DD at girlfriends most of the week?

[Cuff2]

DD is almost 20 and in a great relationship with her GF. She spends most of the week at hers, and 1 night a week at home. (If that ..).

Whist I am very happy for her, the problem is that DS wants to move into her bedroom. He has the little box room and hers is huge. His point is: she's never here, it's unfair to leave it empty etc .. (he's 14)

But we don't want to push her out, this is her home. So just wondering how anyone else has handled a similar situation? Do I engineer some kind of share for them. So he has to stay in his old room when she's home?

Thanks so much if anyone has any advice!

I’d speak to her kindly and ask her if DS can have the room. She might not care about leaving the room. But yes it’s right DS should have the room if she’s only there once a week. Any plans to move out fully?

I'd raise the suggestion of them swapping rooms, but DD is only 20 - don't inadvertently push her in her relationship or make her feel the door is closed for her at home. She's an adult, but it can be a vulnerable age when navigating adult relationships, she needs to be feel she can still come home.

I think just ask about it but if it goes ahead let her move her stuff and help sort out. It's horrible coming home to see all your things have been discarded and shoved somewhere.

Letting him have the room doesn’t mean you’re pushing her out of the house, she can have the smaller room. It makes sense as DS is younger and will be staying home for more years than her and DD is already not home a lot now and may likely move out full time soon.

I think you need to talk to her. It makes no sense for a big room to be empty all week with another child is struggling for space. She's home once a week. It's a terrible use of space. I think asking her to swap and offering to decorate the room to her taste is fair. Is there a reason she prefers to be at GFs? Ate the rules different there? Does she contribute to there household?

Depends how long DD and if have been together for me - if it's a couple of years that she's been living like this then I'd say to definitely bring up the room swap with her.

If it's a year or less then I'd say no to DS as it's still fairly early days for the relationship and it may not work out, which will cause issues for your household when she ends up coming home to the smaller bedroom.

How long has she been with her girlfriend? We had a similar situation at home bit it wasn’t until she officially moved out and. Over in that we made the swap. There’s a difference in a relationship tween staying over and moving in.
That’s her room in her home right now. Doesn’t stop your son from using it when she’s away.

Speak to her, my brothers did this when the older one went to uni and it was as all fine.
It does make sense to swap and you’re not pushing her out she will still have a room to come home to

GF doesn't live with parents. So much more relaxed for DD. Can cook late at night, which she loves to do.

It's closer to her work, she can just walk, so no travel costs too.

She's hoping to later this year with friends. But not sure if this will still happen.

This is exactly my thinking. I don't want it to be seen as forcing her out.

This makes sense.

I think I'll suggest we let him use it when she's not around (he's keen to sleep in a double bed) but it still remins her room.

It's so hard to get it right, and also as we barely see her it's hard to get into these type of conversations without feeling like I'm risking her going to GFs permanently and feeling forced.

GF can't/doesn't spend time here due to varying reasons and responsibilities her side.

Forgot to say. Thank you all for the quick responses!

You're not forcing her out if you make it clear she still has a room here, but just no longer the biggest room, as she now has one foot out the door, so she needs to be realistic. She can have the smaller room so she's still got a bolthole to come home to, but the rest of you are going to reorganise the space to make it work better for everyone

We waited until eldest dc had officially moved out to start moving rooms. She was still a little miffed as she felt like she no longer had the option to move back.
A year later she did move back to save to go travelling and she had the small room

My DS1 is also 20yo and is away at uni. He never comes home during term time (as his uni is quite a long way away), but he is home for the holidays. DS2 has a much smaller bedroom. At the moment the compromise is for DS2 to be able to use DS1's desk and some wardrobe space while he's not there.

It’s not pushing her out to swap rooms. It would be if she wasn’t provided with an alternative. Fair to ask (not demand) to swap and offer to decorate etc. I doubt she’d want to come back to a bed that has been slog in by a teenage boy all week plus it could get complicated with personal belongings etc

“DD how would you feel about swapping rooms with DS? This is by no means me saying I want you out of the house it’s just that you’re not here as much as he is and he’d really love to have a bit more space. We can pick out new colours, bedding etc for you if you’re happy to do it and I know he’d really appreciate it.”