about getting her exams or that she will move to Thailand because it’s cheap etc. In any case, she’s moving out of the house, in with friends and so forth. It’s all anxiety based.

I shower dd with love. That doesn’t mean putting up with the stuff you’ve described. Going in hard on your ds won’t help imo. To get him to behave better, he needs to believe in himself. And that he can do it.

I would start by talking to him about how you can see that it might be scary for him all this exam pressure and what he’s going to do next. That right now, next year isn’t something to worry about. You can figure out next year later. That you are here for him and you really see that he’s upset and confused. And you want to help because you love him. And because he’s worth it, always.

If he softens, you can then talk about how sad you are that the pictures got broken. (I wouldn’t say he broke them). And say you’d really like some help from him to sort all of that out.

I would also tell him that you’re going to see about getting him maths and English tutors. That your his mum and this is the plan and a way forward. Science would be good as well. Maybe once he’s started with the others.

I would hazard a guess that he isn’t lazy or possibly even angry at the root of it… but definitely scared. And when kids are scared of failing the protective option is to just not try.

this is perhaps not the most ethically approved option but at this stage I would suggest a really good incentive (i.e. bribe). I find once teenagers reach a point of disengagement like this, they generally don’t have strong long-term aspirations that are going to motivate them to do well anymore, and unfortunately at this age they also don’t have the frontal lobe function to be able to prioritise what might matter in 10 years over what they are feeling today, so a good way round it can be to find a bribe that you know will really motivate him. And key to this is that the incentive needs to be contingent on effort, not results (as he may feel there’s no point bothering as he is convinced he is going to fail if it is results-based). E.g. if you do X hours of revision for English and maths a week then you can have XYZ.

(Source: I'm a teacher and have seen this with many MANY teenage boys)

I totally agree with this. Dd just diagnosed with autism and likely has ADHD

Seek help now for his mental health, sort a meeting with school to see exactly the reason for the low marks, how they are at school etc.