DS16, lonely and struggling socially

[PersonalJaysus]

Hello all, i really need some help with my poor son who is so miserable and depressed. He is approaching his GCSEs in a few weeks and has suddenly realised that his friends don’t like him and has suddenly opened up how he feels unliked by his peers and struggles to have any connection with them. This is progress as he refuses to talk to us on emotional issues or any issues really: for years he has been withdrawn and silent, only really ever seems to come alive in the company of his peers and doesn’t engage in family life - his brother feels ignored by him and it hurts him.

I thought this was relatively normal but as times gone on it seems he has no connection with others and struggles to show any sort of personality. He definitely has a flat affect. A couple
Of years ago, I did ask him if he thought he needed a diagnosis- I am certain he’s autistic and his brother is diagnosed - but he refused.

We are a close family with little stress and he knows he love him. I’ve got him an appointment with a counsellor and am going to take him to the GP as well, am just wondering what else I can do?

A move to a different sixth form could be a good opportunity for him reinvent himself and find new friends, especially if there's a big college somewhere newrby which isn't just a few new pupils going an existing school. You don't say if he's academic, but if he is, he might be more likely to find his tribe in a selective setting.
However, you know him best and maybe this would be too much for him in his current state, in which case, perhaps some medical / psychological help is more appropriate.

He’s very bright and focussed, so the exams themselves aren’t the issue - most of his year an disappearing but this will leave them with about 50 kids in his year, all of whom are the typical super confident private school types - he doesn’t fit this stereotype at all and is very much out of the loop socially. I do say to him he’d probably find it easier to meet people like him in a bigger school but he doesn’t want to move.

I couldn’t honestly tell you what he cares about; his likes, dislikes, he doesn’t communicate with us at all. Any question is met with “im not sure” or “I dont know” which means I can’t help him easily. But as you can imagine I am keen to get moving now that he’s finally opened up to us

Personally I would go with practical solutions first, before doctors/counselling type options.

Give him new settings to try and meet people. But settings that match his personality.

For example, when I was younger, if you had just said to me "go join that youth club!" no chance... I wouldn't go, and if you forced me, chances are I would avoid connecting with anyone.

But hiking? That suited me better. I made some good connections and memories through a hiking team of people my age.

You get the idea, I am confident that there will be a social situation that will work for him, you just need to guide him into finding it. Sports is obviously common but not for everyone. Board games? Card games? Video games? A creative hobby? Woodwork? Art? Robotics/engineering? Bird watching? Photography, mental detecting etc. etc.

I don't want to generalize, but a some of those clubs are much more suited for people who struggle socially than others, and there are plenty of settings where people who aren't naturally bright and bubbly and confident are the norm...

I only had one real friend up to my GCSEs but she had other friends so I was quite lonely. Used to sit in the library alot and read.

I went to my local collage 6th form and there was such a different mix of people. I got on much better there and remember the time fondly

Agree with others -
move to another sixth form /college
find a hobby he enjoys with an attached club

also access the help on offer.

My DC struggled socially at that age, not as much as your DS but neither found it mega easy. Uni was much better, but your DS needs to get through sixth form first. They are def ND - one is now going for a diagnosis and the other probably will after their uni finals. We’ve been through the counselling mill, but they really have to want to engage in therapy.

Thanks for your responses. We have a GP appointment today and I’m also seeing pastoral guy at his school.

I suspect that after a good few years coasting along with his friendship group they’ve all become fed up with him never giving of himself:‘I am trying to strike the balance between getting him help and making him feel like he is somewhat lacking as a person. I jus want to get him through his exams for
now without any crisis and then come summer hopefully we can get him out and about, therapy etc.

You think he's autistic.
He sounds autistic.
He needs a diagnosis because whilst he's in denial he is going to find it very hard to move forward.
Diagnosis certainly isnt a magic bullet but it is very helpful in all sorts of ways when things start to unravel. Could you perhaps try (gently) pointing out to him that if he changes nothing, nothing will change?
Its a worry, isnt it? He sounds very similar my (autistic) son.

Yea he is completely uncommunicative unfortunately. He never wants to do anything at all, he’s studies hard etc but he’s miserable about it, he’s very bright but it’s not like it his passion. His head of year is going to chat to him today, I’m just trying to give him space but also space with us individually as his brother is incredibly lively and outgoing and it gets too much for him with the constant attention seeking and high energy. He loves us, he’s very caring and cuddly for a teen, he doesn’t speak or interact apart from that.

Ds had this happen in year 11. He changed schools for A Levels and it made a huge difference. He found a group of friends that he really connected with and enjoyed the same things. Ds is also quiet and emotionally reserved but having a small group to be part of was lovely to see. I would not discount moving him.

before or despite the diagnosis, make sure you are looking at him for who he is, think of all his great qualities and give them back to him, naturally without forcing - help him see his strengths and appreciate him out loud. he may need confidence and you are his primary source of it. also show genuine curiosity when asking him about himself and what he likes, without judgement or expectations. he needs to feel you are not being performative nor that he mst act as you want him to, as opposed as who he is or how he feels in the moment.

I know what you’re saying but no there’s nothing performative, he is a much loved child with great qualities and we are naturally quick to praise and encourage so hopefully he has internalised that through his childhood.

As we tell him, nothing wrong with being quiet etc, all we care about is his happiness - the fact that he seems unhappy is the issue not the silence.
However his mood seem to be improving since I posted - he has been on long walks and is getting out every day and has started to study downstairs rather than being marooned in his room which I am reading as a very good sign - none of that came from us. Fingers crossed!