I feel bullied by my teenager

[niveaboo]

I feel emotionally drained by my 16-year-old daughter’s behaviour. Our interactions often turn into conflict, she overreacts, storms off, then later acts like nothing happened. I can’t seem to respond “right”: if I ask what’s wrong, she won’t talk; if I don’t ask, she says I don’t care. She rejects comfort when upset but later criticises me for not offering it.
Her moods shift quickly, she can go from withdrawn or upset to very cheerful and overly affectionate repeatedly within the same day. When I feel worn down, she becomes full-on and wants constant attention.
Recently, she’s said she feels suicidal, which makes it hard to address her behaviour because she sometimes links it to how I respond. This is all new, she’s never behaved like this before. I’ve also seen messages suggesting she can cry on cue to get out of trouble, which makes me question whether some of this is manipulative.

I feel overwhelmed and unsure how to handle it.

I'd like to think it's just the age, as I'm suffering in a similar way. I think my DD is very influenced by social media, she's always sending me memes about what a terrible parent I am and It's starting to get me down.

I think you need to listen if she says she's suicidal -at least she's telling you. Can you suggest she gets some counselling?

Mines like this at the moment she’s nearly 16. Can relate to all the behaviour you listed. We are close and it’s started to feel like Im in an abusive relationship, having to walk on eggshells around her in case I say the wrong thing and then being love bombed. She tells me everything that’s going on with her life in long monologue's but if I dare to respond in the “wrong” way I’m subjected to a rant about how toxic I am and failing her in so many ways. To be honest it’s really nice to just read about someone else who has a teen the same 😂

Just listen to her, support her, don’t tell her what to do or how to handle things. Ask her what she wants to do, or if she need anything from you. If she doesn’t want to know, let her know you’re for stairs if she changes her mind. Etc. if she feels suicidal get her help. X

My 14 year old can be like this. No talk of suicide but when she gets upset- and it can happen over the slightest things - she’ll blame me, swear at me, has hit me, broken things and caused damage, will gaslight me by saying something one minute and denying she said it the next. She used to be relentless in wanting an apology and to talk about it. Sometimes I’ve had to leave the house to get away from her and she has been known to keep me up till midnight as she refuses to go to bed and I’m worried about leaving her on her own. She has got better over the last couple of years. I asked her recently if she behaved that way because she felt sad and she said she did. Obviously the way to get my attention is not to push me away but it needs to be learnt. I always tell her I love her and that I am in her team but she needs to speak to me nicely or I won’t talk. I have to keep calm no matter what- she will exhaust herself eventually but minimal engagement is the only way to get her to see she’s not getting anywhere. She really wants my attention and we have time set aside each day that is me and her time - we watch tv and have snacks. Sometimes we give each other shoulder or hand massages and it’s time for her to talk to me about worries. It’s not perfect, last night she was hungry, couldn’t do her homework, got overwhelmed, wanted my help, didn’t want my help etc etc so I left her to it and in the end she went to bed without relentlessly pursuing me for hours which i consider a win. She’s actually a really loving kid but can’t show it if she feels rejected ie not getting enough attention. It’s become a bit of a joke and she now comes to me and says ‘I need attention’.

Yes she’s getting counselling and we are seeking help through school, CAMHS, church and as a family.

Omg yes!!! So sorry you’re going through this but like you, I’m also happy to see I’m not alone 😂😂 This feels like I’m reading something I’ve written to myself!!! Abusive relationship.. the love bombing is so insane. For my birthday she sent me a message (I went on holiday with a friend) I’ve cut out the middle but read below:

“i know i haven’t said it properly but happy birthday mummy you’re my favourite person ever, my best friend… my biggest supporter and so much more. you mean so much to me … i can relate to you better then anyone else and i wouldn’t want to have it any other way. i love you and i hope that you enjoy the rest of your holiday and i can’t wait to see you”

When I came back she asked me if I liked the message and honestly I struggled to say yes because it doesn’t even feel true. It’s so strange 😔
how long ago did your daughter start behaving like this?

I hope things continue to get better for you guys.

I think mine was also influenced by social media. Taken her off it. Seen an improvement and if you do some research on the damages of social media you may feel like doing it too. So scary what they consume on there.
Today my daughter made a joke about not loving her. I also don’t find those jokes funny anymore

At 16 how do you take her off it? She'll find a way.

I relate to @Fifiellz too, but no love-bombing here, she barely tolerates me.

@niveabooIt’s really been about a year or so, she wrote me a mother’s day card similar to what your daughter wrote to you which was sweet but we ended the day with another argument.

I describe her as a switch, she will be fine one minute and then switch to being vile over nothing - she then switches back out of it and wants to carry on as though nothing has happened which I really struggle with. As the adult I know I shouldn’t inflame it but I won’t tolerate being talked to like I’m a piece of crap so I pull her up on it all the time. She will not back down and has to have the last word always and I feel like by giving her that I’m letting her “win”. I’m getting better though.

She does talk to me about it, she says she gets so angry and she can’t help herself but then she feels so sorry afterwards but can’t acknowledge the behaviour or apologise. There isn’t violence or anything - she’s just so argumentative. It’s sad because she’s always been my wing man and she doesn’t see that the behaviour changes my feelings towards her - when she’s being rude I feel like I want to spend less time with her - she just can’t understand why I would feel like that.

We have decided that she will try hormonal contraception as we think it’s hormone driven - so will update if that helps 🤞

Yes it’s exactly the same here.
We have always been super close. So many of her friends and mine envy our relationship. But this last 6 months have been so rough. No violence or swearing etc but just what you’re describing. Fine one minute, snappy the next, fine again and then expects me to want to be besties with her and act like nothing happened, which like you makes me also not really want to be around her. I don’t know how to get past that feeling either because most of the time I’m confused about what the issue is or why it’s even an issue. Everything is a battle and she always seems to want the opposite of what I’m asking or the opposite of what’s available.
At least your daughter is sorry. Mine gets even more annoyed at me when receiving the consequences of her actions. E.g bunking school and then being mad at me that she can’t go out with her friends later on that day. It’s like she doesn’t understand there are consequences so for the sake of peace, I stay silent sometimes.
She also sets me up sometimes. For example, she’ll ask me if I think she’s gained weight in her face and I’ll be honest and say yes (mind you, this will be after I’ve repeatedly tried to get her to eat a balanced diet and she’s snuck unhealthy food and eaten a whole pack of donuts alone)
Then she’ll cry and keep bringing up the fact that I hurt her feelings. So the next time she asked me I said I didn’t want to be asked that question because if she has and I say yes, I’m somehow the bad guy. If I say no then she doesn’t believe me anyway but I’ve escaped the trap until the following week. Or her bunking and then not understanding why she isn’t allowed out with her friends, repeatedly asking and getting upset at the obvious answer.
so exhausting 😔 sorry for the rant.
I hope that is the solution for your daughter.

I’ve put parental restrictions on her phone and changed login details to socials. Yes I believe she may access it from a friends phone at school but I would rather know it’s limited to using it on a friends phone for a short time than unlimited access at her fingertips all day everyday

id like to add that my eldest was like this way before social media and mobile phones. Don’t take it personally. Its a combination of hormones, stress , being unhappy and home is the place where they disregulate.
let her storm off and talk to her once she’s calm. I think I could have done better and just listened more and realised it wasn’t against me iykwim.
dd2 was nothing like this bout out you best is going through similar and taking a step back , talking when she’s calm and not taking it personally has made all the difference.
a lot of girls go through a phase like this and it’s hard. But it does blow over and they go cal to themselves eventually!

@RockyKeen Yes the not taking it personally is key I think. Mine is absolutely well behaved at school and with friends and family. There is def an element of offloading to the person she feel safest with.

My daughter was similar and I struggled to cope many times. It affected my marriage too as she would play us off against each other. I managed to get family counselling and one thing that came up was ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Please look in to this

www.sendlowirral.co.uk/oppositional-defiant-disorder

Thanks for this.