How do I turn around my relationship with my teen?

[Durhamdaughter123]

Just that really… alway thought we were good parents, stable, supportive, encouraging, loving.
BUT it seems that dd2 (14) feels very differently about us. She says we always shout at her, we never want to do anything with her, we don’t listen, we don’t apologise, we just don’t care. The food I cook is horrible.
Her dad and I recognise that we aren’t perfect but we support her hobbies and interests by ferrying her around several times each week, we take her to see things that interest her, (she can be a pain to get up out of bed and there have been a few times when she hasn’t been allowed to go because she wouldn’t get up). She had a weekend away with her dad last weekend- just the two of them related to one of her interests. We ask her to come to see grandparents/family members with us, come on dog walks, come to the cinema, out for lunch but she always refuses. Th only things she wants to do are really expensive treats like concerts, shopping trips to London or theme parks etc. I have tried to explain that these are treats but not for each weekend.
i know she is unhappy as she has fallen out with her best friend a few months ago and I also appreciate how tough school is for our teens these days but she is doing well academically and behaves very well at school. She has friends but no best friend. I also suggest she invites people over or out for a trip but she says they aren’t those sorts of friends. To be honest she was still argumentative and unhappy when she was still with her best friend but I think it’s just more evident as she isn’t going out as much.
ive just tried to chat to her now and she just shouted that I don’t care and she doesn’t want to chat even before I got into her room. When we are in the car she has her earphones in so I can’t do the car chat I would with her siblings.
dd1 and ds are totally different and just tell us that she is being unreasonable and spoilt. BUT how do we fix this? Youngest child by the way ds is 20, dd1 is 18 and she is 14.

Can’t you tell her no ear phones in the car? Maybe stop giving her so many options about participating in family life

I don’t have teenagers but I do remember what I was like at 14. Self-absorbed, woes me, nothing was ever good enough - then I grew out of it. I don’t necessarily think there’s anything to fix, just give her space - when she moans just tell her ‘sorry you feel that way’, when she’s itching for an argument walk away and say she can come find you when she can talk like a grown up. Just don’t engage and feed into it. Unfortunately it’s a painful phase but you kind of have to ride it out.

@SMM2020 i think you are right, she’s just so different in nature to the others and me. She is so fiery and stubborn. I’m also a people pleaser and want her to be happy but perhaps I just need to realise that I can’t make her happy at the moment and that she is ultimately responsible for her own happiness.

This sounds very like my14 yr old

There may be some teens who are so happy and grateful for lifts and general daynto day parenting but I honestly think it's normal that they don't notice or appreciate the day to day parenting grind

I think you could step.back a bit emotionally

I try to remind myself im not responsible for my teens moods. They are driven by so many factors including hormones

Just set your boundaries and accept there will be times the teen is grumpy.

It can be very joyless parenting teens !

Imagine your self aged 14. Would you want your mum driving herself mad trying to always make you feel happy?

Ultimately they are growing up and away and not all their feelings and moods are related to us anymore

Doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong. Keep engaging but give her space and hopefully she will grow out of it. Pick your battles carefully.

lots of teenagers are just wallowing in misery and self pity and friendships at this age are hard work.

What has she said that you don’t listen to? What does she think you should be apologising for?

It doesn’t sound like you are going much wrong and her siblings are probably right. However she is maybe aware that she is different to them and is viewed differently by you which may be tough for her (again, not saying you are doing anything wrong).

How about withdrawing all the stuff you do for and with her for a fixed period of time - and tell her clearly that you are doing so. A week is probably long enough to make a point. “Darling, I’m a bit hurt by your complaints about everything, so just for a week, I’m going to show you what it would be like if we didn’t try to be good parents.”

During that time, cook only stuff you like, and if she doesn’t like it - tough.
Don’t give her lifts anywhere. She can take the bus or walk.
if you have to go in the car anywhere, she sits in the back and you totally ignore her. Put your own music on loud.
No treats at all. Don’t buy food she particularly likes, or avoid things she doesn’t. No gifts, snacks or sweet treats. Don’t do anything FOR her.
Apart from fixed amount of regular pocket money, no money for anything. If she wants to do something, she pays. If she doesn’t have enough money, tough.
If she doesn’t get up, leave her in bed - all day if necessary.
Let her do her own washing.
Don’t even try to chat to her at all. Ignore her when she gets in, if she walks into a room, or if she’s hanging about in the kitchen.
Don’t try to console her if she seems miserable.
You get to choose what to watch on TV.
Don’t consider her or her plans when you decide how to spend your time. She has to accommodate you.

At the end of the week, tell her you are now going back to normal, and ask her if she has any thoughts about the week. You may find that she finds some aspects of it positive. If she does, it may be time to adjust your parenting style a bit.

I think she thinks we should always agree with her and not offer a difference of opinion. An example might be that we suggested we go hiking in the Lakes but she refused to wear boots and said she would only go if she could go in her trainers. She had been on a school walking trip and only had to wear trainers. So, she thinks we didn’t listen to her but we just set out our rule for going, thinking of her safety.
I do know I apologise if I feel I’ve snapped at her etc so I know that isn’t a valid opinion.
When she fell out with her best friend I have to admit that I suggested she make an attempt to reconnect (I know the friend also wanted to be friends again) even though the friend was at fault. They were so good together and I knew dd would be stubborn in refusing to start speaking to her again. Unfortunately, I think dd thought I was taking the friend’s side despite my attempts at explaining my thinking.
As I say we aren’t perfect parents but try to have boundaries and be supportive.

If you are too nice it’s weird, if you are shouty your a bully, if you ignore them you are negligent, basically they are constantly looking for ways to hate you because that’s what teenagers want. It’s not too dissimilar to how women complain about their partners. You are unlikely to fit in with your peer group if life is perfect.

I remember thinking how much fun other people’s parent were and yet their teenage offspring hated them. They thought my parents were fun, I couldn’t see it.

It’s a stage, they are not yet ready to leave the nest and the comfort of parents but they definitely think they are. it’s such a confusing time.

Try not to be their friend yet. That will come. I remember clearly the confusion I felt when my mum asked me to decide wher to go for coffee. I was home from uni and it just felt so odd. The secure feeling of mum in charge had disappeared and I was now being asked to be the adult. It was lovely but baffling at the same time.

@Crwysmam’ It’s a stage, they are not yet ready to leave the nest and the comfort of parents but they definitely think they are. it’s such a confusing time’
we had that this afternoon- she can’t wait until she’s 18 and she will leave home and never speak to us again… 🙈🙄
She was such a mummy’s girl when she was younger and always wanted to be next to me…

My DD was hideous at 14 but at 17 is out the other side and mostly a lovely young woman. Give her time, be patient and try to understand her point of view. Bite your tongue. Don’t try to be her friend. Just parent her.

I don’t know how much access she has to TikTok, but it’s a huge social contagion on there at the moment to hate your parents. They are all moaning about narcissistic parents and abusive parents, and that the child is always right and the parents should always be the one to apologise. 🙄

Thank you everyone for your messages and support. I’m not feeling so bad now… part of my work involves vulnerable children and I see what dysfunctional families look like and I would so like her to spend some time in an alternative.
@Twodogsisbetterthanone - yes unfortunately she is on TikTok 😢

Sounds typical for a teenager!

The only advice I can give is to stop whatever you’re doing and listen to them when they want to chat. Even if it’s the most boring subject in the world, listen.

Can you suggest doing something together? Even something as simple as having a takeaway pizza together?

It sounds quite normal for a teenager. She is hormonal and lacking maturity and experience. Pick your battles though. With the walking boots you could've let natural consequences teach her the lesson e.g "Your choice dd if you want to do a 10 mile boggy walk in trainers don't moan at me when you have wet feet" or if trainers were totally unsuitable "Fine, your choice but you aren't coming up Scafell with me in trainers so you can stay here" and act totally non fussed about her choice.

My daughter is now 17 so we've come out the other side of that so I know how you feel. Unfortunately for my daughter she had gone through a traumatic experience and when she finally told me it brought us closer together again as I helped navigate her through everything and now she's my little sidekick again, but age 14 was soooo hard. Hang in there OP and dont be hard on yourself

But - it sounds like you were correct to give her emotionally intelligent advice about the friend.

She isn't going to cope well in life if you / family feel you can't be honest with her.

She might not like hearing it - but it's not your problem if your perfectly sensible advice annoys her.

and the walking boots - that's just teen defiance! I always say to my husband don't take it personally...

Thank you @waterrat
Yes, it was definite defiance and only because walking boots aren’t ‘trendy’ and she plays football and a twisted ankle after wearing trainers for a walk in the lakes would be a big deal to her- hence us not being flexible about the trainers.
I really appreciate your comments -thank you